Thursday, August 18, 2011

It Was the Best of Times, It Was the Worst of Times...

These past six weeks have been the BEST of my life and the WORST of my life.

This post is going to be a shock to most, but wanted to share our story with those of you still waiting for your miracle AND to ask for prayers as we move forward with our journey to become parents.

David and I did another round of IVF in June/July. This cycle was 100% better than our two previous cycles. We had MORE eggs during the retrieval this cycle, MORE eggs fertilized this cycle, we were able to do a FIVE day transfer this cycle, AND we were even able to freeze TWO blastocysts this cycle. To say that we were LOVING life during this cycle is definitely an understatement.

My parents visited us for ten days and it was by far, the visit that I will remember for a lifetime. We discovered that we were finally PREGNANT after trying for five years AND we were able to share that news with my parents and with my mother-in-love together. It was what we had been dreaming about for YEARS.

My beta numbers looked great and we spent the past six weeks celebrating!!! We continued working on our nursery, I bought a few baby clothes, we shared the news with our close family and friends, and mom and I talked non-stop about the perfect name for our baby.

Our dreams started to crumble though when we went in for our first fetal ultrasound on Monday. It was a day that we had been anxiously awaiting...mainly because we were excited to see our baby's heartbeat AND we couldn't wait to see if we had one baby or TWO!!

But, our appointment didn't go exactly how we had planned. The technician conducting my ultrasound could not find a heartbeat for the baby. She was also concerned because the baby was not as big as it should be for 6 weeks 4 days pregnant. We kept our chins up and prayed that in the next two days, our little baby would continue to grown and we would be able to see a heartbeat on Wednesday. We researched this scenario for hours, we prayed for the past two days, and felt confident that our prayers would be answered.

But as our doctor proceeded with the ultrasound yesterday, our dreams slowly faded into a distant memory. Our baby is at least a week behind in growth and there is still no detectable heartbeat. The baby has stopped growing and we are to expect a miscarriage soon.

We seriously feel as if someone has reached inside our chests and pulled our hearts completely out. We came home from our appointment mad, frustrated, heartbroken, defeated. How could this be happening?

After a lot of crying, praying, and talking we came up with some positive things that have come from this experience:

1.  I CAN get pregnant. This is a huge piece of the puzzle we have been trying to solve for the past five years. This cycle showed us that we CAN get pregnant afterall.
2.  We do have TWO beautiful blastocysts frozen that we can transfer and we will not have to pay an arm and a leg to have this done.
3.  Our doctor shared that the reason the baby stopped growing was because he/she had some sort of chromosomal malfunction...it had nothing to do with anything that I did or didn't do and that this is God's way of preventing more heartache later.

My heart is still aching this morning and I honestly believe that I am still in shock over this news. I am still SO in love with this baby...our baby, our FIRST baby. But I'm trying to look at it as another step in this journey to parenthood.

Please keep us in your prayers as we pick ourselves up and continue to move forward. We know that the hard times are not quite over, as we will be losing our baby sometime within the next week. But we know the he/she was never ours to begin with....
"I pray for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours." John 17:9

It truly has been the BEST of times and the WORST of times.







41 comments:

Perfectly Imperfect said...

Oh Liana.. I am so, so sorry. What an awful thing to go through. Y'all are constantly in my prayers. And keep hope; it took us years and multiple miscarriages to get our little one, but she is so worth it. Keep fighting for your baby...

Natalie said...

Thank you for sharing this. I am so excited that you discovered you can get pregnant!!!!!!

I'm so sorry that you are going through a possible miscarrage though. I will be praying for your family but know God will provide :) xoxo

Heather Allen said...

Oh I'm so sorry. I am sending prayers your way.

Lauren said...

You my friend, ARE a fighter and you will so have that baby in your arms one day!!! I'm so so sorry Lianna!!!! I'm here for you. Love you!!!

Rebecca Jo said...

Oh sweet one! I'm so sorry... but am amazed at your attitude of finding positive in this. And YES, celebraing that you now know some answers & that you CAN get pregnant. We'll just start covering you in prayers for this next round. I know your heart is aching though in your loss... You are truly a mother now, feeling that pain :(

meg said...

Praying for you and your entire family ... my sister has had 9 miscarriages and I know how it effects extended family too. I'm so sorry for your loss, but so happy you found out that you can in fact get pregnant! That must feel like a big hurdle that you've cleared. I've read your blog for a while now (never commented before) but I know one day that I'm going to be celebrating the news of your baby with you!!!

Amy said...

Oh Lianna, I have NO words! Just know I will praying for you and your family in the coming days and months. My the arms to Jesus hold you closely. Hugs and Prayers!

Jenna said...

So sorry to hear this Lianna! Praying for ya'll!!

Stuart and Sarah Creamer said...

I love you girl! I am so thankful that we have become friends and I love getting your text and talking with you. You are not alone on this journey. You have so many friends and you have the Lord walking right beside you. I've been there. I have felt this pain. Crawl into His lap and let Him rock you. There is no better place to be! He will sustain!!!

Wonder Woman said...

I am so sorry and that was heartbreaking just to read so i know you are still processing and crying it out. but thank you for sharing anyway because those words had to be hard to type. I pray your frozen blasts and sticky take home babies!!!

Jamie said...

I have never commented before but I wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you and may you find comfort in Jesus.

Anna said...

Lianna, I'm so sorry. I'll be praying that God brings you peace throughout the next week. (((HUGS)))

waiting and wishing said...

