Monday, November 2, 2009

When Lord, when?

I am on an emotional rollercoaster and just can't seem to get off of the ride!!!


I re-read a post by my friend Amy from Chapters and it truly spoke about exactly how I am feeling lately.


This infertility journey has been WAY more than I ever thought it could be or would be. There has NEVER been a time in my life where I haven't succeeded. I can remember all the successes in my life...from becoming a cheerleader in 8th grade, to being awarded the highest ranking officer on my dance team my senior year, to obtaining my Masters Degree and landing as an assistant principal at an AWESOME school, to finding the love of my life and getting married. But the SINGLE most thing that I want the MOST is absolutely out of my control. I can't take gymnastics, enroll in more dance classes, study, apply for a job, or go out on a date...none of which will help me have a baby...there is nothing I can do to obtain the ONE success that is just within my reach.


I see women getting pregnant all around me and just wonder "When will it be our turn?". "When will the Lord give us a baby?"


I am SO happy for all the people I know that have been blessed with children or are pregnant right now. I know it sounds silly because most people would think that I am jealous or resentful that I am not pregnant. But I don't feel that way at all. I know how precious a baby is and when I see someone that I care for FINALLY receive that wonderful news, it just gives me the hope that it CAN happen for us.


But, no matter what I do or how I feel, I am still left with the same question...."When Lord, when?"

17 comments:

Lisa said...

I agree Lianna! I just found out my best friend is pregnant with her 3rd (which was NOT planned).

I feel bad that she was worried to call me and to tell me her GREAT news, but I am sad for our situation too.

Praying for you sister!

Lisa :)

Kristy said...

This just hurts my heart so much for you when I read it. I want sooooo badly for you, Amy, my wonderful friend Susan, and so many others to have babies. I pray for you every, single day sweet friend!! You WILL have a baby one day, and you will be the BEST mama! ((love ya!))

Amanda Mae said...

My husband said "keep smilin"! Everything's going to work out...as you always say, not in our time, but in God's time! I continue to pray that you'll get that one true thing that you want in life..to be a mother...and a great one at that :o)

Stuart and Sarah Creamer said...

Praying for you! I know how you feel and I am praying that it is the right time for the both of us!!

Tillie said...

i can completely understand. We have been trying for over a year and it seems like EVERYONE keeps getting pregnant! I'm super happy for them too, but at the same time completely sad/devistated/hurt because it hasn't happened for me yet. It is hard keeping the faith...I know God will bless us when he's ready too, but it's still super hard. Good luck to you guys...I know it will happen for y'all one day.

Lori said...

I will be thinking and praying for you. You have said it so well in your post. I am always on edge when I am around couples who I think will announce there pregnancy. It sounds horrible but I always feel that it is everyone else but us. Yes, I am happy for them, it just brings to light what we don't have, and what we want so much. I hope so much that you will get your blessing very soon.

Anonymous said...

I really hope and pray that you are blessed with a child of your own one day! It WILL happen! Stay positive.

jnbjourney said...

I COMPLETELY understand! I have cut down on so much adoption/fertility talk on my blog lately due to the fact of people getting offended by what I wrote. They just don't get it - I TRULY AM over-joyed for them, but SO sad for myself!

I don't comment often, but I read every post. I pray for ya'll and the babies that God has picked out to complete your family. I was blessed with a friend about 2 years ago that has struggled with fertility for 7 years (at the time). Her and her husband are now awaiting the arrival of twins in February.

I just want to provide some encouragement. You are NOT alone, even though it feels like it so much at times. Also, as you know, God is able, He is faithful, and His time is perfect! Much love and prayers are going out for you!

Amanda said...

I am praying so hard for you. You put in words exactly what I can't explain to my husband how I feel. It's so hard when you've always succeeded. I'm right there with you!

Andrea said...

I read your blog but barely comment....but tonight I just felt the need to give you some encouragement.

I was in your shoes not to long ago. Hopeless, frustrated and angry. I was so mad at God for giving everyone else around me the one thing I wanted...and so easily. It hurt to see my friends try once and bam...pregnant :(

My husband and I decided to put off TTC until December or January..we needed the break. I was at the point where I just felt like it was NEVER going to happen. The first month we stopped trying, I noticed some weird spotting...and 5 days later, I got my two lines. Talk about hysterical crying.

My point is....you NEVER know when God is going to surprise you. You may be closer than you think.

During one of my darkest moments, I came across a Psalm that spoke volumes to me. "Many are the afflictions of the righteous; But the Lord delivers him out of them all" - Psalm 34:19 He delivers us out of ALL of our trials. Every day...you are getting closer to the end of this trial :) God promises it so it MUST be true :)

Praying for you sister.

N and M said...

Oh my dear....

I ache for you. Know that He hears you. He has plans for you. In HIS time.

Your child will find you. Be ready and open...

Alyson said...

I agree with every single word you said...praying for you guys every day!

Grace said...

I hear your frustration and wish there was something I could do for it to be gone. I'm glad that you have your blog to share your feelings, love and frustration. You will make a great mom... the waiting is hard, I know... praying for the Lord to comfort you in this period.

Darla DiStefano said...

I got pregnant 3 times as my brother and sister in law struggled with infertility. I tried to wait as long as I could to tell everyone I was pregnant to try to ease the pain I knew it would cause them. Every Sunday in church I would pray for them to be blessed with a child and it did eventually happen. I know how hard it is and I know how much you want it to happen and I will be praying for you too! I know that it will happen...I just know it! Let go and Let God! He will answer your prayers!

Lisa said...

Lianna,

I've been a lurker (from Kelly's blog) for quite some time. With each post you make, I catch myself saying, "I feel the very same way, Lianna." That's why I finally decided to de-lurk. This post spoke to my heart so deeply. Especially since now my marriage is being affected and my husband has chosen to put that first and strengthen it before getting back on the rollercoaster. Talk about scared! I turn 40 in February and now I'm feeling fear like never before -- fear of possibly never having that chance since I'm approaching "that age," and fear that my marriage is hurting. You see, when all of our friends were getting married and pregnant, we chose to put our marriage first and enjoy one another and build a solid foundation to raise a little one knowing the best give we could give our child is a mommy and daddy who love another solidly and puts God first in everything. Now, ironically, our marriage is suffering and baby is put on hold. And it's such a critical time for me age-wise, I'm simply terrified. Everything took a turn when we lost our first pregnancy last summer, and it seems like I've been crying for 14 months straight. If not for our baby, our marriage. Trusting in God's plan for you and I, Lianna!

Much Christian Love from Louisville, KY.

Kendra said...

Oh Lianna...I am praying so hard that your time is soon. I am asking the Lord to let it be now.

I know exactly what you are talking about. Infertility made me feel SO inadequate. That was honestly one of the hardest parts! Feeling inadequate as a woman, as a wife, and as just a person in general.

I am praying God shows you what HE sees in you...=)

Giggles said...

I came across your blog this evening and haven't been able to read any posts but your most recent one. I understand how you feel as I feel the same way. If I just had a glimpse of what the future holds for us. We have been trying for about 9 years and in that time have had two miscarriages and a stillbirth. I wish I had magic words to help you but all I can say is I understand, know that you are not alone.