Heavenly Prize...

The day after we received the news that our pregnancy would not be moving foward, I received this devotional/verse:

"No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking foward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God is calling us." Phillipians 3:13-14

My heart may be broken right now because my plan didn't come to fruition...but I must realize that it isn't MY plan. I have grown stronger, more sensitive to others, grateful for my blessings, and thankful for my family and friends because of this journey.

We will receive our heavenly prize...it's only a matter of time!

Almost a Christmas Miracle....

David and I had our frozen embryo transfer right after the Thanksgiving holiday. We were able to freeze two blastocysts from our previous cycle and since we had a positive pregnancy test during that cycle, we were hopeful that this time we would get our miracle...a Christmas Miracle.

The day of my pregnancy test, we decided to take a home pregnancy test. Actually we took one the night before (we have NO patience), but unfortunately, the test came back negative. We were devastated and really just couldn't believe we were getting a "no" again.

Although I didn't really want to, I went in and had my blood drawn anyway. I went to work and did everything and anything I could to pass the time. I left work early that day because I just couldn't take the phone call from the nurse telling me that we were not pregnant at school.

At around 2:30, the nurse called to let me know that my blood results came in and I tested POSITIVE for pregnancy. I couldn't believe my ears...we had received our Christmas Miracle after all!!

We discovered that my BETA levels were extremely low, which is why the home pregnancy test wasn't positive. The nurse stated that if my hormone levels continued to increase, we would chalk it up to late implantation. David and I bought a TON of pregnancy tests and even tested that same evening. We received a faint positive...put positive nonetheless.

We continued to test for the next four days...each day, the test was positive and each day the pregnancy line became darker and darker. Our prayers had finally been answered!

I went in four days later to have my blood drawn again. We were hoping that my BETA would be at least 100. We were blessed beyone measure when the nurse called with a 125 BETA. Praise the Lord!! All seemed well with the world...our hopes to celebrate Christmas this year with our own miracle baby was coming true.

After a little Christmas shopping this past Friday evening, I came home and realized that I was spotting. My nurse had already warned me that many women spot during pregnancy and some even bleed throughout their first trimester. I was scared, but hopeful that this was normal. I woke up on Saturday morning to more spotting. I ran a few errands, got my hair cut, and then came home. I immediately went to the restroom and discovered that my spotting had turned into bleeding. David called the on-call nurse and explained our situation. We were reassured that this could still me normal, but we would go in on Monday for another blood test. If my BETA numbers had continued to increase, we would have an ultrasound to confirm that everything was going as planned.

I went in yesterday for my blood test...it was the LONGEST day EVER!!! I finally received a call from the nurse that evening letting me know that although my BETA had increased, it was no where near what it should be for a week's time to have passed. My BETA should have been over a 1000 and was only 328. My heart was broken and our Christmas Miracle turned into an "almost" Christmas Miracle.

I woke up this morning with more bleeding and more cramping. I put in a call to my doctor's office to keep them informed. They are wanting to see me to rule out a tubal pregnancy.

Why? Why is this happening?

I am an emotional rollercoaster...dipping and diving, turning upside down, and I feel as if as soon as I get as high as I can, I come crashing down.

"Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.'" Psalm 91:1-2

Verses for the Holidays...

As we approach the Christmas Holiday, I find that I am leaning more and more on these verses...

"Let us hope unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

"The Lord's hand is not shortened, that it cannot save, nor His ear heavy, that it cannot hear." Isaiah 59:1

"I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continuously be in my mouth." Psalm 34

These are what I call my go-to verses. I have committed them to memory and call on them quite often. Of course as Christmas gets closer and closer, this wait seems harder and harder. 

I have seen God peform miracles lately...things that I never imagined in my wildest dreams could happen. I am continuing to pray that He hears my cries and will answer them sooner than later. 

This morning, as I was praying, I received this verse... 

"Don't be afraid! I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all the people." Luke 2:10

Regardless of my situation, I know that He is the reason for the season, and He will bring great joy to all His people.

Praying for SO many of you still waiting to be blessed with child.

Although and You Shall...

It has been SO long since I made a post on this blog. Life has just been busy and I realized how hard it is to keep up with TWO blogs. But I read the most AMAZING devotional this morning and really felt as if those of you reading this blog really needed to hear about it as much as I did.

The devotional was centered around the verse Judges 13:3, "And the angel of the Lord appeared to the woman and said 'Although you are barren, having born no children, you shall conceive and bear a son.'"

I nearly fell out of my chair when I read this verse...mainly because I feel as if we are at a standstill. For the matter, I feel as if we have been in this stage for a LONG time. I imagine myself like one of those cartoon characters that is running as fast it can, legs moving a hundred miles an hour, but not really even moving yet. I feel as if I am standing still and time is just passing me by. My goodness, we have been trying to become parents for six years now...SIX YEARS!

I want to be like Sarah, Hannah, or Elizabeth. God changed their lives dramatically when He blessed them with children. I am sure at one point they felt just like I do...that they were never going to be a mom, that they would be barren forever. But as I read this verse today, the three words that really stood out to me were ALTHOUGH and YOU SHALL. "Although you are barren, having born no children, you shall conceive and bear a son." God changed their situation and gave them the desires of their hearts.

These three words could change the world...Although the economy is really struggling, and people are trying to survive, you shall maintain and job and prosper. Although you are single, having longed for a spouse, you shall find the perfect partner and live happily ever after. Although you were diagnosed with cancer, and the prognosis is serious, you shall overcome the illness and survive.

I can think of a million scenarios where although and you shall could turn a dim situation into one of the brightest moments in life. So although at times I feel as if I will never be a mom, after countless procedures, surgeries, and medications, I shall prevail and see my dreams come to pass.

Praying this same prayer for so many of you still waiting to be moms.

I Turn to You...

