Friday, March 23, 2012

Deepest Wounds...

I saw this on quote on Twitter the other day and it really made me think about our journey and how it not only affects me, David, and our immediate family, but also how much it affects other people...

"What if our deepest wounds are the very places through which God's mercy flows through others." ~Sheila Walsh

I continue to believe that God chose this path for our lives to not only open our hearts and minds, but also to teach us about trusting Him and His timing. I've received so many sweet emails and comments over the past 7 years about how much our story has helped others, how our faithfulness is inspiring, how our strength is amazing...and the reality of it all is that MOST of the time, I feel that I am lacking faith and that I am meek, impatient, frustrated, and ALWAYS questioning God's decisions.

But this quote had me thinking that this journey isn't all about David and's about all those watching us as we experience this journey and how our deepest wounds could help others overcome their greatest fears, losses, or frustrations.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

In Limbo...

I received confirmation from our RE that we can move forward with another round of IVF. Can I tell you just how hard it is to decide what we should do next?!?! David and I have been talking, thinking, praying and  contemplating what our next steps should be these past few weeks. Should we try IVF again or should we just move to adoption?!?

I did realize that it is time to renew our Home Study again...can you believe it has been three years since we got our Home Study and we have yet to officially put our hat in the ring for adoption. We have our Home Study completed, our Life Book put together, an adoption agency picked out...yet we haven't pulled the trigger yet. We put our adoption journey on hold, recommended by our Social Worker, since we had planned to pursue another IVF.

We are still in limbo stage right now...not sure how to move forward, but we are praying that the Lord will lead us into the direction He has planned for us.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Down But NOT Out...

I have had a terrible past two days. I was starting to question why we are going through this journey and why we are facing so many disappointments. I had a great talk with David and my mom...which made a LOT of things better. They both put a bandaid over how I was feeling. But I was still at my breaking point when all of a sudden, several miracles started coming my way.

God never ceases to amaze me.

The first miracle was a text message that I received from one of my blogger friends. It was totally unexpected and was basically a text of encouragment that she had experienced the same thing. Two unexplained miscarriages, folic acid, aspirin, and eventually heparin...and now she is the proud mother of a precious little boy.

Then I received a sweet email from someone that reads my blog. This blogger had emailed me right after our second miscarriage to let me know she was praying for me. She decided to email me today to let me know that I am STILL in her prayers, despite what we are dealing with right now.

And as if that wasn't enough encouragement, I received a daily devotional that began with this verse..."Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again, my Savior." Psalm 42:5

My heart has been rejuvenated, my faith has been restored, my hope is overflowing!

I might have been feeling like I was down for the count, but I am definitely NOT out!

Monday, March 5, 2012

And the Results are In...

I went to my appointment today with the hematologist and I walked out of his office in a state of shock. I am so confused by the results he gave us today. David and I plan to talk today and take a few days to think about how we want to proceed. We both have mixed and confused emotions.

Here are the results...

I originally was diagnosed as having a Folic Acid deficiency. So I started taking a Folic Acid supplement on top of the prenatal vitamins. When the hematologist checked for this in my bloodwork, he didn't see the deficiency. This could be a result of me already taking the Folic Acid supplement. This is good news, well at least I think it is.

Our fertility doctor also diagnosed me as having APLS. You can read about this on my post HERE if you missed it. Although I wasn't thrilled that I was diagnosed with APLS, I felt it was a good thing to at least have an answer. Well the hematologist shared that I in fact do NOT have APLS. He said that my blood levels did not show this and that he doesn't think that I have it. When I was originally diagnosed, the doctor shared with me that the threshold for APLS ranged from a level 16-40 and mine was 19...barely over the minimium. This time when the hematologist tested my blood, I was not over 16. This is NOT good news. Well...I guess it is good that I don't have APLS, but that still leaves us with not knowing what is causing the pregnancy loss.

My hematologist did recommend that I take Heparin shots and baby aspirin a week before transfer, if we decided to do IVF again. And to continue with the Heparin throughout the pregnancy.

So long story short...the results are in, but we aren't quite sure what to do with the results yet.

Please pray for us!!!

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Hematologist Appointment...

The devil is working his nasty little tail off to try and bring me down. But it's not going to matter how hard he tries. Let me explain...

About three weeks ago, I scheduled my appointment to see the hematologist immediately after speaking with our fertility doctor. The day before my appointment, I received a phone call from the nurse, confirming my appointment and the location. This particular hematologist has two offices/locations. I wasn't familiar with one of the locations, so as I was traveling to my appointment the next day, I called the office to make sure I was traveling in the right direction. The receptionist seemed puzzled as we were talking and shared that my appointment was actually at the other location. I told her to please call that location to let them know that I was going to be a little late because the reception that called to confirm my appointment had actually told me the WRONG location. We hung up and proceeded to travel to my appointment. Not five seconds later, I received a phone call from the same nurse letting me know that the hematologist had already left for the day!! I was BEYOND mad at this point. The nurse asked me to give her a call once I got out of my car so we could set up another appointment. She could tell that I was frustrated because of this inconvenience.

I got home and called the doctor's office to set up another appointment. The Lord knew I was at my breaking point and he sent the sweetest lady to help me reschedule my appointment. She was kind, apologetic for the mix up, and literally calmed me down within a few minutes of being on the phone. We rescheduled my appointment for the following week.

The devil doesn't give up that easily though. The day before my rescheduled appointment, the receptionist called to confirm my appointment and the location again. I specifically asked her again if she could confirm the location because of the mix up I had the previous week. She seemed irritated at the mention of that situation and was not very friendly when I called the NEXT day to confirm again before I left work for the appointment.

I get to my appointment on time and the doctor doesn't see me until an hour later...can you say FRUSTRATION?!?!? During my meeting with the hematologist, I found out that he is partners with the doctor I see for my Remicade (my colitis medication). I WISH I would have known this because I am already familiar with my Remicade doctor and his office is less than five minutes from my work!! In any event, the hematologist wanted to run all the same tests over again to confirm what our fertility doctor had recommended. This meant that I had to go the very next day to have another pint of blood withdrawn and then wait ANOTHER TWO WEEKS for the results.

I have definitely learned the meaning of patience...I honestly feel like the most patient person in the entire world!!

I scheduled an appointment for this past Friday to meet with the hematologist and get my results. It also just so happened that I was scheduled to have Remicade that same day too. My hematologist appointment was scheduled for 9:00 a.m. and my Remicade for 2:00 p.m. I'm sure you know what happened...I received a call the day before my appointments to let me know that I had to reschedule one of the appointments because my file could not be in both places on the same day. WHAT?!?!?!? Needless to say, I kept my Remicade appointment and rescheduled my hematologist appointment for tomorrow, Monday, at 2:10 p.m.

This seems like some sick joke, doesn't it????

Please pray that we get some answers tomorrow AND that my appointment is not rescheduled for any reason. We are so ready to confirm what our fertility doctor suspects and be able to move forward in this journey.

By the way, I've decided to change my name to Job...I'm sure this is exactly what he felt like!!!!