Growing Our Own Garden

Update...

2012-01-22T10:20:00.000-05:00

It has been since BEFORE Christmas that I've posted on this blog. But I did want to give an update and let all my readers know where we are and what our next steps will be.

David and I went in last week for a follow up consult with our doctor. We were pleased to discover that he wanted to run more tests on us before we try again. I can't say enough good things about our doctor...not only does he have good bedside manner but he understands our pain, frustration, and hope...mainly because he and his wife have been in our shoes. So that always helps :)

Our doctor recommended that I have some blood drawn so he could run some tests. And he wasn't kidding about the number of tests he plans to run. I went to get my blood drawn and the nurse literally told me that I was having a half of a pint of blood drawn. My doctor ordered FOURTEEN tests to be run, so I had a lot of blood they needed to draw.

For the life of me, I can't find the list of tests that he is running, but when we go back to get the results, I will get the list and share with all of you. I just think it's important for anyone else going through this journey with us, to keep informed of all the tests out there that can be done. Some of the test are chromosomal tests and I know he is also going to check to see if I have a blood clotting disorder. But, like I said, I will share the list of tests once we have our next visit.

It is strange that I am HOPING we discover that I have one of these disorders...I guess to give me peace of mind that at least we know WHY we are finally able to get pregnant but unable to carry the baby to term.

Keep us in your prayers...we haven't given up, and we won't give up until we have our precious baby in our arms :)

Heavenly Prize...

2011-12-22T05:00:00.020-05:00

The day after we received the news that our pregnancy would not be moving foward, I received this devotional/verse:

"No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking foward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God is calling us." Phillipians 3:13-14

My heart may be broken right now because my plan didn't come to fruition...but I must realize that it isn't MY plan. I have grown stronger, more sensitive to others, grateful for my blessings, and thankful for my family and friends because of this journey.

We will receive our heavenly prize...it's only a matter of time!

Almost a Christmas Miracle....

2011-12-20T08:21:00.001-05:00

David and I had our frozen embryo transfer right after the Thanksgiving holiday. We were able to freeze two blastocysts from our previous cycle and since we had a positive pregnancy test during that cycle, we were hopeful that this time we would get our miracle...a Christmas Miracle.

The day of my pregnancy test, we decided to take a home pregnancy test. Actually we took one the night before (we have NO patience), but unfortunately, the test came back negative. We were devastated and really just couldn't believe we were getting a "no" again.

Although I didn't really want to, I went in and had my blood drawn anyway. I went to work and did everything and anything I could to pass the time. I left work early that day because I just couldn't take the phone call from the nurse telling me that we were not pregnant at school.

At around 2:30, the nurse called to let me know that my blood results came in and I tested POSITIVE for pregnancy. I couldn't believe my ears...we had received our Christmas Miracle after all!!

We discovered that my BETA levels were extremely low, which is why the home pregnancy test wasn't positive. The nurse stated that if my hormone levels continued to increase, we would chalk it up to late implantation. David and I bought a TON of pregnancy tests and even tested that same evening. We received a faint positive...put positive nonetheless.

We continued to test for the next four days...each day, the test was positive and each day the pregnancy line became darker and darker. Our prayers had finally been answered!

I went in four days later to have my blood drawn again. We were hoping that my BETA would be at least 100. We were blessed beyone measure when the nurse called with a 125 BETA. Praise the Lord!! All seemed well with the world...our hopes to celebrate Christmas this year with our own miracle baby was coming true.

After a little Christmas shopping this past Friday evening, I came home and realized that I was spotting. My nurse had already warned me that many women spot during pregnancy and some even bleed throughout their first trimester. I was scared, but hopeful that this was normal. I woke up on Saturday morning to more spotting. I ran a few errands, got my hair cut, and then came home. I immediately went to the restroom and discovered that my spotting had turned into bleeding. David called the on-call nurse and explained our situation. We were reassured that this could still me normal, but we would go in on Monday for another blood test. If my BETA numbers had continued to increase, we would have an ultrasound to confirm that everything was going as planned.

I went in yesterday for my blood test...it was the LONGEST day EVER!!! I finally received a call from the nurse that evening letting me know that although my BETA had increased, it was no where near what it should be for a week's time to have passed. My BETA should have been over a 1000 and was only 328. My heart was broken and our Christmas Miracle turned into an "almost" Christmas Miracle.