I know it is has been FOREVER since I've posted on this blog. With the holidays approaching...Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas, I always find myself super busy. I did want to update everyone that we are getting ready to start our Frozen Embryo Transfer. I would appreciate prayers during this time...not only is an IVF cycle emotional already, but during the holidays, it could be VERY emotional.

I also wanted to share a song that I've been LOVING lately. The lyrics just seem to get me through these times...afterall,  all I can do is Turn to Him.

One Day...

David shared this video with me yesterday and I can TOTALLY foresee this in our future with Kodi...

I LOVE my husky and I can't wait to see him interacting with our baby one day :)

The Detour...

I had a crazy day today and just wanted to use this blog to vent some of my frustrations. I think if I get it off my chest, I'll feel a TON better :)

I have feel as if I am driving mycar in a deserted town withOUT my GPS and everytime I turn around, I am running into a road block or a detour and some how I just can't make it to my destination.

My day started out with me not feeling well. I'm going on day three of the flu...I stayed home from school yesterday, but because my calendar is jammed pack, I bit the bullet and went in to work. I took a lot of medication, put my big girl pants on, and headed to school.

I mentor several kids and this entire week has left me feeling like I'm not doing such a good job. All the kids I am mentoring are still doing poorly in their classes and nothing I do seems to help. I feel like an epic failure right about now. BUT...we are only in the 5th week of a new school year, so I'm going to keep trying, keep meeting with my students, keep calling parents and doing whatever I can to help these kiddos.

At around noon today, I discovered that I did NOT get the $1500 bonus I was expecting. Our district gives out Merit Bonuses each year to teachers, assistant principals and principals. The teachers' bonus is based on those teachers that show a tremendous amount of student learning gains from a subject area test they take at the beginning of the year compared to the same test they take at the end of the year. Assistant Principal bonuses are based on our state mandated test learning gains in reading and math. The district takes the top 25% of Assistant Principals with the most gains, and they get the bonus. I was in such shock that I didn't receive it...by the way, I had planned to use the money to pay for our frozen embryo transfer...so I had my principal call downtown to make sure it wasn't a mistake. She did and found out that if they would have allowed one more school to receive the bonus, it would have been OUR school. I'm not quite sure what is worse...knowing that I didn't get the bonus or finding out that I was next in line.

After these blows today, I just thought to myself..."what else could happen and WHY are all these negative things happening to me." We have spent almost six years trying to have a baby, we have spent nearly all our retirement for treatments, procedures, and surgeries, we finally get pregnant to lose the baby just six weeks after conceiving, I feel like a blimp...I think I weigh more than I ever have in my entire life, and unfortunately, I don't have any motivation to do anything about it. It seems as if all we do is wait and every answer we get is "no"...and WHY?

Then I get home and read my daily devotional...it was appropriately called "The Detour."

It was based around Exodus 13:17 when the Israelites had been living in bondage in Egypt and after hearing their cries, God sent Moses to save them. Instead of Moses leading them the shortest route to the Promised Land, God directed Moses to take them through the wilderness...the longer route. The devotional went on to say that God knows the best path for us to take and even though it may seem like what we desire isn't coming to pass, He is preparing us to receive the blessings he has instore for us. Maybe there is some wrong thinking in us and He needs to deliver us from those thoughts and show us that we must have faith...faith in Him. What God promises will come to fruition, so we must trust Him and know that the detour will ultimately work out for our good and to Him be the glory.

Okay...I feel better for getting all this off my chest. Blog-therapy really does work :)

 So no matter where the road may lead me...over hills, rough terrain, or through a storm...I am still holding tightly to the verse that I have memorized and spoken over and over again..."I will bless the Lord at all times, His praise shall continuously be in my mouth." ~Psalm 34:1

No News is Good News...

Just wanted to give everyone an update on what is going on with us on the baby-front. But actually we don't have any news...so I guess no news is good news, right?

We are continuing to take one step at a time, one day at a time, and trusting that our desire to become parents will happen soon.

We haven't made any progress on our nursery...we painted the beadboard three days before we found out that our baby was not going to make it to birth, so we never got around to finishing it. I'm thinking that we need to take a step of faith and start working on it again.

We put our adoption process on hold for now. We felt that since we will be trying IVF one more time, it wouldn't be fair to a birthmother if she chose us and then we got pregnant at the same time. So we've decided to at least wait until after our next cycle before contacting our agency to put us back on their list. Regardless, adoption is on my heart, so we'll eventually be putting our homestudy to use soon.

At this moment, we continuing to be confident that the Lord will bless us with a house full of children one day.

Sentimental Crib UPDATE!

I posted about a month ago that my grandmother asked me if I would be interested in using the crib that my great-grandfather built for her for our baby. If you want to read about it, click the link HERE.

To be honest, I had forgotten all about the crib. I think I have been spending more of my time trying to move forward from the loss we experienced and getting my heart ready for our next try. I have been asking God to prepare me for this next cycle and although I know I will NEVER forget this experience, I want to stay focused on the present and eventually the future.

Well, He couldn't have answered me in a BIGGER way. I got a phone call from my parents that my grandmother had the crib refinished for me and she brought it over to my parent's house so they could deliver it to me on their next trip to Florida.

Here are a few pics that my mom sent me...

BEFORE

BEFORE

AFTER

AFTER

Isn't it SO beautiful??? And the history behind how it was made just makes me SO HAPPY!!

We are planning on getting another crib for our actual nursery, but my plan is to put this crib in our bedroom for when the baby is still small. My great grandfather built this crib over 75 years ago, so I'm headed to go look up crib safety regulations right now. My grandmother did have the furniture company fix thesliding crib rail so it is no longer a drop-side crib. But I'm sure there are so many more safety regulations I need to check.  

Just the thought of placing our baby in this crib makes my heart skip a beat :)

My Time is Coming...

