Heavenly Prize...

The day after we received the news that our pregnancy would not be moving foward, I received this devotional/verse:

"No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking foward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God is calling us." Phillipians 3:13-14

My heart may be broken right now because my plan didn't come to fruition...but I must realize that it isn't MY plan. I have grown stronger, more sensitive to others, grateful for my blessings, and thankful for my family and friends because of this journey.

We will receive our heavenly prize...it's only a matter of time!

Almost a Christmas Miracle....

David and I had our frozen embryo transfer right after the Thanksgiving holiday. We were able to freeze two blastocysts from our previous cycle and since we had a positive pregnancy test during that cycle, we were hopeful that this time we would get our miracle...a Christmas Miracle.

The day of my pregnancy test, we decided to take a home pregnancy test. Actually we took one the night before (we have NO patience), but unfortunately, the test came back negative. We were devastated and really just couldn't believe we were getting a "no" again.

Although I didn't really want to, I went in and had my blood drawn anyway. I went to work and did everything and anything I could to pass the time. I left work early that day because I just couldn't take the phone call from the nurse telling me that we were not pregnant at school.

At around 2:30, the nurse called to let me know that my blood results came in and I tested POSITIVE for pregnancy. I couldn't believe my ears...we had received our Christmas Miracle after all!!

We discovered that my BETA levels were extremely low, which is why the home pregnancy test wasn't positive. The nurse stated that if my hormone levels continued to increase, we would chalk it up to late implantation. David and I bought a TON of pregnancy tests and even tested that same evening. We received a faint positive...put positive nonetheless.

We continued to test for the next four days...each day, the test was positive and each day the pregnancy line became darker and darker. Our prayers had finally been answered!

I went in four days later to have my blood drawn again. We were hoping that my BETA would be at least 100. We were blessed beyone measure when the nurse called with a 125 BETA. Praise the Lord!! All seemed well with the world...our hopes to celebrate Christmas this year with our own miracle baby was coming true.

After a little Christmas shopping this past Friday evening, I came home and realized that I was spotting. My nurse had already warned me that many women spot during pregnancy and some even bleed throughout their first trimester. I was scared, but hopeful that this was normal. I woke up on Saturday morning to more spotting. I ran a few errands, got my hair cut, and then came home. I immediately went to the restroom and discovered that my spotting had turned into bleeding. David called the on-call nurse and explained our situation. We were reassured that this could still me normal, but we would go in on Monday for another blood test. If my BETA numbers had continued to increase, we would have an ultrasound to confirm that everything was going as planned.

I went in yesterday for my blood test...it was the LONGEST day EVER!!! I finally received a call from the nurse that evening letting me know that although my BETA had increased, it was no where near what it should be for a week's time to have passed. My BETA should have been over a 1000 and was only 328. My heart was broken and our Christmas Miracle turned into an "almost" Christmas Miracle.

I woke up this morning with more bleeding and more cramping. I put in a call to my doctor's office to keep them informed. They are wanting to see me to rule out a tubal pregnancy.

Why? Why is this happening?

I am an emotional rollercoaster...dipping and diving, turning upside down, and I feel as if as soon as I get as high as I can, I come crashing down.

"Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.'" Psalm 91:1-2

Verses for the Holidays...

As we approach the Christmas Holiday, I find that I am leaning more and more on these verses...

"Let us hope unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

"The Lord's hand is not shortened, that it cannot save, nor His ear heavy, that it cannot hear." Isaiah 59:1

"I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continuously be in my mouth." Psalm 34

These are what I call my go-to verses. I have committed them to memory and call on them quite often. Of course as Christmas gets closer and closer, this wait seems harder and harder. 

I have seen God peform miracles lately...things that I never imagined in my wildest dreams could happen. I am continuing to pray that He hears my cries and will answer them sooner than later. 

This morning, as I was praying, I received this verse... 

"Don't be afraid! I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all the people." Luke 2:10

Regardless of my situation, I know that He is the reason for the season, and He will bring great joy to all His people.

Praying for SO many of you still waiting to be blessed with child.

Although and You Shall...

It has been SO long since I made a post on this blog. Life has just been busy and I realized how hard it is to keep up with TWO blogs. But I read the most AMAZING devotional this morning and really felt as if those of you reading this blog really needed to hear about it as much as I did.

The devotional was centered around the verse Judges 13:3, "And the angel of the Lord appeared to the woman and said 'Although you are barren, having born no children, you shall conceive and bear a son.'"

I nearly fell out of my chair when I read this verse...mainly because I feel as if we are at a standstill. For the matter, I feel as if we have been in this stage for a LONG time. I imagine myself like one of those cartoon characters that is running as fast it can, legs moving a hundred miles an hour, but not really even moving yet. I feel as if I am standing still and time is just passing me by. My goodness, we have been trying to become parents for six years now...SIX YEARS!

