Saturday, January 9, 2010

He's Hurting Too..

I promised myself that I would have a different outlook on our journey to become parents this new year...and I have.

I've been focusing on praying differently, putting my marriage first, getting healthy, and RELAXING!

It's been a lot easier than I thought it would be. Even today, when I found out that we weren't pregnant (again), I have only had thoughts and feelings of hope knowing that we WILL have children in our future...all we need to do is be patient and wait until His plan is revealed to us.


BUT...


Today was the FIRST day that I honestly realized that our wait for our family doesn't just affect me. My husband is hurting...and probably MORE than I ever thought he could hurt.

In a conversation this morning, not related to pregnancy or trying to conceive, I mentioned that I was not pregnant this month...his reaction to my comment really caught me by surprise. Although I am at peace with waiting (FINALLY), my husband responded by saying..."Why aren't we pregnant? Why is this happening? Something is wrong...very wrong. After all this time, I just don't understand why this is happening."


WOW! I was so surprised to hear this come out of his mouth. After he said how he was feeling, he went to our room, closed the door, and stayed in there for a while alone. I just sat in the living room, shocked by his comments and how raw his feelings were after hearing, yet again, that another month will go by without the baby we are hoping for.


I have spent the past four years trying to find the courage to let go...to understand that this is a journey that I have NO control over. And now thatI think that I've finally reached that level, it never occured to me that this difficult journey isn't just about me...he's hurting too.

16 comments:

The Estes Family said...

Of course he is....he love you very much!! Don't give up Lianna..it will happen. Only He knows when and how but it will and you will look at your baby and say..."this is why we had to wait so long" and you will be so happy you waited!! (I know that doesn't make it any easier but it's the truth!)

Jenna said...

Do you know that I had NO idea how our infertility affected Chris until...last week. Seriously. I had no clue that he would cry on his way to work, not understanding why this was our path. Its amazing how our men try to be so strong for us, but it really hurts them too. I don't have any words of wisdom or advice. But you know you are in my prayers by name. And if I could, I'd give you one big huge hug right now.

Lori said...

Oh, Leanna my heart breaks for you and your hubby. I wish so bad that you would have had a positive result this month. Keep your great, positive attitude. If there is one thing I have learned through our journey, is that a good attitude and a positive outlook are very helpful in getting through this. Praying for you.

Jenn said...

Oh sweet Lianna- that just breaks my heart. God's timing is mysterious...the more I try to understand it (and even mold it) the more I realize...it's been when I release my white-knuckles that are gripping to the situation. It's a process- I'm struggling SO much with his timing and his giving & taking away...I want to understand it, I want it to be now, I want to know why it's not right now...so many questions. But then I just have to realize...God is in control. So I just have to "Be still & know that He is God."

Sara Renee said...

I know how you feel. We've been TTC for a little over 3 years and now that I've relaxed and have cleared the path on what we are to do next, he's just at the point where he's showing how it affects him. It's hard to handle emotionally, and it almost sets me back to the beginning when I was losing control of my emotions. Then I just think about how him being calm and steady minded about it really helped me, and I choose to be strong for him.
You are on the right path! God Bless you both!!

Allyson said...

I remember the day that my husband had the same kind of conversation with me. It was devastating for me. I just didn't realize how our infertility affected him. It was then that I realized how much he wanted to be a dad and it was just as much as I wanted to be a mom. Praying for you and your husband!

Lisa said...

Oh Lianna...I am praying for you and David right now...I KNOW this is hard for the both of you!

Infertility is a tough road...hopefully you will find out some good news this year.

Lisa :)

Meredith Jeannette said...