I woke up this morning with more bleeding and more cramping. I put in a call to my doctor's office to keep them informed. They are wanting to see me to rule out a tubal pregnancy.

Why? Why is this happening?

I am an emotional rollercoaster...dipping and diving, turning upside down, and I feel as if as soon as I get as high as I can, I come crashing down.

"Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.'" Psalm 91:1-2

Verses for the Holidays...

2011-12-18T07:50:00.000-05:00

As we approach the Christmas Holiday, I find that I am leaning more and more on these verses...

"Let us hope unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

"The Lord's hand is not shortened, that it cannot save, nor His ear heavy, that it cannot hear." Isaiah 59:1

"I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continuously be in my mouth." Psalm 34

These are what I call my go-to verses. I have committed them to memory and call on them quite often. Of course as Christmas gets closer and closer, this wait seems harder and harder.

I have seen God peform miracles lately...things that I never imagined in my wildest dreams could happen. I am continuing to pray that He hears my cries and will answer them sooner than later.

This morning, as I was praying, I received this verse...

"Don't be afraid! I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all the people." Luke 2:10

Regardless of my situation, I know that He is the reason for the season, and He will bring great joy to all His people.

Praying for SO many of you still waiting to be blessed with child.

Although and You Shall...

2011-11-23T08:50:00.001-05:00

It has been SO long since I made a post on this blog. Life has just been busy and I realized how hard it is to keep up with TWO blogs. But I read the most AMAZING devotional this morning and really felt as if those of you reading this blog really needed to hear about it as much as I did.

The devotional was centered around the verse Judges 13:3, "And the angel of the Lord appeared to the woman and said 'Although you are barren, having born no children, you shall conceive and bear a son.'"

I nearly fell out of my chair when I read this verse...mainly because I feel as if we are at a standstill. For the matter, I feel as if we have been in this stage for a LONG time. I imagine myself like one of those cartoon characters that is running as fast it can, legs moving a hundred miles an hour, but not really even moving yet. I feel as if I am standing still and time is just passing me by. My goodness, we have been trying to become parents for six years now...SIX YEARS!

I want to be like Sarah, Hannah, or Elizabeth. God changed their lives dramatically when He blessed them with children. I am sure at one point they felt just like I do...that they were never going to be a mom, that they would be barren forever. But as I read this verse today, the three words that really stood out to me were ALTHOUGH and YOU SHALL. "Although you are barren, having born no children, you shall conceive and bear a son." God changed their situation and gave them the desires of their hearts.

These three words could change the world...Although the economy is really struggling, and people are trying to survive, you shall maintain and job and prosper. Although you are single, having longed for a spouse, you shall find the perfect partner and live happily ever after. Although you were diagnosed with cancer, and the prognosis is serious, you shall overcome the illness and survive.

I can think of a million scenarios where although and you shall could turn a dim situation into one of the brightest moments in life. So although at times I feel as if I will never be a mom, after countless procedures, surgeries, and medications, I shall prevail and see my dreams come to pass.

Praying this same prayer for so many of you still waiting to be moms.

I Turn to You...

2011-11-03T05:58:00.000-04:00

I know it is has been FOREVER since I've posted on this blog. With the holidays approaching...Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas, I always find myself super busy. I did want to update everyone that we are getting ready to start our Frozen Embryo Transfer. I would appreciate prayers during this time...not only is an IVF cycle emotional already, but during the holidays, it could be VERY emotional.

I also wanted to share a song that I've been LOVING lately. The lyrics just seem to get me through these times...afterall, all I can do is Turn to Him.

One Day...

2011-10-13T05:52:00.001-04:00

David shared this video with me yesterday and I can TOTALLY foresee this in our future with Kodi...

I LOVE my husky and I can't wait to see him interacting with our baby one day :)

The Detour...

2011-09-29T19:27:00.000-04:00

I had a crazy day today and just wanted to use this blog to vent some of my frustrations. I think if I get it off my chest, I'll feel a TON better :)

I have feel as if I am driving mycar in a deserted town withOUT my GPS and everytime I turn around, I am running into a road block or a detour and some how I just can't make it to my destination.