I want to be like Sarah, Hannah, or Elizabeth. God changed their lives dramatically when He blessed them with children. I am sure at one point they felt just like I do...that they were never going to be a mom, that they would be barren forever. But as I read this verse today, the three words that really stood out to me were ALTHOUGH and YOU SHALL. "Although you are barren, having born no children, you shall conceive and bear a son." God changed their situation and gave them the desires of their hearts.

These three words could change the world...Although the economy is really struggling, and people are trying to survive, you shall maintain and job and prosper. Although you are single, having longed for a spouse, you shall find the perfect partner and live happily ever after. Although you were diagnosed with cancer, and the prognosis is serious, you shall overcome the illness and survive.

I can think of a million scenarios where although and you shall could turn a dim situation into one of the brightest moments in life. So although at times I feel as if I will never be a mom, after countless procedures, surgeries, and medications, I shall prevail and see my dreams come to pass.

Praying this same prayer for so many of you still waiting to be moms.

I Turn to You...

I know it is has been FOREVER since I've posted on this blog. With the holidays approaching...Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas, I always find myself super busy. I did want to update everyone that we are getting ready to start our Frozen Embryo Transfer. I would appreciate prayers during this time...not only is an IVF cycle emotional already, but during the holidays, it could be VERY emotional.

I also wanted to share a song that I've been LOVING lately. The lyrics just seem to get me through these times...afterall,  all I can do is Turn to Him.

One Day...

David shared this video with me yesterday and I can TOTALLY foresee this in our future with Kodi...

I LOVE my husky and I can't wait to see him interacting with our baby one day :)

The Detour...

I had a crazy day today and just wanted to use this blog to vent some of my frustrations. I think if I get it off my chest, I'll feel a TON better :)

I have feel as if I am driving mycar in a deserted town withOUT my GPS and everytime I turn around, I am running into a road block or a detour and some how I just can't make it to my destination.

My day started out with me not feeling well. I'm going on day three of the flu...I stayed home from school yesterday, but because my calendar is jammed pack, I bit the bullet and went in to work. I took a lot of medication, put my big girl pants on, and headed to school.

I mentor several kids and this entire week has left me feeling like I'm not doing such a good job. All the kids I am mentoring are still doing poorly in their classes and nothing I do seems to help. I feel like an epic failure right about now. BUT...we are only in the 5th week of a new school year, so I'm going to keep trying, keep meeting with my students, keep calling parents and doing whatever I can to help these kiddos.

At around noon today, I discovered that I did NOT get the $1500 bonus I was expecting. Our district gives out Merit Bonuses each year to teachers, assistant principals and principals. The teachers' bonus is based on those teachers that show a tremendous amount of student learning gains from a subject area test they take at the beginning of the year compared to the same test they take at the end of the year. Assistant Principal bonuses are based on our state mandated test learning gains in reading and math. The district takes the top 25% of Assistant Principals with the most gains, and they get the bonus. I was in such shock that I didn't receive it...by the way, I had planned to use the money to pay for our frozen embryo transfer...so I had my principal call downtown to make sure it wasn't a mistake. She did and found out that if they would have allowed one more school to receive the bonus, it would have been OUR school. I'm not quite sure what is worse...knowing that I didn't get the bonus or finding out that I was next in line.

After these blows today, I just thought to myself..."what else could happen and WHY are all these negative things happening to me." We have spent almost six years trying to have a baby, we have spent nearly all our retirement for treatments, procedures, and surgeries, we finally get pregnant to lose the baby just six weeks after conceiving, I feel like a blimp...I think I weigh more than I ever have in my entire life, and unfortunately, I don't have any motivation to do anything about it. It seems as if all we do is wait and every answer we get is "no"...and WHY?

Then I get home and read my daily devotional...it was appropriately called "The Detour."

It was based around Exodus 13:17 when the Israelites had been living in bondage in Egypt and after hearing their cries, God sent Moses to save them. Instead of Moses leading them the shortest route to the Promised Land, God directed Moses to take them through the wilderness...the longer route. The devotional went on to say that God knows the best path for us to take and even though it may seem like what we desire isn't coming to pass, He is preparing us to receive the blessings he has instore for us. Maybe there is some wrong thinking in us and He needs to deliver us from those thoughts and show us that we must have faith...faith in Him. What God promises will come to fruition, so we must trust Him and know that the detour will ultimately work out for our good and to Him be the glory.

Okay...I feel better for getting all this off my chest. Blog-therapy really does work :)

 So no matter where the road may lead me...over hills, rough terrain, or through a storm...I am still holding tightly to the verse that I have memorized and spoken over and over again..."I will bless the Lord at all times, His praise shall continuously be in my mouth." ~Psalm 34:1