I'm always amazed at the perfect timing of my daily devotionals. Just like so many times before, this one came at the PERFECT time...

“For the vision is yet for an appointed time...though it tarry, wait for it.”(Habakkuk 2:3, KJV)

TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria

If you’ve been standing in faith for the promises of God, I want you to know today that your time is coming! The dreams and desires in your heart, the things you want to accomplish, the situations you want to see changed will happen. Don’t give up just because it has taken a long time, or just because you’ve tried and failed.

I encourage you today — get your fire back! Don’t be complacent about pursuing what God has placed in your heart. It may be taking a long time, but God is a faithful God. No matter how long it’s been, no matter how impossible it looks, if you’ll stay in faith, your time is coming. Every dream that’s in your heart, every promise that has taken root, God not only put it there, but He has every intention of bringing it to pass.

Declare today, “My time is coming...God is working behind the scenes on my behalf...I will fulfill my destiny...I will fulfill the plan God has for my life!” As you declare, expect, and wait for the appointed time, your faith will grow. Your hope will grow. And you’ll step into the destiny God has in store for you!

A PRAYER FOR TODAY

Father in Heaven, I receive Your truth today and hold on to Your promises. I ask that You ignite my heart with Your holy fire so that I can pursue Your perfect plan for my life. Make my thoughts and words agreeable to Your will as I meditate on Your Word. In Jesus’ name, amen.
— Joel & Victoria Osteen

Let the Waters Rise...

I'm going to be honest...times are still hard for me right now. I've found myself these past few weeks FORCING one foot in front of the other. I'm generally a very positive person and I'm trying to get back to the old me. But it's hard...

I had a bad day on Saturday. Without going into a lot of details, my morning started out with a reminder of the D&C that I had last Wednesday. It was all too much for me, so I got in my car, went for a drive, and called my mom...while I cried my eyes out. I was already on edge and dreading a party that David and I were to attend that night, so the reminder of our loss was just too much for me to handle. Don't get me wrong, we LOVE our friends and look forward to our monthly get togethers, but I knew the conversation that night would be revolved around an upcoming baby shower that we are planning for one of the girls. I just knew that I couldn't handle one more reminder of what we didn't have. I felt 100% better after talking (crying) with my mom, so I went back home, and started to get dressed for the party.

We actually had a great time at the party. We enjoyed the beach, ate fabulous food, watched football, and played games till after midnight.  On our way home I kept thinking to myself...I did it! I made it through the night and it wasn't as bad as I had anticipated.

Monday rolled around and I struggled with getting dressed and felt as if I just couldn't go to work. But, I have already missed FOUR days in the past two weeks and I just can't miss any more days. So I pulled myself together, got dressed, and drove to work.

Each morning before I walk into the building, I pull out my prayer book and pick a verse for the day. That morning I landed on "I will bless the Lord at all times. His praise shall continuously be in my mouth." Psalm 34:1. This verse is one that I prayed over and over again throughout our IVF cycle. No matter the outcome, I would praise His name. And I meant it.

I walked into the building and after greeting a few people, I had a clerk stop by my office and ask if I was pregnant. I politely told her no, I wasn't pregnant, but hopefully I would be soon. She doesn't know anything that we've gone through, I think she just noticed that I've put on about 10 pounds from all the fertility meds and hormones. But little did she know, her simple comment brought me back to those feelings of pain, loss, and frustration. That afternoon, during cafeteria duty, one of our custodians asked me the same thing...was I pregnant. Again, I just smiled, told her no, and started to walk away. She caught back up with me and said "Ms. Knight, I am praying for you. You are going to be the BEST mom."

The school day had finally come to an end and after trying to catch up on all the things I had let slide due to my absences, I realized it was late and I was practically the last  person in the building. Just as I was packing up to go home, one of the teachers stopped by my office. I didn't know at the time, but she had read my blog and discovered what we had been going through. She offered me two CD's that she made and thought that I might need them. The title on one of the CD's read I will praise Him in the storm. I could hardly wait to get in my car to listen to them.

Those CD's were EXACTLY what I needed. I have listened to them over and over and over again. A lot of the songs were ones I already knew and loved, but I found a new song that I felt was made for me and is helping me get through this storm I'm in right now.

"You were faithful before, You'll be faithful again" are the words that seem to make me cry every single time I hear them. I truly believe this...He helped us get pregnant before and He'll do it again. So let the waters rise...I can weather this storm.

I am an Overcomer...

My friend Amy (at Chapters) is in my opinion, a brilliant writer. I'm not quite sure she knows what an amazing talent God gave her...but I can get so lost in her words sometimes. 

Amy wrote this post today and it couldn't have come at a better time. To be honest, I didn't read the entire post at first...my feelings were still raw from having the D&C yesterday and the realization that our pregnancy is really over. But God had other plans and WANTED me to read her post in its entirety.

You see, my husband reads her blog too. He actually emailed me today and told me that I really needed to read her post and the blog that she referred to in her post. So I bit the bullet, got some kleenex and started reading.

You'll need to read her post and the blog post she refers to in her blog yourself...but I wanted to share the paragraph that grabbed ahold of me today and made me realize WHY our pregnancy ended the way it did.

"I have to be strong. I have realized more and more that trials aren’t always to strengthen the person going through them, but more so to strengthen the people watching. Many times on the other side of the storm on the distant beach, there are people that will be in awe when they see you rowing out of the raging waters in your tiny canoe, with only Faith beside you. My storms are not for me. My storms are not my own. I am an overcomer." ~Baron Batch

 

I just sat at my laptop and cried my eyes out. I re-read the blog post again, especially this paragraph. I just wanted to hear those words again...My storms are not for me. My storms are not my own. I am an overcomer...I needed to hear those words. I believe those words.

I am an overcomer.

Closing a Chapter...