My day started out with me not feeling well. I'm going on day three of the flu...I stayed home from school yesterday, but because my calendar is jammed pack, I bit the bullet and went in to work. I took a lot of medication, put my big girl pants on, and headed to school.

I mentor several kids and this entire week has left me feeling like I'm not doing such a good job. All the kids I am mentoring are still doing poorly in their classes and nothing I do seems to help. I feel like an epic failure right about now. BUT...we are only in the 5th week of a new school year, so I'm going to keep trying, keep meeting with my students, keep calling parents and doing whatever I can to help these kiddos.

At around noon today, I discovered that I did NOT get the $1500 bonus I was expecting. Our district gives out Merit Bonuses each year to teachers, assistant principals and principals. The teachers' bonus is based on those teachers that show a tremendous amount of student learning gains from a subject area test they take at the beginning of the year compared to the same test they take at the end of the year. Assistant Principal bonuses are based on our state mandated test learning gains in reading and math. The district takes the top 25% of Assistant Principals with the most gains, and they get the bonus. I was in such shock that I didn't receive it...by the way, I had planned to use the money to pay for our frozen embryo transfer...so I had my principal call downtown to make sure it wasn't a mistake. She did and found out that if they would have allowed one more school to receive the bonus, it would have been OUR school. I'm not quite sure what is worse...knowing that I didn't get the bonus or finding out that I was next in line.

After these blows today, I just thought to myself..."what else could happen and WHY are all these negative things happening to me." We have spent almost six years trying to have a baby, we have spent nearly all our retirement for treatments, procedures, and surgeries, we finally get pregnant to lose the baby just six weeks after conceiving, I feel like a blimp...I think I weigh more than I ever have in my entire life, and unfortunately, I don't have any motivation to do anything about it. It seems as if all we do is wait and every answer we get is "no"...and WHY?

Then I get home and read my daily devotional...it was appropriately called "The Detour."

It was based around Exodus 13:17 when the Israelites had been living in bondage in Egypt and after hearing their cries, God sent Moses to save them. Instead of Moses leading them the shortest route to the Promised Land, God directed Moses to take them through the wilderness...the longer route. The devotional went on to say that God knows the best path for us to take and even though it may seem like what we desire isn't coming to pass, He is preparing us to receive the blessings he has instore for us. Maybe there is some wrong thinking in us and He needs to deliver us from those thoughts and show us that we must have faith...faith in Him. What God promises will come to fruition, so we must trust Him and know that the detour will ultimately work out for our good and to Him be the glory.

Okay...I feel better for getting all this off my chest. Blog-therapy really does work :)

So no matter where the road may lead me...over hills, rough terrain, or through a storm...I am still holding tightly to the verse that I have memorized and spoken over and over again..."I will bless the Lord at all times, His praise shall continuously be in my mouth." ~Psalm 34:1

No News is Good News...

2011-09-28T10:08:00.001-04:00

Just wanted to give everyone an update on what is going on with us on the baby-front. But actually we don't have any news...so I guess no news is good news, right?

We are continuing to take one step at a time, one day at a time, and trusting that our desire to become parents will happen soon.

We haven't made any progress on our nursery...we painted the beadboard three days before we found out that our baby was not going to make it to birth, so we never got around to finishing it. I'm thinking that we need to take a step of faith and start working on it again.

We put our adoption process on hold for now. We felt that since we will be trying IVF one more time, it wouldn't be fair to a birthmother if she chose us and then we got pregnant at the same time. So we've decided to at least wait until after our next cycle before contacting our agency to put us back on their list. Regardless, adoption is on my heart, so we'll eventually be putting our homestudy to use soon.

At this moment, we continuing to be confident that the Lord will bless us with a house full of children one day.

Sentimental Crib UPDATE!

2011-09-06T19:30:00.001-04:00

I posted about a month ago that my grandmother asked me if I would be interested in using the crib that my great-grandfather built for her for our baby. If you want to read about it, click the link HERE.

To be honest, I had forgotten all about the crib. I think I have been spending more of my time trying to move forward from the loss we experienced and getting my heart ready for our next try. I have been asking God to prepare me for this next cycle and although I know I will NEVER forget this experience, I want to stay focused on the present and eventually the future.

Well, He couldn't have answered me in a BIGGER way. I got a phone call from my parents that my grandmother had the crib refinished for me and she brought it over to my parent's house so they could deliver it to me on their next trip to Florida.

