Thursday, December 22, 2011

Heavenly Prize...

The day after we received the news that our pregnancy would not be moving foward, I received this devotional/verse:

"No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking foward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God is calling us." Phillipians 3:13-14

My heart may be broken right now because my plan didn't come to fruition...but I must realize that it isn't MY plan. I have grown stronger, more sensitive to others, grateful for my blessings, and thankful for my family and friends because of this journey.

We will receive our heavenly's only a matter of time!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Almost a Christmas Miracle....

David and I had our frozen embryo transfer right after the Thanksgiving holiday. We were able to freeze two blastocysts from our previous cycle and since we had a positive pregnancy test during that cycle, we were hopeful that this time we would get our miracle...a Christmas Miracle.

The day of my pregnancy test, we decided to take a home pregnancy test. Actually we took one the night before (we have NO patience), but unfortunately, the test came back negative. We were devastated and really just couldn't believe we were getting a "no" again.

Although I didn't really want to, I went in and had my blood drawn anyway. I went to work and did everything and anything I could to pass the time. I left work early that day because I just couldn't take the phone call from the nurse telling me that we were not pregnant at school.

At around 2:30, the nurse called to let me know that my blood results came in and I tested POSITIVE for pregnancy. I couldn't believe my ears...we had received our Christmas Miracle after all!!

We discovered that my BETA levels were extremely low, which is why the home pregnancy test wasn't positive. The nurse stated that if my hormone levels continued to increase, we would chalk it up to late implantation. David and I bought a TON of pregnancy tests and even tested that same evening. We received a faint positive...put positive nonetheless.

We continued to test for the next four days...each day, the test was positive and each day the pregnancy line became darker and darker. Our prayers had finally been answered!

I went in four days later to have my blood drawn again. We were hoping that my BETA would be at least 100. We were blessed beyone measure when the nurse called with a 125 BETA. Praise the Lord!! All seemed well with the world...our hopes to celebrate Christmas this year with our own miracle baby was coming true.

After a little Christmas shopping this past Friday evening, I came home and realized that I was spotting. My nurse had already warned me that many women spot during pregnancy and some even bleed throughout their first trimester. I was scared, but hopeful that this was normal. I woke up on Saturday morning to more spotting. I ran a few errands, got my hair cut, and then came home. I immediately went to the restroom and discovered that my spotting had turned into bleeding. David called the on-call nurse and explained our situation. We were reassured that this could still me normal, but we would go in on Monday for another blood test. If my BETA numbers had continued to increase, we would have an ultrasound to confirm that everything was going as planned.

I went in yesterday for my blood was the LONGEST day EVER!!! I finally received a call from the nurse that evening letting me know that although my BETA had increased, it was no where near what it should be for a week's time to have passed. My BETA should have been over a 1000 and was only 328. My heart was broken and our Christmas Miracle turned into an "almost" Christmas Miracle.

I woke up this morning with more bleeding and more cramping. I put in a call to my doctor's office to keep them informed. They are wanting to see me to rule out a tubal pregnancy.

Why? Why is this happening?

I am an emotional rollercoaster...dipping and diving, turning upside down, and I feel as if as soon as I get as high as I can, I come crashing down.

"Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.'" Psalm 91:1-2

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Verses for the Holidays...

As we approach the Christmas Holiday, I find that I am leaning more and more on these verses...

"Let us hope unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

"The Lord's hand is not shortened, that it cannot save, nor His ear heavy, that it cannot hear." Isaiah 59:1

"I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continuously be in my mouth." Psalm 34

These are what I call my go-to verses. I have committed them to memory and call on them quite often. Of course as Christmas gets closer and closer, this wait seems harder and harder. 

I have seen God peform miracles lately...things that I never imagined in my wildest dreams could happen. I am continuing to pray that He hears my cries and will answer them sooner than later. 

This morning, as I was praying, I received this verse... 

"Don't be afraid! I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all the people." Luke 2:10

Regardless of my situation, I know that He is the reason for the season, and He will bring great joy to all His people.

Praying for SO many of you still waiting to be blessed with child.