Today is a day I never thought I would have to experience. I am going in this morning for a D & C.

David and I had another appointment with our doctor on Monday to confirm the growth of the baby and unfortunately, the doctor couldn't even see our baby this time. In a way, I was somewhat relieved...I have been having this terrible feeling/thought of having a D & C knowing that there was a baby inside of me. So when the doctor told us that the she could only see the gestational sac and no embryo, I had an instant peace about the procedure today.

Every day has been a "put one foot in front of the other" day, but we are making it...leaning on one another.

Please keep us in your prayers today as we close this chapter of our pregnancy and prepare our hearts, minds, and bodies for the next step in this journey.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."~Psalm 147:3

Overcome...

Thanks to all of you for the sweet comments and prayers. David and I have needed them more than I can say.

 I have spent the last two days at home, although I really should be at work keeping busy. But the other administrators at my school encouraged me to take these past two days, collect my thoughts, and spend time with David. So I will be back at work on Monday, for the first day of school.

I spoke with our doctor's office and have scheduled another ultrasound on Monday. If the baby has not shown growth and a heartbeat is still not there, we are going to proceed with a D & C. For some reason, just typing the letters D & C makes my heart hurt tremendously, but the thought of experiencing a miscarriage and reliving the hurt of losing our first baby is even worse. I am still hoping and praying that this baby will show some growth...I just can't help but want this so badly. So we will know more on Monday.

I can say that God has been blessing me over and over again these past two days with words of wisdom, hope, and showing me that I can overcome this.

My Rick Warren devotional said this yesterday...

“For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.” Lamentations 3:31-32

Things in your life were going so smoothly, and then the next minute it’s as if a storm hit your life, and now all your plans have been destroyed. What do you do?

This devotional referenced Lamentations  3 and encouraged me to read verses 22-26. They read:

22 The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease.

23 Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.

24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!”

25 The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him.

26 So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.

My Joel Osteen devotional said this today....

Don’t ever get stuck in the rut of thinking, “I’ll never change...that’s just the way I am.” No, the Bible says that the Spirit of God aids us in our weakness. He gives us strength to overcome. He empowers us to live as more than conquerors in this life.

Is there something you want to change in your life today? If you’ve received Jesus as your Lord and Savior, then start declaring, “I am a new creation in Christ! I am empowered to overcome! I am equipped to walk in the new, abundant life the Lord has in store for me!”

With His help...I will overcome!

It Was the Best of Times, It Was the Worst of Times...

These past six weeks have been the BEST of my life and the WORST of my life.

This post is going to be a shock to most, but wanted to share our story with those of you still waiting for your miracle AND to ask for prayers as we move forward with our journey to become parents.

David and I did another round of IVF in June/July. This cycle was 100% better than our two previous cycles. We had MORE eggs during the retrieval this cycle, MORE eggs fertilized this cycle, we were able to do a FIVE day transfer this cycle, AND we were even able to freeze TWO blastocysts this cycle. To say that we were LOVING life during this cycle is definitely an understatement.

My parents visited us for ten days and it was by far, the visit that I will remember for a lifetime. We discovered that we were finally PREGNANT after trying for five years AND we were able to share that news with my parents and with my mother-in-love together. It was what we had been dreaming about for YEARS.

My beta numbers looked great and we spent the past six weeks celebrating!!! We continued working on our nursery, I bought a few baby clothes, we shared the news with our close family and friends, and mom and I talked non-stop about the perfect name for our baby.

Our dreams started to crumble though when we went in for our first fetal ultrasound on Monday. It was a day that we had been anxiously awaiting...mainly because we were excited to see our baby's heartbeat AND we couldn't wait to see if we had one baby or TWO!!

But, our appointment didn't go exactly how we had planned. The technician conducting my ultrasound could not find a heartbeat for the baby. She was also concerned because the baby was not as big as it should be for 6 weeks 4 days pregnant. We kept our chins up and prayed that in the next two days, our little baby would continue to grown and we would be able to see a heartbeat on Wednesday. We researched this scenario for hours, we prayed for the past two days, and felt confident that our prayers would be answered.

But as our doctor proceeded with the ultrasound yesterday, our dreams slowly faded into a distant memory. Our baby is at least a week behind in growth and there is still no detectable heartbeat. The baby has stopped growing and we are to expect a miscarriage soon.

We seriously feel as if someone has reached inside our chests and pulled our hearts completely out. We came home from our appointment mad, frustrated, heartbroken, defeated. How could this be happening?

After a lot of crying, praying, and talking we came up with some positive things that have come from this experience:

1.  I CAN get pregnant. This is a huge piece of the puzzle we have been trying to solve for the past five years. This cycle showed us that we CAN get pregnant afterall.

2.  We do have TWO beautiful blastocysts frozen that we can transfer and we will not have to pay an arm and a leg to have this done.

3.  Our doctor shared that the reason the baby stopped growing was because he/she had some sort of chromosomal malfunction...it had nothing to do with anything that I did or didn't do and that this is God's way of preventing more heartache later.

My heart is still aching this morning and I honestly believe that I am still in shock over this news. I am still SO in love with this baby...our baby, our FIRST baby. But I'm trying to look at it as another step in this journey to parenthood.

Please keep us in your prayers as we pick ourselves up and continue to move forward. We know that the hard times are not quite over, as we will be losing our baby sometime within the next week. But we know the he/she was never ours to begin with....

"I pray for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours." John 17:9

It truly has been the BEST of times and the WORST of times.

Progress...

We've made some progress with our nursery. Well...David has made some progess :)

I had Bunco last night and received a text message from David that he had started painting the wainscoting in the nursery. I could hardly WAIT to get home so I could see all the work he had done.

I seriously couldn't believe my eyes when I saw how beautiful our nursery looked...

I can't wait to see how it will look with the pastel green painted on the top portion of the walls.

