Monday, May 31, 2010


I woke up this morning already in a bad place...frustrated with my job, irritated with my husband, and upset that we still aren't parents. Just being HONEST!

I didn't know what else to do, but pull out my Bible and pray for peace and guidance.

I randomly opened my Bible and landed smack dab in the middle of Esther. Oh, how I love her.

At the beginning of each chapter, my Bible gives a brief outline and background of each key person. I came across this paragraph in Esther's description...

"How much of your secuirty lies in your possessions, position, or reputation? God has not placed you in your present position for your own benefit. He put you there to serve Him. As in Esther's case, this may involve risking your security. Are you willing to let God be your ultimate security?"

I have to admit that I have not turned my security over to Him. I keep asking myself these same three questions over and over: What did I do wrong to not get that promotion? What's wrong with my body and why can't I get pregnant? How can we afford adoption or our next fertility treatment?

God has not placed me in my present position for my own benefit. He put me here to serve Him.

It is not up to ME!

I feel as if the devil is doing everything he possibly can to bring me down...with my job, with my marriage, with my dreams...but he will NOT succeed.

My security lies with God.

AM willing to let God be my ultimate security.


Melissa said...

I love Esther too!! I've done two different Bible studies through her at two very different times in my life at two very different congregations.

I find it very reassuring to know that the complexities of God's plans outwit my own foolish desire and that I can rely on Him for everything and trust Him for it being enough and know that when I don't understand He is enough.

Have you read Francine River's Mark of the Lion series? Her books are steeped in scripture and always seem to resonate with whatever I am learning in God's word at the time...

Megan said...

I, too, have been in a bit of a funky mood. I'm with you in not fulling giving myself to Jesus and I need to as well. Thank you for sharing this today!! Major (((HUGS)))

Heather said...

Praying for you today...He is so worthy of our trust and faith.

Stuart and Sarah Creamer said...

Amen! I know how hard this struggle it. Everything is is is is just HARD!!! Know you have prayer warriors praying on your behalf! Love you!

Miss Anne said...

Allowing God's security into our lives isn't always easy. I commend you on your honesty, your real feelings, and for turning to Esther for strength.

Thank you for sharing this with us.

I think/pray of/for you often.


Lori said...

It IS hard. Willing as I am and want to be....there's SUCH a hold on our false senses of security!!

It's hard.

Thinking of and praying for you!

Traci said...

I feel like since I haven't been able to have a baby, the more "stuff" I have the better. I've come to realize that it's not about the stuff, it's really about what I don't have & that's a baby. Not pleasant thoughts but real ones. It's a daily battle to realize God is in charge & he has a bigger plan for me. Thanks for always being honest in your blog. It's nice to know others with the same thoughts.

Sandra (Sarah Creamer's Mom) said...

You can bet the enemy is doing all he can to rob you of your joy and remind you of all the things you're not. That's what he does best...hits us where it hurts and kicks us when we're down!

You have so many prayer warriors going to battle for you right now! We are binding the enemy and praying for God's mighty power to kick some devil booty!!

Easy to say, but hard to do - stay focused on Exodus 14:14 and look at your "reminder" that God has everything under control.

You are precious to me and I hurt with you, just as I hurt with Sarah when she was where you are.

You WILL BE a wonderful mother to a precious baby ordained just for you...God is able! We will never understand (on this side) why God allows these struggles and sometimes seems to be invisible when we cry out to Him. But one thing I do know, He loves you more than you can imagine and He knows your heart's desires. His plan will be greater than anything you or I could possibly fathom! Trusting Him and waiting for it is the hardest part!

Having faith in His PROMISES,


Anonymous said...

Lianna--Sending you love and prayers. During my years of trying to conceive, I know Jesus was the only thing that got me out of bed each day. I had some seriously dark days during those three years. Hold onto hope. He will carry.


monelle said...

I so needed to read this today! Thanks for always being open and honest. You are such an inspiration.