Here are a few pics that my mom sent me...

BEFORE

AFTER

Isn't it SO beautiful??? And the history behind how it was made just makes me SO HAPPY!!

We are planning on getting another crib for our actual nursery, but my plan is to put this crib in our bedroom for when the baby is still small. My great grandfather built this crib over 75 years ago, so I'm headed to go look up crib safety regulations right now. My grandmother did have the furniture company fix thesliding crib rail so it is no longer a drop-side crib. But I'm sure there are so many more safety regulations I need to check.

Just the thought of placing our baby in this crib makes my heart skip a beat :)

My Time is Coming...

2011-09-01T05:43:00.000-04:00

I'm always amazed at the perfect timing of my daily devotionals. Just like so many times before, this one came at the PERFECT time...

“For the vision is yet for an appointed time...though it tarry, wait for it.”(Habakkuk 2:3, KJV)

TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria

If you’ve been standing in faith for the promises of God, I want you to know today that your time is coming! The dreams and desires in your heart, the things you want to accomplish, the situations you want to see changed will happen. Don’t give up just because it has taken a long time, or just because you’ve tried and failed.

I encourage you today — get your fire back! Don’t be complacent about pursuing what God has placed in your heart. It may be taking a long time, but God is a faithful God. No matter how long it’s been, no matter how impossible it looks, if you’ll stay in faith, your time is coming. Every dream that’s in your heart, every promise that has taken root, God not only put it there, but He has every intention of bringing it to pass.

Declare today, “My time is coming...God is working behind the scenes on my behalf...I will fulfill my destiny...I will fulfill the plan God has for my life!” As you declare, expect, and wait for the appointed time, your faith will grow. Your hope will grow. And you’ll step into the destiny God has in store for you!

A PRAYER FOR TODAY

Father in Heaven, I receive Your truth today and hold on to Your promises. I ask that You ignite my heart with Your holy fire so that I can pursue Your perfect plan for my life. Make my thoughts and words agreeable to Your will as I meditate on Your Word. In Jesus’ name, amen.
— Joel & Victoria Osteen

Let the Waters Rise...

2011-08-30T20:47:00.000-04:00

I'm going to be honest...times are still hard for me right now. I've found myself these past few weeks FORCING one foot in front of the other. I'm generally a very positive person and I'm trying to get back to the old me. But it's hard...

I had a bad day on Saturday. Without going into a lot of details, my morning started out with a reminder of the D&C that I had last Wednesday. It was all too much for me, so I got in my car, went for a drive, and called my mom...while I cried my eyes out. I was already on edge and dreading a party that David and I were to attend that night, so the reminder of our loss was just too much for me to handle. Don't get me wrong, we LOVE our friends and look forward to our monthly get togethers, but I knew the conversation that night would be revolved around an upcoming baby shower that we are planning for one of the girls. I just knew that I couldn't handle one more reminder of what we didn't have. I felt 100% better after talking (crying) with my mom, so I went back home, and started to get dressed for the party.

We actually had a great time at the party. We enjoyed the beach, ate fabulous food, watched football, and played games till after midnight. On our way home I kept thinking to myself...I did it! I made it through the night and it wasn't as bad as I had anticipated.

Monday rolled around and I struggled with getting dressed and felt as if I just couldn't go to work. But, I have already missed FOUR days in the past two weeks and I just can't miss any more days. So I pulled myself together, got dressed, and drove to work.

Each morning before I walk into the building, I pull out my prayer book and pick a verse for the day. That morning I landed on "I will bless the Lord at all times. His praise shall continuously be in my mouth." Psalm 34:1. This verse is one that I prayed over and over again throughout our IVF cycle. No matter the outcome, I would praise His name. And I meant it.

I walked into the building and after greeting a few people, I had a clerk stop by my office and ask if I was pregnant. I politely told her no, I wasn't pregnant, but hopefully I would be soon. She doesn't know anything that we've gone through, I think she just noticed that I've put on about 10 pounds from all the fertility meds and hormones. But little did she know, her simple comment brought me back to those feelings of pain, loss, and frustration. That afternoon, during cafeteria duty, one of our custodians asked me the same thing...was I pregnant. Again, I just smiled, told her no, and started to walk away. She caught back up with me and said "Ms. Knight, I am praying for you. You are going to be the BEST mom."