Progress...

A Purpose...

I received this devotional today and it spoke DIRECTLY to my heart and is exactly how I am feeling these days.

"And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."

~Ephesians 5:20

God never said that all my days would be filled with sweet moments. In fact, He said in this life there will be trouble (John 16:33), so when I think that everything will always be perfect, I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. However, the wonderful thing about being a child of God is that all of our pain, lack, hurts, and troubles have a purpose. They are all connected to a greater plan, a greater lesson, and a greater testimony. I guess that's why James said to count it all joy when you encounter various trials because the testing of your faith produces perseverance (James 1:2-3). When you face adversity it's a sign that God is up to something. He's preparing you, strengthening you, and purging you for something greater.

Although we have been waiting SO long for our journey to become parents to come to fruition, I wouldn't change one single thing. Through all this pain, lack, hurt, and trouble, God has a purpose. Through this journey, He has taught me patience, perseverance, strength, and love. He has picked THE perfect baby for David and I and when he/she gets here, it will be the greatest moment of our lives.

Nursery Update...

I mentioned a few posts ago that I was going to start speaking our baby into our lives. So since my parents were here this past week, we decided to go ahead and start working on our nursery.

I had always dreamed of having wainscoting or recessed paneling in our baby's room, so I searched on the internet until I found exactly what I wanted. I found the picture below and my mom, dad, David and I went to Home Depot to find all the materials we needed to start on our nursery...

The quality of this picture is not good because I took a picture of it with my phone from mom's iPad :)

Mom and I cleared out the room...it used to be a guest bedroom.

We are also planning on replacing the doors to the closet...the ones the previous owners put on the closet do not even fit. But our plan is to put in sliding doors that we think will look perfect.

Dad and David put down a new tall baseboard...

And then started on the wainscoting...

They added a quarter round to finish off the seam...

Then added another tall board at the top and trimmed it off with a piece of crown molding...

I LOVE this view of the window...this is the FIRST thing you see when you come into the room!

The detail of the crown molding just makes my heart go pitter patter...

I honestly think they did a BETTER job than my inspiration picture...don't you think so?

David plans to start the painting tomorrow and I'm SO excited to see the finished product.

I'm continuing to speak this baby into our lives!!!

Delight...

I can't even begin to tell you just how often God speaks directly to me through several of the daily devotionals I receive. This one is yet again, another example...

TODAY’S SCRIPTURE

“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart”

(Psalm 37:4, AMP)

TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria

Are you believing God for something that seems to be taking a long time? In the natural, you may have every reason to give up on what God has placed in your heart. At times, you may be tempted to get discouraged, but remember, God knows exactly where you are. He knows the desires He’s placed within you. He knows even the hidden dreams — what the scripture calls the secret petitions of your heart. Those are the things that you haven’t told anyone about. Maybe you thought they would never work out, or you’ve buried them because they didn’t happen on your timetable. But God still has a way to bring them to pass.

Be encouraged today because God is working behind the scenes on your behalf. Delight yourself in Him — find joy in serving Him and make your heart moldable in His hands. Don’t settle for mediocrity because God knows what’s in you, and His plan is to finish the work He began in you!

SO glad...

I saw THIS article today and was overwhelmed with happiness for Giuliana and Bill.

After watching their show and SOBBING through the episodes when they found out that G had a miscarriage, my heart just ached for them. It's strange how CLOSE you can feel to someone you don't even know, especially when you share the same desires, hopes, and expectations.

(photo from Huffpost Celebrity)

I truly believe adoption is a WONDERFUL process and I hope that they are blessed with a baby very soon!

God is Good & He is in Control...

Remember to Say Every Day: God Is Good and He Is in Control

by Rick Warren

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who’ve been called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28 (NIV)

“Why is life so hard?” Do you ever find yourself asking this question because you’re frustrated by circumstances in your life?

Frustration is the result of living in a world that is broken by sin. You can’t avoid suffering. There will be pain, and if you aren’t careful, that pain can lead to bitterness.

Bitterness is a poison that will eat you alive. It’s like a cancer to your heart. When you become bitter towards someone, you don’t hurt that person; you only hurt yourself.

It’s so easy to become envious and jealous of others when life doesn’t go the way we want it to. We begin to think, “It’s not fair. Why does that person have it so easy when life is so tough for me?”

It’s very easy to become resentful in a broken world. But envy and jealousy can quickly turn to bitterness, and bitterness will eat you up.

How do you keep from becoming bitter? You choose. There will be pain in your life. The question is, are you going to allow it to make you a better person or a bitter person? You can moan and groan and become bitter. Or you can stay sweet in a suffering world by remembering these four things:

The Holy Spirit is praying for you. “[T]he Spirit himself speaks to God for us, and even begs God for us with deep feelings that words cannot explain” (Romans 8:26 NCV).

God uses everything for your good. “And we know in all things God works for the good of those who love Him” (Romans 8:28 NIV). God is bigger than your enemies. He’s bigger than your critics. He’s bigger than your problems. And he’s working it all for good in your life.

God wants you to succeed. “If God is for us, who can ever be against us?” (Romans 8:31 NLT). God wants you to succeed in all those areas where you are failing. He’s pulling for you.

God will give you what you need. “And since God did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t God, who gave us Christ, also give us everything else?” (Romans 8:32 NLT). God solved your biggest problem when he paid for all your sins, including the ones you haven’t done yet. If God cared enough to save you and give you the gift of eternal life, don’t you think he cares about the problems in your daily life? If it’s big enough to worry about, it’s big enough to pray about. And if you pray about it, you won’t have to worry about it.

All of these things should remind you that God is good and he’s in control.

Perfect...

I mentioned in THIS post that I had decided to start speaking this baby into our lives. My parents will be here in about a week and our plan is to start working on the nursery. My OCD personality wants to make sure that our nursery is somewhat ready if a birthmother chooses us...which can happen in a blink of an eye.

