I'm going to be honest...times are still hard for me right now. I've found myself these past few weeks FORCING one foot in front of the other. I'm generally a very positive person and I'm trying to get back to the old me. But it's hard...
I had a bad day on Saturday. Without going into a lot of details, my morning started out with a reminder of the D&C that I had last Wednesday. It was all too much for me, so I got in my car, went for a drive, and called my mom...while I cried my eyes out. I was already on edge and dreading a party that David and I were to attend that night, so the reminder of our loss was just too much for me to handle. Don't get me wrong, we LOVE our friends and look forward to our monthly get togethers, but I knew the conversation that night would be revolved around an upcoming baby shower that we are planning for one of the girls. I just knew that I couldn't handle one more reminder of what we didn't have. I felt 100% better after talking (crying) with my mom, so I went back home, and started to get dressed for the party.
We actually had a great time at the party. We enjoyed the beach, ate fabulous food, watched football, and played games till after midnight. On our way home I kept thinking to myself...I did it! I made it through the night and it wasn't as bad as I had anticipated.
Monday rolled around and I struggled with getting dressed and felt as if I just couldn't go to work. But, I have already missed FOUR days in the past two weeks and I just can't miss any more days. So I pulled myself together, got dressed, and drove to work.
Each morning before I walk into the building, I pull out my prayer book and pick a verse for the day. That morning I landed on "I will bless the Lord at all times. His praise shall continuously be in my mouth." Psalm 34:1. This verse is one that I prayed over and over again throughout our IVF cycle. No matter the outcome, I would praise His name. And I meant it.
I walked into the building and after greeting a few people, I had a clerk stop by my office and ask if I was pregnant. I politely told her no, I wasn't pregnant, but hopefully I would be soon. She doesn't know anything that we've gone through, I think she just noticed that I've put on about 10 pounds from all the fertility meds and hormones. But little did she know, her simple comment brought me back to those feelings of pain, loss, and frustration. That afternoon, during cafeteria duty, one of our custodians asked me the same thing...was I pregnant. Again, I just smiled, told her no, and started to walk away. She caught back up with me and said "Ms. Knight, I am praying for you. You are going to be the BEST mom."
The school day had finally come to an end and after trying to catch up on all the things I had let slide due to my absences, I realized it was late and I was practically the last person in the building. Just as I was packing up to go home, one of the teachers stopped by my office. I didn't know at the time, but she had read my blog and discovered what we had been going through. She offered me two CD's that she made and thought that I might need them. The title on one of the CD's read I will praise Him in the storm. I could hardly wait to get in my car to listen to them.
Those CD's were EXACTLY what I needed. I have listened to them over and over and over again. A lot of the songs were ones I already knew and loved, but I found a new song that I felt was made for me and is helping me get through this storm I'm in right now.
We actually had a great time at the party. We enjoyed the beach, ate fabulous food, watched football, and played games till after midnight. On our way home I kept thinking to myself...I did it! I made it through the night and it wasn't as bad as I had anticipated.
Monday rolled around and I struggled with getting dressed and felt as if I just couldn't go to work. But, I have already missed FOUR days in the past two weeks and I just can't miss any more days. So I pulled myself together, got dressed, and drove to work.
Each morning before I walk into the building, I pull out my prayer book and pick a verse for the day. That morning I landed on "I will bless the Lord at all times. His praise shall continuously be in my mouth." Psalm 34:1. This verse is one that I prayed over and over again throughout our IVF cycle. No matter the outcome, I would praise His name. And I meant it.
I walked into the building and after greeting a few people, I had a clerk stop by my office and ask if I was pregnant. I politely told her no, I wasn't pregnant, but hopefully I would be soon. She doesn't know anything that we've gone through, I think she just noticed that I've put on about 10 pounds from all the fertility meds and hormones. But little did she know, her simple comment brought me back to those feelings of pain, loss, and frustration. That afternoon, during cafeteria duty, one of our custodians asked me the same thing...was I pregnant. Again, I just smiled, told her no, and started to walk away. She caught back up with me and said "Ms. Knight, I am praying for you. You are going to be the BEST mom."
The school day had finally come to an end and after trying to catch up on all the things I had let slide due to my absences, I realized it was late and I was practically the last person in the building. Just as I was packing up to go home, one of the teachers stopped by my office. I didn't know at the time, but she had read my blog and discovered what we had been going through. She offered me two CD's that she made and thought that I might need them. The title on one of the CD's read I will praise Him in the storm. I could hardly wait to get in my car to listen to them.
Those CD's were EXACTLY what I needed. I have listened to them over and over and over again. A lot of the songs were ones I already knew and loved, but I found a new song that I felt was made for me and is helping me get through this storm I'm in right now.
"You were faithful before, You'll be faithful again" are the words that seem to make me cry every single time I hear them. I truly believe this...He helped us get pregnant before and He'll do it again. So let the waters rise...I can weather this storm.
7 comments:
praying for you during this time! If you need someone to talk to please let me know.
Love Melissa
Really, a perfect song for the days and weeks following a loss of this kind. "You were faithful before, You'll be faithful again" that perfectly sums up my feelings in the last few weeks. I'm thinking of you and praying for continued healing.
I believe He will.
Bless you, my friend.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I recently lost a little girl, but through a failed adoption. Thanks for sharing this song. It really touched my heart.
You are an amazing woman Lianna!!! Love you, friend!!!
I just found you blog. I have so much encouragement for you. My husband and I have been married 10 years. We started trying to have a baby after just a year of marriage. I got pregnant right away, great pregnancy, but hard Post Depression. Anyway, when our daughter was three, we started trying again. I got pregnant very quickly but at 9 weeks started spotting. By 12 weeks I had to go in for a D&C. My heart was broken and I felt so empty. We had no problems before. Little did I know that in the next year and half, we would suffer 2 more miscarriages. So, after three, i was done. I was tired, mad, sad, and confused. My husband was a youth pastor and went to Africa to preach in jails. While there he was speaking with the Offical that ran half of those jails. He was a Christian and told Josh him and his wife had been through the same thing. He told him if we would cry out to the Lord, He would give us a son and we would name him Samuel, which means, The Lord has heard your prayer. Well, Josh prayed for my heart to be ready again and I said one more time. We got pregnant and 5 months later, found out it was a boy. SAMUEL is now 2 and brings such joy to our home. Jesus walked with us through it all and He is walking with you!!!! He loves you and sees and feels your pain. I just wanted you to know that!!!! You can follow my blog about our life now. I hope this helped.
Still praying for you and David everyday. My home group prayed for you two tonight. When you are on the other side of this storm looking back, what an awesome testimony you will have!
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