The school day had finally come to an end and after trying to catch up on all the things I had let slide due to my absences, I realized it was late and I was practically the last person in the building. Just as I was packing up to go home, one of the teachers stopped by my office. I didn't know at the time, but she had read my blog and discovered what we had been going through. She offered me two CD's that she made and thought that I might need them. The title on one of the CD's read I will praise Him in the storm. I could hardly wait to get in my car to listen to them.

Those CD's were EXACTLY what I needed. I have listened to them over and over and over again. A lot of the songs were ones I already knew and loved, but I found a new song that I felt was made for me and is helping me get through this storm I'm in right now.

"You were faithful before, You'll be faithful again" are the words that seem to make me cry every single time I hear them. I truly believe this...He helped us get pregnant before and He'll do it again. So let the waters rise...I can weather this storm.

I am an Overcomer...

2011-08-25T17:00:00.005-04:00

My friend Amy (at Chapters) is in my opinion, a brilliant writer. I'm not quite sure she knows what an amazing talent God gave her...but I can get so lost in her words sometimes.

Amy wrote this post today and it couldn't have come at a better time. To be honest, I didn't read the entire post at first...my feelings were still raw from having the D&C yesterday and the realization that our pregnancy is really over. But God had other plans and WANTED me to read her post in its entirety.

You see, my husband reads her blog too. He actually emailed me today and told me that I really needed to read her post and the blog that she referred to in her post. So I bit the bullet, got some kleenex and started reading.

You'll need to read her post and the blog post she refers to in her blog yourself...but I wanted to share the paragraph that grabbed ahold of me today and made me realize WHY our pregnancy ended the way it did.

"I have to be strong. I have realized more and more that trials aren’t always to strengthen the person going through them, but more so to strengthen the people watching. Many times on the other side of the storm on the distant beach, there are people that will be in awe when they see you rowing out of the raging waters in your tiny canoe, with only Faith beside you. My storms are not for me. My storms are not my own. I am an overcomer." ~Baron Batch

I just sat at my laptop and cried my eyes out. I re-read the blog post again, especially this paragraph. I just wanted to hear those words again...My storms are not for me. My storms are not my own. I am an overcomer...I needed to hear those words. I believe those words.

I am an overcomer.

Closing a Chapter...

2011-08-24T06:13:00.001-04:00

Today is a day I never thought I would have to experience. I am going in this morning for a D & C.

David and I had another appointment with our doctor on Monday to confirm the growth of the baby and unfortunately, the doctor couldn't even see our baby this time. In a way, I was somewhat relieved...I have been having this terrible feeling/thought of having a D & C knowing that there was a baby inside of me. So when the doctor told us that the she could only see the gestational sac and no embryo, I had an instant peace about the procedure today.

Every day has been a "put one foot in front of the other" day, but we are making it...leaning on one another.

Please keep us in your prayers today as we close this chapter of our pregnancy and prepare our hearts, minds, and bodies for the next step in this journey.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."~Psalm 147:3

Overcome...

2011-08-19T11:06:00.001-04:00

Thanks to all of you for the sweet comments and prayers. David and I have needed them more than I can say.

I have spent the last two days at home, although I really should be at work keeping busy. But the other administrators at my school encouraged me to take these past two days, collect my thoughts, and spend time with David. So I will be back at work on Monday, for the first day of school.

I spoke with our doctor's office and have scheduled another ultrasound on Monday. If the baby has not shown growth and a heartbeat is still not there, we are going to proceed with a D & C. For some reason, just typing the letters D & C makes my heart hurt tremendously, but the thought of experiencing a miscarriage and reliving the hurt of losing our first baby is even worse. I am still hoping and praying that this baby will show some growth...I just can't help but want this so badly. So we will know more on Monday.

I can say that God has been blessing me over and over again these past two days with words of wisdom, hope, and showing me that I can overcome this.

My Rick Warren devotional said this yesterday...

“For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.” Lamentations 3:31-32

Things in your life were going so smoothly, and then the next minute it’s as if a storm hit your life, and now all your plans have been destroyed. What do you do?

This devotional referenced Lamentations 3 and encouraged me to read verses 22-26. They read:

22 The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease.

23 Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.