One of the first things that we are going to do is paint the nursery a green color. So I searched high and low for some baby boy and baby girl fabrics that I liked...both incorporating green into the color scheme. I finally came across several fabrics that I think would make the perfect crib bedding.

I ordered these swatches for crib bedding to help us choose the perfect shade of green for our perfect baby...

For a boy...

For a girl...

I'm not planning on using ALL of the fabrics you see above, but wanted to at least get an idea of how they all would coordinate. To be honest, I love ALL the fabrics...so I'm not really sure how in the world I'm going to narrow them down and choose the ones we will actually use. BUT I think I have chosen the perfect shade of green to start the nursery with.

PERFECT!!!!

Mercies in Disguise...

I am so in love with this song right now...so true.

He NEVER Disappoints...

God never ceases to amaze me. Just when I need an answer, an extra boost in my day, or a little encouragement to get me over a hump...He always delivers.

Proof...

I was sitting at the doctor's office on Monday and I was having one of those days. My hormones were out of whack, I had a MILLION things to take care of at work, and I was dreading my upcoming birthday AGAIN without a baby. All I really wanted to do was go back home and go to bed.

I decided it would probably be a good idea to read through some of the verses on my Daily Prayer app on my phone. Here is the very first scripture that appeared...

They said to him, "Where is Sarah your wife?" And he said, "She is in the tent." The Lord said, "I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife shall have a son." Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. Abraham and Sarah were already old and well advanced in years, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, "After I am worn out and my master is old, will I now have this pleasure?" Then the Lord said to Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh and say, 'Will I really have a child, now that I am old?' Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return to you at the appointed time next year and Sarah will have a son." ~Genesis: 9-18

My attitude changed in an instant...He NEVER disappoints, does He?

Kokopelli...

Since experiencing the waiting for a child for quite a few years now, I've come in contact with the fertility god, Kokopelli QUITE a few times. Not in REAL life, of course, but you get the idea :)

I got really tickled though, when I saw this huge picture of Kokopelli in one of the rooms in our doctor's office...

Actually, there are SEVERAL symbols, artwork, and even a windchime depicting Kokopelli's picture in this room.

In case you haven't heard about Kokopelli, I found some interesting facts about him...

Kokopelli embodies the true American Southwest, and dates back over 3,000 years ago. There are many myths of the famous Kokopelli. One of which is that he traveled from village to village bringing the changing of winter to spring; melting the snow and bringing about rain for a successful harvest.  It is also said that he was the source of human conception. Legend has it, everyone in the village would sing and dance throughout the night when they heard Kokopelli play his flute. The next morning, every maiden in the village would be with child. (info from Kokopelli.com)

I'm sure praying that Kokopelli brings us luck and I wake up SOON with a child of my own :)

Sentimental Crib...

When we were in Texas a few weeks ago for my high school reunion, we spent Saturday morning with my grandmother (I call her Mother). She shared with me that she wasn't sure if I would be interested, but my great-grandfather built a crib for her when she was a baby, and thought I might want it for our baby. The crib was not only used for my grandmother, but also for my dad and his two brothers. It is definitely an antique, at least 80 years old...but more importantly, it was built by my great-grandfather (who passed away last year at the age of 102).

I am SO excited about this...how sentimental and special would it be to have our baby sleep in the crib that my great-grandfather built with his own two hands?!?!?

My grandmother took the crib last week to a company that specializes in refurbishing antique furniture. She was concerned that it wouldn't be able to be fixed, but they felt confident that they could change out some of the bolts, screws, etc. and paint it. I thought that I might want it stained to match our bedroom furniture...we are thinking this crib will be the one we keep in our room when the baby is small and we can get a bigger one for the actual nursery. But, the company was concerned that due to the fact that the wood is so old, it wouldn't hold stain very well. So we've decided to just have them paint it white instead.

Here are a few pics of the crib BEFORE...

It was one of those cribs that you could adjust the railing up or down, but since that is no longer safe, they are going to bolt it into one position.

My grandmother thinks that it will be ready by the time my parents come again for a visit at the end of July and they can bring it to us.

I am SO very excited about this sentimental crib and look forward to the day when I can tell our sweet baby who made it :)

Speaking it into My Life...

A good friend of mine told me YEARS ago that I needed to start speaking our baby into our lives. She encouraged me to start working on our nursery, start buying clothes, and to start picking out a crib/furniture.

After meeting with our social worker last week, I realized that she could call us one day, without a moments notice, and tell us that our baby is HERE. She commented that she's had several conversations where she called the adoptive parents and said..."Your baby is here! Go to Target TONIGHT because the baby will be placed with you TOMORROW!!" How exciting would that be?!?!?

So I've decided to take my friend's advice...FINALLY! The next time my parents are in town, we are going to start moving out all our guest furniture and get the room ready. I have wanted (and envisioned for YEARS) to have wainscoting or recessed paneling in our baby's room. So I am hoping that the hubby and my dad can do that during the next trip.

I've picked out a few designs that I think would be pretty...

I've also decided to paint the room green on the top of the wainscoting or recessed paneling...that way, we can add blue if it's a boy or pink if it's a girl :) Not sure which type of green yet, but I'm looking at crib bedding right now and trying to narrow it down.

So here I go...speaking this baby into my life!!!

Play it Down and Pray it Up...

Play It Down and Pray It Up

by Rick Warren

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9 (NIV)

Is there pain in getting in shape? Yes. Is there a profit to it? Yes. Is there pain in doing the right thing in your marriage? Yes. Is there profit to it? Yes. Is there pain in having a daily quiet time and being disciplined? Yes. Does it have profit and benefit? Yes.

To endure short-term pain in a situation, you need to look at the long-term reward.

