Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Almost a Christmas Miracle....

David and I had our frozen embryo transfer right after the Thanksgiving holiday. We were able to freeze two blastocysts from our previous cycle and since we had a positive pregnancy test during that cycle, we were hopeful that this time we would get our miracle...a Christmas Miracle.

The day of my pregnancy test, we decided to take a home pregnancy test. Actually we took one the night before (we have NO patience), but unfortunately, the test came back negative. We were devastated and really just couldn't believe we were getting a "no" again.

Although I didn't really want to, I went in and had my blood drawn anyway. I went to work and did everything and anything I could to pass the time. I left work early that day because I just couldn't take the phone call from the nurse telling me that we were not pregnant at school.

At around 2:30, the nurse called to let me know that my blood results came in and I tested POSITIVE for pregnancy. I couldn't believe my ears...we had received our Christmas Miracle after all!!

We discovered that my BETA levels were extremely low, which is why the home pregnancy test wasn't positive. The nurse stated that if my hormone levels continued to increase, we would chalk it up to late implantation. David and I bought a TON of pregnancy tests and even tested that same evening. We received a faint positive...put positive nonetheless.

We continued to test for the next four days...each day, the test was positive and each day the pregnancy line became darker and darker. Our prayers had finally been answered!

I went in four days later to have my blood drawn again. We were hoping that my BETA would be at least 100. We were blessed beyone measure when the nurse called with a 125 BETA. Praise the Lord!! All seemed well with the world...our hopes to celebrate Christmas this year with our own miracle baby was coming true.

After a little Christmas shopping this past Friday evening, I came home and realized that I was spotting. My nurse had already warned me that many women spot during pregnancy and some even bleed throughout their first trimester. I was scared, but hopeful that this was normal. I woke up on Saturday morning to more spotting. I ran a few errands, got my hair cut, and then came home. I immediately went to the restroom and discovered that my spotting had turned into bleeding. David called the on-call nurse and explained our situation. We were reassured that this could still me normal, but we would go in on Monday for another blood test. If my BETA numbers had continued to increase, we would have an ultrasound to confirm that everything was going as planned.

I went in yesterday for my blood test...it was the LONGEST day EVER!!! I finally received a call from the nurse that evening letting me know that although my BETA had increased, it was no where near what it should be for a week's time to have passed. My BETA should have been over a 1000 and was only 328. My heart was broken and our Christmas Miracle turned into an "almost" Christmas Miracle.

I woke up this morning with more bleeding and more cramping. I put in a call to my doctor's office to keep them informed. They are wanting to see me to rule out a tubal pregnancy.

Why? Why is this happening?

I am an emotional rollercoaster...dipping and diving, turning upside down, and I feel as if as soon as I get as high as I can, I come crashing down.

"Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.'" Psalm 91:1-2

23 comments:

Meg said...

Words fail me. But I lift you to the one who will not fail, the one who makes no mistakes, the one who created you and knit your babies in your womb. Today I life you to Him and pray for his mercy and grace to be showered upon you~
Much love, many prayers.

Whitney said...

I am so sorry for another disappointment. No words can take away your pain but I will be sending prayers to you. You are in my thoughts.

Ann said...

I am so sorry! Praying for your family!

Rebecca Jo said...

I just want to cry for you...

I have no words that can comfort, but just know I'm praying to our God who is the ultimate source of comfort in all this confusion & heartache.

belle said...

there are no words, but i am crying with you and praying as well.

Amanda Mae said...

I'm just sitting here with tears in my eyes...I am so sorry. I continue to pray for you daily and hope that you will find comfort and strength.

Fabiola said...

My Dear Friend, I have no words to comfort you. I really wish I could take your pain away.

I'm praying so hard for you!!

Lauren said...

Praying for your miracle!!!!!!!!!!!

rae said...

I am so so sorry! I just can't even imagine! Definitely praying!!

Sara said...

This brought tears to my eyes. I'm praying for you and with you!

Anonymous said...

man. I am just so sorry. God will come through for you. But this just sucks. I'm so sorry. I'm praying for you, though I don't know you, my heart is breaking for you. Isaiah 9 calls Jesus the Prince of Peace which in Hebrew is Sar Shalom. Sar meaning -governor, the chief, The ruler; and Shalom of course meaning peace, rest, tranquility. Praying he is your governor of rest, the ruler of tranquility, and the chief of rest for you over these next few days. That he will be a canopy of peace for you in this chaos and pain. He will end this madness one day. Hold on to him.

Niki said...

Im so sorry. I know there are no words to express just how sad I am for you. Other than, I'm on the rollercoaster too and it stinks. Praying for you.

Britney said...

I'm so sorry. ;( I've been where you are at, and in many ways, still am. It's so hard to make sense of struggling and suffering. We do know that God uses suffering to bring us closer to Him. Soon, all of this will be in your rear view mirror, and maybe, just maybe, we'll understand the reason for it all. Praying that you are able to experience more of God today, and see Him working in all of this pain.

xoxo

Alyson said...

Oh Lianna...my heart breaks for you and David right now. The emotional rollercoaster of this journey is so incredibly hard. I'm so very sorry that this Christmas miracle didn't stay to be a miracle in your arms. Your precious little one is a life in Heaven though, waiting for the day they will get to meet their mommy! I have been praying so hard for you that God will bless you with a precious baby, and I will continue to pray for you each day! God has given you this passion and desire to be a mom, and He WILL fulfill your deepest desires!! I will be praying that it will happen soon!

But right now, I'm praying most of all that He would comfort your heart right now. That he would wrap His arms around you and show you His love, even when nothing is making sense and your heart is breaking.

Love you, dear friend.

Heather said...

Lianna- words fail me. i am so truly deepy sorry my precious friend. But I know the Lord never fails ever when we cant see His hand, we can Always trust His heart.

Wade's World said...

I am so sorry. You are in my prayers!

Bobbi Johnson said...

Oh my gosh, I am so very sorry. What a whirlwind of incredible ups and awful lows. You deserve this more than anyone, and I'm so sorry you are only left with the question of "Why?" but someday, somehow the answer will be known to you. You are in my prayers as you go through this holiday season not as you had hoped.

Sonya said...

I am so sorry Lianna. Praying for you!

meg said...

I am so beyond sorry -- I felt so sick while reading that and am so sad for you and your family. There are no words, only the peace beyond understanding that I hope God is granting you right now, especially as Christmas is coming up so quickly. I'm so sorry ... take care of yourself and please know I'm praying for your strength to get through.

Ashley said...

I'm so sorry! Praying for you!

Jenna said...

Lianna and David...I am crying with you and praying for you. I wish I could take the pain from your heart. I am so, so sorry. Praying that the Lord would comfort you and give you strength.

Lacy said...

Lianna, I am so sorry for your loss. I cried with you as I read this post. So heartbreaking. I don't have adequate words, but am continuing to lift you and David up in prayer.

Silverlight developer said...

Its praying for you to have better but everything in his in hands though we say that we have everything. That where human beings get confirmed that he is one.