24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!”

25 The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him.

26 So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.

My Joel Osteen devotional said this today....

Don’t ever get stuck in the rut of thinking, “I’ll never change...that’s just the way I am.” No, the Bible says that the Spirit of God aids us in our weakness. He gives us strength to overcome. He empowers us to live as more than conquerors in this life.

Is there something you want to change in your life today? If you’ve received Jesus as your Lord and Savior, then start declaring, “I am a new creation in Christ! I am empowered to overcome! I am equipped to walk in the new, abundant life the Lord has in store for me!”

With His help...I will overcome!

It Was the Best of Times, It Was the Worst of Times...

2011-08-18T05:22:00.001-04:00

These past six weeks have been the BEST of my life and the WORST of my life.

This post is going to be a shock to most, but wanted to share our story with those of you still waiting for your miracle AND to ask for prayers as we move forward with our journey to become parents.

David and I did another round of IVF in June/July. This cycle was 100% better than our two previous cycles. We had MORE eggs during the retrieval this cycle, MORE eggs fertilized this cycle, we were able to do a FIVE day transfer this cycle, AND we were even able to freeze TWO blastocysts this cycle. To say that we were LOVING life during this cycle is definitely an understatement.

My parents visited us for ten days and it was by far, the visit that I will remember for a lifetime. We discovered that we were finally PREGNANT after trying for five years AND we were able to share that news with my parents and with my mother-in-love together. It was what we had been dreaming about for YEARS.

My beta numbers looked great and we spent the past six weeks celebrating!!! We continued working on our nursery, I bought a few baby clothes, we shared the news with our close family and friends, and mom and I talked non-stop about the perfect name for our baby.

Our dreams started to crumble though when we went in for our first fetal ultrasound on Monday. It was a day that we had been anxiously awaiting...mainly because we were excited to see our baby's heartbeat AND we couldn't wait to see if we had one baby or TWO!!

But, our appointment didn't go exactly how we had planned. The technician conducting my ultrasound could not find a heartbeat for the baby. She was also concerned because the baby was not as big as it should be for 6 weeks 4 days pregnant. We kept our chins up and prayed that in the next two days, our little baby would continue to grown and we would be able to see a heartbeat on Wednesday. We researched this scenario for hours, we prayed for the past two days, and felt confident that our prayers would be answered.

But as our doctor proceeded with the ultrasound yesterday, our dreams slowly faded into a distant memory. Our baby is at least a week behind in growth and there is still no detectable heartbeat. The baby has stopped growing and we are to expect a miscarriage soon.

We seriously feel as if someone has reached inside our chests and pulled our hearts completely out. We came home from our appointment mad, frustrated, heartbroken, defeated. How could this be happening?

After a lot of crying, praying, and talking we came up with some positive things that have come from this experience:

1. I CAN get pregnant. This is a huge piece of the puzzle we have been trying to solve for the past five years. This cycle showed us that we CAN get pregnant afterall.

2. We do have TWO beautiful blastocysts frozen that we can transfer and we will not have to pay an arm and a leg to have this done.

3. Our doctor shared that the reason the baby stopped growing was because he/she had some sort of chromosomal malfunction...it had nothing to do with anything that I did or didn't do and that this is God's way of preventing more heartache later.

My heart is still aching this morning and I honestly believe that I am still in shock over this news. I am still SO in love with this baby...our baby, our FIRST baby. But I'm trying to look at it as another step in this journey to parenthood.

Please keep us in your prayers as we pick ourselves up and continue to move forward. We know that the hard times are not quite over, as we will be losing our baby sometime within the next week. But we know the he/she was never ours to begin with....

"I pray for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours." John 17:9

It truly has been the BEST of times and the WORST of times.

Progress...

2011-08-13T10:23:00.000-04:00

We've made some progress with our nursery. Well...David has made some progess :)

I had Bunco last night and received a text message from David that he had started painting the wainscoting in the nursery. I could hardly WAIT to get home so I could see all the work he had done.

I seriously couldn't believe my eyes when I saw how beautiful our nursery looked...

I can't wait to see how it will look with the pastel green painted on the top portion of the walls.

Progress...

A Purpose...

2011-08-03T14:41:00.000-04:00

I received this devotional today and it spoke DIRECTLY to my heart and is exactly how I am feeling these days.