Something I learned, it is hard for us being the barren women, but realizing the hurt our husbands feel during this journey can be even more heart breaking. I know when we found out it was due to male factor he took it really hard. Then when we finally decided to adopt and now 6 months into the matching process, after attending an adoption party and several adoption events, he is totally heart broken at the entire situation of infertility and the adoption process. In Feb we are crossing the 4 year mark when we decided to just let nature take its course and it hurts every year to see another year go by and still no baby in our home. I know by nurturing your marriage and sticking together you will grow so much over this...my husband and I have despite the babylessness. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband that you may grow together and turn to one another during the darkest times and come out of all of this with a beautiful baby boy or girl to show you that all the journey of waiting, the tears, and the joy was worth every bit!
-Meredith

Stuart and Sarah Creamer said...

It is amazing how much they hurt but don't show. Stuart never really would show it...he was the one who would say "It will happen Sarah, just have faith". He would say he didn't know why but that we just had to trust...but deep inside...he was hurting...almost as much as me! Just love on him and be there for one another. That is all you can do!

Lori said...

Honestly, I believe wholeheartedly that our husbands don't get enough credit for having feelings about building their family! The 10 years we struggled before Matthew were awful for me, but I realized when we decided to adopt how much it had hurt him. Then when the adoption fell through, I was crushed, and could tell how upset he was for not only me but for him as well. When we got pregnant, honestly, I think he would have caried Matthew if he was physically able to, and that was when I really realized how desperately he too had wanted a child. Now, as we are in the aftermath of Matthew dying, I am just amazed and in awe of his strength--he held Matthew as he died. He now says that after holding Matthew, he can't imagine never holding another son or daughter--and we'll be heading back to the clinic in a few months. His heart is just as raw as mine right now, and while we have a wonderful support system, it does seem the focus is always on the woman...I can say that hurting together really has brought us even closer than I previously thought we could be and I hope you and your husband are able to lean on and support each other through it. So sorry it was negative...praying for you both!

Candie said...

For some reason, I've just teared up for any and every reason the last few weeks. I read this and I'm just streaming. I'm so sorry for ya'll Lianna. I hate it for you both. I'm truly at a loss for words. I just wanted you to know that I care about ya'll and the daily struggle you both go through regarding this.

waiting and wishing said...

I remember the day that my husband told me how much our journey was hurting him. Although it was very hard to the hear how he was feeling, it was nice to know that I wasn't the only one who was stuggling on the inside. Misery loves company, right?
We are both much more open about our feelings now, and it has made this season of life a little easier.

Robin said...

I don't know you personally and just stumbled on your blog this morning. God is using you right now to help others, struggling with the same issues you are. I once was in your shoes. My husband and I tried for 3 years...checking monthly wishing, hoping praying for that blessed child Gd would give us. It was a LONG 3 years. I wish I could tell you something to make it better, you sound like you are focusing on the promises of GOD that is where we find TRUE faith.

God truly wants to give us the desires of our heart. PRAY. There was a book I read, I do not remember the name it talked about praying for our body parts to work properly even calling out in Jesus name, commanding them to function.

It was a long 3 years as I already said, we had 1 boy and 10.5 months later we had another. It then took 6 long years, 2 miscarrages before we had anymore children. We now have 4, 2 boys 9,8 and 2 girls 2,1 the girls are 12.5 months apart.

Lifting you in prayer RIGHT now...

Giggles said...

Thank you for this post. My husband and I have been trying for almost 10 years now and during this time have suffered two miscarriages and one stillbirth, a baby boy. I have never thought about how this affects my husband. Thank you so much for opening my eyes to see that my husband is going through the same emotions as the years go on that I do.

Giggles said...

Thank you for this post. My husband and I have been trying for almost 10 years now and during this time have suffered two miscarriages and one stillbirth, a baby boy. I have never thought about how this affects my husband. Thank you so much for opening my eyes to see that my husband is going through the same emotions as the years go on that I do.

Megan said...

Wow. That brought tears to my eyes. Sometimes {most of the time?} we don't realize what our guys are thinking about the whole infertility thing. They don't say much. I can only imagine what I'd say or do if Kyle was that open. (((HUGS)))