My heart broke for you this morning as I read this, Lianna. The emotions of a very similar situation are still raw, and knowing another person is facing similar feelings is heartbreaking. We’ve just endured a very early miscarriage after our first IVF cycle, which seems to have been done right around the same time as yours. I can certainly understand and relate to you’re sentiment of ‘the best of times and the worst of times.’ It is so hard to go from the best days of your life to the hardest in a matter of hours. I’m praying for you.

Laura Ann said...

Oh sweet Lianna...I have prayed for you everyday of this journey and will continue to pray for you, David and your extended family. I wish you lived closer and I would wrap my arms around you so tight and whisper, "Our God is an awesome God and he will sustain you during this time". I have no words, there are no words BUT I am here. I love you and know you will be a Mommy one day soon.

Whitney said...

Sending prayers to you today. I had 4 IVFs before we had our triplets and the heartbreak of our failed cycles is still so real (my 1st ended in miscarriage). Try to focus on the positive - you can get pregnant and you have 2 beautiful blasts!! Motherhood WILL happen for you!

Faith said...

Oh, sweet friend this just breaks my heart. I'm so very sorry for the pain your heart feels right now. Praying so hard that God will continue to reveal His perfect plan for your family to grow. Big hugs!!

Ashley said...

So sorry for your loss! Praying for you during this difficult time.

Anonymous said...

So very, very sorry. You are in my prayers.

hopeful said...

Praying so much for you. May God be more near and real to you in the next few days than He has ever been. He is hurting with you. As are we. You are in our prayers. He is faithful.

Heather said...

I'm so sorry Lianna. I'm praying that God continues to hold you close as you trust Him on these next steps of your journey. I'm just so sorry.

Sarra said...

There is so much heartache in this journey, and I'm sorry to hear you are having to go through even more heartache now. I will say prayers for you as you go through the next few weeks. I am so inspired by the fact that you can see through the pain to recognize God's hand is still there in this somewhere and still carry your hope to the next cycle. I know you're going to be such a great mother someday.

michelle ellis said...

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am praying for you!

Tiffanie said...

I am praying for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

You have been on my mind and in my heart so much these past few days! I am praying...have been and will continue to pray for you and David.

xx


SA

rae said...

So So sorry! I am praying!

belle said...

xoxoxoxoxo

Anonymous said...

Came across your blog, through the next blog button. Praying for you and your husband during this time, remember We serve a MIGHTY GOD and He is able.

Megan said...

Oh Lianna!! I'm heartbroken for you! Totally and completely! I'm SO sorry!! =(

But as you said, at least you KNOW you can get pregnant now {and I'm sure that's no consolation right now when you're mourning the loss of your first miracle baby}!

{{{{HUGE HUGS}}}}

Sonya said...

I'm so sorry and I'm praying for you.

Lara said...

My heart is so very heavy for you and your husband. Although we have never met, and I am just a stranger who reads your blog my heart hurts for you. Much love and healing!

The Estes Family said...

You know I am praying!

bella said...

I know how rough this must be to go through. It took me 8 years to get pregnant. After two surgeries and endless drugs we decided to adopt. We adopted a beautiful 2 year old girl. I later, without any medical help, got pregnant and gave birth to my second daughter. When trying for a third I had a miscarriage. I then got pregnant and carried my third daughter to term. Even though my girls are now in their thirties and twenties I will NEVER forget the pain I went through. NEVER GIVE UP!!! God has a plan for your life and you WILL be a mother. I will continue to pray for you!

Julee said...

I have thought about you many times this week. I am heartbroken for you! I know our faithful God is getting you through this hard time! I am just so sorry for the pain you are feeling! Praying daily my friend!

Sara said...

So sorry to hear this, Lianna. Praying for you!

Lacy said...

Lianna, I literally cried for you as I read this post. I pray for you every night, and will continue praying as God works to reveal his plans for your family.

Kendra said...

Oh Lianna...tears are streaming down my face.

I have experienced that very same day. Our first pregnancy we had a very similar thing happen, and it is HEARTBREAKING to go in to an appointment pregnant, and leave still physically pregnant, but to know that the baby will not live.

I am so sorry. The next few days will be rough - I promise to be lifting you up.

Please email me if you have any questions about our story regarding how my miscarriage went post ultrasound.

Love you, sweet friend.

Jennifer said...

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. My heart just aches for you. I'm praying that God is your comfort and strength during this time.

Kristy said...

Oh I am sooo sorry. My heart is breaking for you. :( Prayers going up for you, sweetie.

Ella said...

Oh, Lianna. I'm so deeply sorry.

This was my story to the letter in July/August 2003. The only difference was that I actually conceived during an unmedicated cycle (huge shock) and we had only shared it with one set of parents per our doctor. I actually began miscarrying on the two hour trip home from our dreaded appointment where no heartbeat was detected. Sadly, I ended up in the hospital the next morning having lost too much blood too quickly.

Please, surround yourself with those who love you. And know that nothing gets to you without first being filtered by God. Your dream will happen. I'm still waiting on mine, but I'm confident that God knows our hearts and it will all be in his timing.

Allyson said...

I am so sorry for your loss! Praying for you during this difficult time.

Elé said...

Hi Lianna ! My name is Eléonore, I am french and I have been reading your for three months. I just wanted to tell you that your story does really touches me ! I went to World Youth Days this summer in Madrid and I just wanted to tell you that I prayed for you, especially there, with so many christians from all over the world beside me. Keeps on hoping ! I'm praying for you and I am convinced that you will be the best mum ever !

(sorry about the mistakes...!)

Lots of love
Eléonore