"And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."

~Ephesians 5:20

God never said that all my days would be filled with sweet moments. In fact, He said in this life there will be trouble (John 16:33), so when I think that everything will always be perfect, I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. However, the wonderful thing about being a child of God is that all of our pain, lack, hurts, and troubles have a purpose. They are all connected to a greater plan, a greater lesson, and a greater testimony. I guess that's why James said to count it all joy when you encounter various trials because the testing of your faith produces perseverance (James 1:2-3). When you face adversity it's a sign that God is up to something. He's preparing you, strengthening you, and purging you for something greater.

Although we have been waiting SO long for our journey to become parents to come to fruition, I wouldn't change one single thing. Through all this pain, lack, hurt, and trouble, God has a purpose. Through this journey, He has taught me patience, perseverance, strength, and love. He has picked THE perfect baby for David and I and when he/she gets here, it will be the greatest moment of our lives.

Nursery Update...

2011-07-31T15:00:00.001-04:00

I mentioned a few posts ago that I was going to start speaking our baby into our lives. So since my parents were here this past week, we decided to go ahead and start working on our nursery.

I had always dreamed of having wainscoting or recessed paneling in our baby's room, so I searched on the internet until I found exactly what I wanted. I found the picture below and my mom, dad, David and I went to Home Depot to find all the materials we needed to start on our nursery...

The quality of this picture is not good because I took a picture of it with my phone from mom's iPad :)

Mom and I cleared out the room...it used to be a guest bedroom.

We are also planning on replacing the doors to the closet...the ones the previous owners put on the closet do not even fit. But our plan is to put in sliding doors that we think will look perfect.

Dad and David put down a new tall baseboard...

And then started on the wainscoting...

They added a quarter round to finish off the seam...

Then added another tall board at the top and trimmed it off with a piece of crown molding...

I LOVE this view of the window...this is the FIRST thing you see when you come into the room!

The detail of the crown molding just makes my heart go pitter patter...

I honestly think they did a BETTER job than my inspiration picture...don't you think so?

David plans to start the painting tomorrow and I'm SO excited to see the finished product.

I'm continuing to speak this baby into our lives!!!

Delight...

2011-07-20T07:38:00.000-04:00

I can't even begin to tell you just how often God speaks directly to me through several of the daily devotionals I receive. This one is yet again, another example...

TODAY’S SCRIPTURE

“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart”

(Psalm 37:4, AMP)

TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria

Are you believing God for something that seems to be taking a long time? In the natural, you may have every reason to give up on what God has placed in your heart. At times, you may be tempted to get discouraged, but remember, God knows exactly where you are. He knows the desires He’s placed within you. He knows even the hidden dreams — what the scripture calls the secret petitions of your heart. Those are the things that you haven’t told anyone about. Maybe you thought they would never work out, or you’ve buried them because they didn’t happen on your timetable. But God still has a way to bring them to pass.

Be encouraged today because God is working behind the scenes on your behalf. Delight yourself in Him — find joy in serving Him and make your heart moldable in His hands. Don’t settle for mediocrity because God knows what’s in you, and His plan is to finish the work He began in you!

SO glad...

2011-07-19T06:05:00.000-04:00

I saw THIS article today and was overwhelmed with happiness for Giuliana and Bill.

After watching their show and SOBBING through the episodes when they found out that G had a miscarriage, my heart just ached for them. It's strange how CLOSE you can feel to someone you don't even know, especially when you share the same desires, hopes, and expectations.

(photo from Huffpost Celebrity)

I truly believe adoption is a WONDERFUL process and I hope that they are blessed with a baby very soon!

God is Good & He is in Control...

2011-07-17T21:42:00.000-04:00

Remember to Say Every Day: God Is Good and He Is in Control

by Rick Warren

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who’ve been called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28 (NIV)

“Why is life so hard?” Do you ever find yourself asking this question because you’re frustrated by circumstances in your life?

Frustration is the result of living in a world that is broken by sin. You can’t avoid suffering. There will be pain, and if you aren’t careful, that pain can lead to bitterness.

Bitterness is a poison that will eat you alive. It’s like a cancer to your heart. When you become bitter towards someone, you don’t hurt that person; you only hurt yourself.

