Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Pity Party...

I have been having a rough few weeks. I stepped away from blogging for a while because I couldn't take reading about how so many others have been blessed with babies, yet we are still waiting. I know it sounds selfish and in all honesty, it is.

I think I hit rock bottom after I decided to scroll through my favorite blogs to catch up on their lives. I realized that out of ALL the ladies that I had connected with through infertility, only two of them are still waiting. What a HUGE blessing for so many women that had been praying for YEARS for their babies! But instead of being over the top happy for all these girls I kept thinking, when will it be my turn?

Unfortunately, another stressor that is ALWAYS knocking on my door is that David and I will turn 39 and 40 this summer. The closer we get to 40 the more anxiety I feel about ever becoming a mother. The trials, tests, procedures, doctors, shots, highs and lows are really starting to weigh on our hearts and minds as we continue to be patient and wait on the Lord.

I'm just so ready for it to by my turn.

Okay...my pity party is over :)

14 comments:

Mimi said...

Hi Lianna....I have read your blog for a while. I myself went through 5 years of infertility before my current "miracle" pregnancy. I totally understand where you are coming from on so many levels, the struggle to be happy for others, the creeping age, I am 37....BUT I will share with you something my Dr. shared with me...age is just a number- the ages of conception are a lot older than they used to be. Don't let that discourage you! I will continue to pray for you in this diffficult journey.

Mimi said...

Hi Lianna....I have read your blog for a while. I myself went through 5 years of infertility before my current "miracle" pregnancy. I totally understand where you are coming from on so many levels, the struggle to be happy for others, the creeping age, I am 37....BUT I will share with you something my Dr. shared with me...age is just a number- the ages of conception are a lot older than they used to be. Don't let that discourage you! I will continue to pray for you in this diffficult journey.

Laura Ann said...

Lifting you up in prayer always Lianna.

Rashida said...

God is faithful to his word that he will give you the desires of your heart! Keeping you in my prayers. God bless:)

Alyson said...

You are definitely allowed a pity party whenever you need it! And everyone understands! Praying for you every single day, my friend, that it will be your turn NEXT!! Wish I could give you a hug right now!

Ashley said...

Praying that it's your turn soon!! Keep trusting God!

Life Happens said...

You have every right to have your own pity party. I'm so sorry it's so hard. I understand completely. It's not easy to see everyone else with their babies, but know that the Lord knows everyone's situation, including yours, and He will bless you in His time. (I know that's hard to hear, but I will keep praying for you guys).

Lori said...

May I share this? I don't want to insult you because Lord knows I know what people giving me 'encouragement' and 'support' for the 10+ years we were childless certainly seemed empty when I felt like it was "EASY" for them to share since they HAD a child to raise and I didn't....

And I do not want to do that to you in the least. I know that pain. All, all, all too well. In fact, when we finally turned to IVF, though the first was successful, Matthew died the day after he was born. Luke came a year later, and I cannot explain the balm he is.

My encouragement, if you will, is support for the age part. I turned 39 a month after we found out that my 3rd cycle we did in January was a success!!!! It was crazy...my REs said that my fertility just got better with age and they were so amazed (so was I!)...in any event, I share this because I also was terrified that my age was going to just end up disappointing us and there would go even more money that we were so barely scraping together anyway...much less more of our heart. But age is not the end-all, be-all...and can be conquered!

I should share this, to be fair...we went in for our 12 week ultrasound yesterday and learned the baby's heartbeat had stopped beating a few days ago. Today I had to do the D&C. It is heartbreaking to have more babies in Heaven than in my arms, and I don't feel you are giving yourself a pity party for one minute. PAIN HURTS. Grief HURTS. Infertility is LOSS and it HURTS. God gives us emotions that are made in His image and do not forget for one second that our Lord wept. He wept for loss and for grief. And He holds our tears in His hands.

I've been following for several years now...and praying for you diligently that your turn would come. Will not stop this prayer.

Jenna said...

I am praying for you always my sweet friend!

Britney said...

i can understand and relate to your agony. i really, really do. no matter how long you are in the waiting period, it always seems way way too long.

sarah @ life {sweet} life said...

Just wanted you to know 2 things:
1. A pity party is okay!! Everything's not okay, so you certainly don't have to act like it is. Take some time to mourn and hurt, then re-focus your eyes on the Lord. I know He has a wonderful plan for you!!
2. You are ALWAYS in my prayers friend!!

Lacy said...

Lianna, it's okay to have a pity party, friend! I pray that what I'm about to say will be comforting...

When I read you words that "only two" of your infertility blog ladies are still waiting, God put it on my heart to comment. It struck me because you were part of my original circle of infertile friends, when we were going through our journey and you are one of the TWO SPECIAL ladies that I still get the pleasure to pray for every night. This may sound strange, but I can't help but feel like because my prayers (and I KNOW the prayers of others too!) are now being CONCENTRATED on the two of you instead of being "spread thin" on so many, that they will be heard!! I don't know why God has made your path longer, but I just have to keep trusting and believing that in whatever way is supposed to happen, that YOU TOO will also have your happy ending. Hang in there girl, and I continue to pray it will be your turn SOON! Hugs!

BOWquet said...

I think you are totally allowed a pity party. You're only human.
Praying for you!!!

God has a great plan for you and your family!

rngayle said...

I hope this will encouraged you but I went through 5 years of fertility treatment and finally I cried to the Lord and let him be the planner of my life.I release all my stress and I told myself not to think about it anymore.My husband and I went to a relaxing cruise and months later I was pregnant with now my 5 year old + an added bonus never expected that I will be blessed again with a beautiful girl who is now turning 2May God Bless You in Your Journey.