Thursday, September 29, 2011

The Detour...

I had a crazy day today and just wanted to use this blog to vent some of my frustrations. I think if I get it off my chest, I'll feel a TON better :)

I have feel as if I am driving mycar in a deserted town withOUT my GPS and everytime I turn around, I am running into a road block or a detour and some how I just can't make it to my destination.

My day started out with me not feeling well. I'm going on day three of the flu...I stayed home from school yesterday, but because my calendar is jammed pack, I bit the bullet and went in to work. I took a lot of medication, put my big girl pants on, and headed to school.

I mentor several kids and this entire week has left me feeling like I'm not doing such a good job. All the kids I am mentoring are still doing poorly in their classes and nothing I do seems to help. I feel like an epic failure right about now. BUT...we are only in the 5th week of a new school year, so I'm going to keep trying, keep meeting with my students, keep calling parents and doing whatever I can to help these kiddos.

At around noon today, I discovered that I did NOT get the $1500 bonus I was expecting. Our district gives out Merit Bonuses each year to teachers, assistant principals and principals. The teachers' bonus is based on those teachers that show a tremendous amount of student learning gains from a subject area test they take at the beginning of the year compared to the same test they take at the end of the year. Assistant Principal bonuses are based on our state mandated test learning gains in reading and math. The district takes the top 25% of Assistant Principals with the most gains, and they get the bonus. I was in such shock that I didn't receive it...by the way, I had planned to use the money to pay for our frozen embryo transfer...so I had my principal call downtown to make sure it wasn't a mistake. She did and found out that if they would have allowed one more school to receive the bonus, it would have been OUR school. I'm not quite sure what is worse...knowing that I didn't get the bonus or finding out that I was next in line.

After these blows today, I just thought to myself..."what else could happen and WHY are all these negative things happening to me." We have spent almost six years trying to have a baby, we have spent nearly all our retirement for treatments, procedures, and surgeries, we finally get pregnant to lose the baby just six weeks after conceiving, I feel like a blimp...I think I weigh more than I ever have in my entire life, and unfortunately, I don't have any motivation to do anything about it. It seems as if all we do is wait and every answer we get is "no"...and WHY?

Then I get home and read my daily devotional...it was appropriately called "The Detour."

It was based around Exodus 13:17 when the Israelites had been living in bondage in Egypt and after hearing their cries, God sent Moses to save them. Instead of Moses leading them the shortest route to the Promised Land, God directed Moses to take them through the wilderness...the longer route. The devotional went on to say that God knows the best path for us to take and even though it may seem like what we desire isn't coming to pass, He is preparing us to receive the blessings he has instore for us. Maybe there is some wrong thinking in us and He needs to deliver us from those thoughts and show us that we must have faith...faith in Him. What God promises will come to fruition, so we must trust Him and know that the detour will ultimately work out for our good and to Him be the glory.

Okay...I feel better for getting all this off my chest. Blog-therapy really does work :)

 So no matter where the road may lead me...over hills, rough terrain, or through a storm...I am still holding tightly to the verse that I have memorized and spoken over and over again..."I will bless the Lord at all times, His praise shall continuously be in my mouth." ~Psalm 34:1

8 comments:

Laura Ann said...

Praying for you for so many reasons Lianna. So sorry about the bonus, so disppointing for you. Keep believing.

belle said...

you have been on my heart, now i know why. my heart is breaking over your little one in heaven. it is no comfort now to say that one day you will hold him or her ... i know, i have 4 there. as i look back on the past 12 years of my own life , at how the story has unfolded, i am shocked at the route God has lead me through..... i would never have imagined that such pain could be felt along side such utter joy. i am praying fervently that His answers will come soon for you and that the longing of your heart and the space in your arms will soon be filled.i am not one of those who believes that God takes life away.... i just don't think He is that way and i don't know why He allows it to happen but i do stand firmly on the scriptures that say He redeems what satan has stolen and that all things will work for His glory for those that love and obey Him. my continual prayers are with you as you move forward in your journey.... and i am praying for His miraculous intervention for the finances needed in ways that will astound all those who are watching HIS story unfold in your life. (((((hugs)))))

Fabiola said...

It is a powerful post. I know your feeling, I've been in your shoes, so many times!!

I wish I have some wisdom to share, but the only thing I can do is to pray for you and David!!!

Big Hug!!!

Lauren said...

Whatever the detours maybe, I know God has an awesome plan for you and your family!! Love you, friend! :)

Heather L. said...

Lianna, I ran across your blog today, and I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I had a very similar situation happen in January (baby with chromosomal defect/several ultrasounds/D&C), and it was awful. I am still recovering from it - both physically and mentally - so give yourself time. Please know that you are in my prayers!

ica said...

pretty blog!! :)

Amanda Mae said...

Lianna - I am so sorry about the baby. I will continue to keep you guys in my prayers!

Jennifer said...

God has something big planned for you and David. Know I am praying for you always!

Love you friend
(((HUGS)))