“He (Jesus) was willing to die a shameful death on the cross because of the joy he knew would be his afterwards; and now he sits in the place of honor by the throne of God” (variation on Hebrews 12:2b LB).

Why did Jesus go to the cross? Because he knew the joy that would be his afterward – the joy of seeing all of us saved. He was willing to go through the pain of the cross because he could look past it to the reward that followed.

When you are going through any kind of problem, any kind of pain, play it down and pray it up. Take it to God in prayer as you keep in mind whatever it is isn’t the end of the world.

Take a moment and read 2 Corinthians 11:24-30. Paul was beaten and stoned, survived a shipwreck, faced robbers, floods, deserts, and stormy seas, went without food and water, and lacked sleep and clothing to keep him warm. Yet, in spite of all these things he endured during his ministry, he was still able to say, “We do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all” (2 Corinthians 4:16-17 NIV).

Everything that Paul endured for the gospel he called “light and momentary troubles.” He knew it was all a matter of perspective. He minimized the pain and maximized the profit.

Today’s verse from Galatians says that “at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” There is always a delay between when you plant the seed and when you eat the fruit. What we often want is to plant the seed in a prayer and expect the harvest of an answer immediately. But that’s not how it works.

Whatever season you find yourself in right now, the planting season or the growing season that requires waiting, know that the harvest will come if you don’t give up. Just look past the current pain to the eternal gain that awaits you.

The Book...

So many of you left comments on THIS POST that I wrote a few weeks ago about our Adoption Book. So I thought it would be a good idea to share some things with you about what we did.

We used Shutterfly and it was GREAT! We had actually put our entire book together though Scrapblog and then uploaded each of the pages onto Shutterfly and then realized that Shutterfly has pre-made photo books that have background pages, designs, stickers, and much much more, so we decided to ditch our first book idea and use what Shutterfly had to offer.

The morning I placed the order for our book, I got a text message from my hubby letting me know that he wanted to change some of the wording on one of the pages. So I frantically called Shutterfly and they were so great and allowed us to cancel our order. David fixed the wording on the pages that evening and then I turned right around and ordered the book the following night...WHICH, turned out to be better for us, because they were having a sale on photo books because of Father's Day :)

Our book came in about two weeks ago and I was a little disappointed that one of the pictures we used had low resolution. Before you order your book, Shutterfly tells you all the pages that have photos with low resolution or if you have some photos too close to the edge of the page or if some of your wording is too long to fit on the page. Unfortunately, I ignored that warning, only because when I previewed our book, the photo looked fine to me. But, because this photo was the FIRST photo of our book, I just wasn't satisfied with that and wanted our book to be PERFECT! So I changed the photo and ordered another one :)

David and I talked and decided that we didn't want to share our entire Adoption Book with anyone. We feel as if it is very private and something that is very serious to us. AND, you never know who might see this book through my blog. So I have chosen a few pages that I think are safe for us to share with all of you, so those of you in the adoption process or for those of you considering adoption, this might give you an idea on how you can go about creating your Adoption Book...

This is the cover of our book...it is a hard cover and is glossy.

This is the section in our book where we explained how we met and how long we dated.

And this is the section where we talked about our nephew and how much we LOVE being his Auntie Lianna and Uncle D.

The quality of the book is top notch...I was SO pleased!

AND...I was filled with JOY when I dropped our book off on Wednesday this past week and sat down with our Social Worker to go over all the pages and to give her a little narrative about who everyone was in the photos and a little history about some of the people and things we decided to share with our birthmother. She kept commenting throughout our meeting about how great she thought our book turned out and felt as if it was PERFECT!

It's only a matter of time...and Lord knows we are READY!!!

The Sweetest Words...

I have been diagnosed with colitis since I was a junior in high school. I have been taking pills after pills after pills for over twenty years now. Although I haven't had any physical symptoms of colitis in years, my colonoscopies always come back showing some inflamation and redness.

BUT, now that I have started this new medication, I am proud to say that I heard the sweetest words from my gastrointerologist today...You are completely healed. Your colon is 100%!!!!

I couldn't believe my ears...I have been waiting to hear these words for over twenty years now.

We aren't sure if my colitis has any part in our infertility, but my gastrointerologist has a feeling it does. He has seen research studies that indicate that colitis flare-ups can interfere with pregnancy. But now that I am healed, we are hoping to pursue more treatments.

Praise the Lord!!!!

A WAY Overdue Update!!!

A really good blogger friend of mine, sent me an email this morning to check in on me...it's been FOREVER since I've blogged!!! I have just been busy with work, family, and well, just LIFE!!!

My parents and grandparents have been in town for the past week, so I'm also trying to soak up every single minute with them possible :)

I did want to give a quick update on our adoption and fertility journey.

Our application fee is PAID and I ordered our adoption/life picture book yesterday. So we are moving forward with the adoption process and I couldn't be happier. Not to brag, BUT, we spent so much time on our adoption/life picture book that I can't imagine a birth mother not choosing us :) In all seriousness, I think our book is the perfect reflection of our lives, marriage, and who we are. I am so anxious for it to arrive so I can submit it to the agency. Once that is done, we will officially be ready for a birth mother to choose us. SO EXCITING!!!

We are also moving forward with our last IVF treatment. I FEEL as if my body is doing great with the new colitis medicaiton I have been taking and am scheduled for another colonoscopy next week, June 1. If my gastrointerologist gives us the green light, we'll be starting our IVF treatment immediately.

Who knows...we may be blessed DOUBLE this year! Wouldn't that be a blessing???

His Timing...

Yet again, God spoke DIRECTLY to me through this devotional...
“My times are in Your hand...”~Psalm 31:15
God doesn’t always work on our timetable. In fact, He rarely does. But in a single moment, God can change your life! All throughout Scripture, we see examples of how God was working behind the scenes and instantly turned things around for His people. Scripture tells us He is the same yesterday, today and forever which means He can instantly turn things around for you, too!

