Monday, October 4, 2010

Believing...

I have always had a vivid imagination.

As I child, I even had a make-believe friend...his name was Jeffery. I don't remember much about this make-believe friend, but my parents had a personalized book created for me and had Jeffery listed as one of my friends in the book.

As a teenager, I imagined how cool it would be when I got my first car. I can still remember the day I got home, opened the garage, and saw my very first car just waiting for me to get behind the wheel.

As a young adult, I dreamed of a fairy tale wedding. I envisioned the dress, the flowers, the cake, my groom...every thing would be picture perfect. To this day, my wedding day was one of the BEST days of my life.

Now that I am older, I imagine my life as a  mother. What seems different about this dream is that I have a hard time really seeing a picture of what our lives will be like with a baby...how it will feel,  what our baby will look like, the smell of our baby's skin, the feel of his/her little feet.

Sometimes it scares me that I can't see this image...

But in my heart I know that "we live by faith, not by sight."~2 Corinthians 5:7  And that is what keeps me believing...

9 comments:

texas girl said...

i have read your blog for a while and really love how honest and open you have been with your struggle through this hardship its so inspiring to me, while I havent struggled through infertility I really sympathize and my heart breaks for people who have and while i dont know if this helps I have a one month old daughter and before she was actuley born even while I was in labor I couldnt imagine what it would be like for her to be here i dont think not being able to vizuslize it means it wont happe11n for you because i think it will

Rob said...

The reason you cannot "see" it is that there is nothing like it in this world. Imaginary friends are pretend versions of what you know. Your first car is your own version of something your parents probably had your entire life. No doubt that you attended weddings of family members as you were dreaming of your own fairy tale version. Having your own child, though, is too personal of an event to relate it to anything else. Your time will come.

Lauren said...

Lianna, no matter what just keep praying believing and do NOT give up hope!!!!

Lori said...

Lianna I pray for you so often. Infertility is so unfair. Now that we have overcame IF, it seems still so unfair. I see all of my dear friends still struggling and it breaks my heart. My prayer is for you to experience the image of your baby!!!

Amanda said...

Please don't be scared that you can't imagine life with a baby.

Anonymous said...

My husband and I tried for 5 years before becoming pregnant. We did not do any testing to see if there was a problem and who it was with. We literally tried for 5 years with no results and we desperately wanted babies. It was very disheartening and I became bitter and disappointed every month. I was 23 when I became pregnant - married at 18.

I know this may seem like a strange way (to some) to get pregnant but this is what we did (I am not saying this is the answer for you, but I want to give you hope)...We decided to take God at His word and see what happened. We stopped the internet/movies, etc for one week. We spent that time focusing on our relationship, focusing on God. My husband then fasted for 5 days. I started taking prenatal vitamins just because I believed this was the month. I cut out caffeine (don't do this cold turkey if you drink a lot of caffeine! headaches!). I started to eat healthier. I had in my mind that I was going to get pregnant.

At the end of the month I was late. Hmmm. Always been a regular kind of girl. Next month, nothing. I didn't want to take a pregnancy test because while I believed I was pregnant, I still had my own fears and doubts based on past experiences. Another month passed. I was just more tired than usual so I still decided to "wait and see". Around the 4th month I started to show. I also started to feel movements inside. I thought I had just faked my body into being pregnant! :) All that to say that I was, in fact pregnant with what turned out to be an amazing baby boy. Perfectly healthy in every way and about to celebrate his first birthday. You can bet that we do give God all the credit. You can also bet we did everything we shouldn't do with that baby - he slept in our bed the first 8 months, he was nursed on demand (still doing that! but down to 4-6 times a day at least), etc.

I believe that good things will happen for you and your husband- not sure how or when but God ALWAYS wants the best for us. I had to deal with the waiting just like you. I know what you are going through and I know how hard it is. Hang in there and know we are praying for you in Wyoming!

Anonymous said...

Girl, even when I was pregnant I couldn't imagine how my life was going to be with a baby, what it would look like, or any of the other things you listed. I tell you that so, you know not being able to imagine life with a baby, is a normal thing- it is no idication of what's to come in your life. These are lies satan is feeding you to just have one more way he to stress you out and turn your focus off God in this difficult time. I'm believing and trusting in this for you. You are a strong woman. May God be the glory!

Tracy Waring said...

Lianna, God has your life all mapped out in His hands. I can't wait for the day you are able to look back and see His leading. I dream and struggle just as you. I have adopted three very sweet babies and it wasn't until I was holding them that I learned their smell, their feel, their look and touch...and it is something that as their mother, I will never forget. I still long for the babies yet to come and for our family to be finished. We've waited so long to look into their eyes and know truly know them.

I believe the Lord puts this desire into our hearts and He will one day bring it to pass. Trusting His timing seems to be the hardest part. Praying that you are holding your sweet little one soon.

Here is our journey,
http://waringadoptionjourney.blogspot.com/

TheSovietChairman said...

I love the support that flows into this site :).

I can't wait to be a dad :).