You may be going through some difficulty today, but be encouraged because your times are in God’s hands. He wants to accelerate things in your favor. He wants to take you further than you dreamed possible and work in your life in ways beyond what you have ever ima
gined.

Let this truth sink down into your heart today. Resist discouragement by speaking His Word over your future. Keep standing. Keep hoping; keep believing because He is working behind the scenes. He’s going to accelerate your times and lead you into the life of victory He has for you!


Believing it!!!

Falling Into Place...

This last week has been one filled with excitement, happiness, and joy! It seems as if everything we have been waiting for has been (FINALLY) falling into place.

Through faith and patience, you will see God’s promises come to pass in your life.

We have been spending the past week working on our adoption book and it has been so fun reminiscing about our childhood, wedding, vacations, etc.

One of the agencies we plan to work with has been in touch with our Social Worker and I actually dropped off our home study to them yesterday.

If you will stay in faith, God will always complete what He started in you.

I had a terrible time sleeping last night because I am so excited to be completing our application with this agency T.O.M.O.R.R.O.W!!! We will officially start the adoption process at 11:00 a.m. when we meet with this agency.

Please say a prayer for us as we start this journey...it is our dream come true.

“Get ready! This is the day the Lord will give you victory!”~Judges 4:14

The Next Step...

David and I attended our first Adoption Orientation a few nights ago...and to say it was fabulous, is well, an understatement! It is almost unreal to think that within a year or a year and half, we could have our very own baby...complete with a sweet nursery, late night feedings, coos, cries, onesies and burb cloths...sounds like HEAVEN to me!!!

I really had an overwhelming feeling that our dreams are just around the corner. It's been a long time since I've had this confidence...and it feels so good.

We had our social worker over tonight to finalize our update of our Home Study, since it's already been a year since we obtained it. We asked her several questions and again had a great feeling that our reality will soon involve a baby.

Our next steps are to put in our applications with a few agencies...we already have a few picked out. AND start to work on our Life Books. I plan on visiting Shutterfly this weekend to get started.

It's never felt better to take the next step than it does right now!

Waiting Here for You...

I have had a recurring theme on this blog lately...WAITING!

And just like He always does, God put this song in my path this week. It's called Waiting Here for You and  it's  just FABULOUS!!!



The VERY first line of the song had me hooked!!! Let those mountains MOVE!!!

Stumbling...

Although I was hoping to enjoy my Spring Break last week, the news that yet again I needed to wait really got me down. I KNOW that waiting until the summer would be better and less stressful, waiting until my body has healed even more would be the ideal situation, and waiting to save yet more money for the procedure would be perfect. But that word WAIT just kept ringing in my ears. But I am trying my best to realize that this is only a STUMBLING block in this marathon that I WILL FINISH!

I read this devotional this morning and it gave me the peace that I needed...

If you're outside walking and see something that could cause you to trip and fall, maybe a rock or a stick, you probably don't make a big deal about it and just go around it. However, if you are distracted, not looking where you're going, or if it's too dark to see, that same object can become a stumbling block.
Friend, in our spiritual journey, the enemy has strategically placed all kinds of stumbling blocks in our paths. When we make the Word of God our number one priority, it helps us to move forward with our eyes wide open. His Word lights our path and helps us see clearly where to step. When we love His Word, we keep our peace and avoid stumbling. Remember that the most important thing you can do is take time to read and meditate on His Word. His Word is life and strength to your body, and it will protect and direct your every step today!

"Great peace have they who love Your law, and nothing can make them stumble" ~Psalm 119:165


Nothing will make me stumble...

The Journey...

So we've had another setback in our journey to becoming parents. My gastrointerolgist thought it would be best for me to wait until I had my 8 week infusion before giving me the clear to try IVF again. My next infusion isn't until the end of May, which means I won't be able to do another cycle until July.

As expected, I was very upset to hear this news. Don't get me wrong, I want everything to be perfect when we go through this cycle, I'm just frustrated with being told that we need to wait yet again.

Someone very important to me shared these words of wisdom...

It's not the finish, that makes a person but the roads we took to get to the end.....keep your mind and focus clear and enjoy each day you have been given.

So I'm taking this advice and focussing on the journey.

Quick Update...

I feel as if I haven't blogged about our journey in SO LONG! The truth is, I haven't. I have been finding it so hard recently to blog or even read blogs. I have so many things going on in my life...between work, family, selling Mary Kay, trying to start out new Doggie Boutique business, and just everyday life, my blog and blog reading have come in last place.

I did want to give a quick update on where we are because I truly believe that this blogging community is a HUGE group of God's greatest Prayer Warriors. And I could always use prayers...

I am going in on Tuesday this week to get another infusion for my colitis. I truly believe with all my heart and soul that this new medication is doing the trick. I felt great...no stomach aches or pains and I have lots of energy...Praise the Lord!!! On Friday this week, I will have another colonoscopy so my doctor can actually take a look to ensure the medication is working the way it should. If all is well, we are going to procede with another IVF procedure. I covet your prayers that my colon is continuing to heal and that we can pursue this avenue with IVF.

On another note, I have been very frustrated on the adoption journey lately. I tried to contact TWO different adoption agencies...one of them I emailed and left a message for them TWICE. Unfortunately, NEITHER of the agencies have returned my call. Please pray that I receive peace over this situation. I am not sure if this is God's way of telling me to sit back and be patient or if it's His way of telling me to wait. Either way, I'd love your prayers for peace...it's so hard coming to the realization that we are finally READY to take this next step with adoption, to have the door slammed in our face. I know it is only temporary, but frustrating still the same.

I will blog again after my results this week with the medication and the colonoscopy. We ARE getting closer to becoming parents...it's finally HIS timing.