It’s so easy to become envious and jealous of others when life doesn’t go the way we want it to. We begin to think, “It’s not fair. Why does that person have it so easy when life is so tough for me?”

It’s very easy to become resentful in a broken world. But envy and jealousy can quickly turn to bitterness, and bitterness will eat you up.

How do you keep from becoming bitter? You choose. There will be pain in your life. The question is, are you going to allow it to make you a better person or a bitter person? You can moan and groan and become bitter. Or you can stay sweet in a suffering world by remembering these four things:

The Holy Spirit is praying for you. “[T]he Spirit himself speaks to God for us, and even begs God for us with deep feelings that words cannot explain” (Romans 8:26 NCV).

God uses everything for your good. “And we know in all things God works for the good of those who love Him” (Romans 8:28 NIV). God is bigger than your enemies. He’s bigger than your critics. He’s bigger than your problems. And he’s working it all for good in your life.

God wants you to succeed. “If God is for us, who can ever be against us?” (Romans 8:31 NLT). God wants you to succeed in all those areas where you are failing. He’s pulling for you.

God will give you what you need. “And since God did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t God, who gave us Christ, also give us everything else?” (Romans 8:32 NLT). God solved your biggest problem when he paid for all your sins, including the ones you haven’t done yet. If God cared enough to save you and give you the gift of eternal life, don’t you think he cares about the problems in your daily life? If it’s big enough to worry about, it’s big enough to pray about. And if you pray about it, you won’t have to worry about it.

All of these things should remind you that God is good and he’s in control.

Perfect...

2011-07-17T04:15:00.000-04:00

I mentioned in THIS post that I had decided to start speaking this baby into our lives. My parents will be here in about a week and our plan is to start working on the nursery. My OCD personality wants to make sure that our nursery is somewhat ready if a birthmother chooses us...which can happen in a blink of an eye.

One of the first things that we are going to do is paint the nursery a green color. So I searched high and low for some baby boy and baby girl fabrics that I liked...both incorporating green into the color scheme. I finally came across several fabrics that I think would make the perfect crib bedding.

I ordered these swatches for crib bedding to help us choose the perfect shade of green for our perfect baby...

For a boy...

For a girl...

I'm not planning on using ALL of the fabrics you see above, but wanted to at least get an idea of how they all would coordinate. To be honest, I love ALL the fabrics...so I'm not really sure how in the world I'm going to narrow them down and choose the ones we will actually use. BUT I think I have chosen the perfect shade of green to start the nursery with.

PERFECT!!!!

Mercies in Disguise...

2011-07-14T14:09:00.000-04:00

I am so in love with this song right now...so true.

He NEVER Disappoints...

2011-07-13T05:33:00.000-04:00

God never ceases to amaze me. Just when I need an answer, an extra boost in my day, or a little encouragement to get me over a hump...He always delivers.

Proof...

I was sitting at the doctor's office on Monday and I was having one of those days. My hormones were out of whack, I had a MILLION things to take care of at work, and I was dreading my upcoming birthday AGAIN without a baby. All I really wanted to do was go back home and go to bed.

I decided it would probably be a good idea to read through some of the verses on my Daily Prayer app on my phone. Here is the very first scripture that appeared...

They said to him, "Where is Sarah your wife?" And he said, "She is in the tent." The Lord said, "I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife shall have a son." Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. Abraham and Sarah were already old and well advanced in years, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, "After I am worn out and my master is old, will I now have this pleasure?" Then the Lord said to Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh and say, 'Will I really have a child, now that I am old?' Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return to you at the appointed time next year and Sarah will have a son." ~Genesis: 9-18

My attitude changed in an instant...He NEVER disappoints, does He?

Kokopelli...

2011-07-10T07:10:00.001-04:00

Since experiencing the waiting for a child for quite a few years now, I've come in contact with the fertility god, Kokopelli QUITE a few times. Not in REAL life, of course, but you get the idea :)

I got really tickled though, when I saw this huge picture of Kokopelli in one of the rooms in our doctor's office...

Actually, there are SEVERAL symbols, artwork, and even a windchime depicting Kokopelli's picture in this room.

In case you haven't heard about Kokopelli, I found some interesting facts about him...

Kokopelli embodies the true American Southwest, and dates back over 3,000 years ago. There are many myths of the famous Kokopelli. One of which is that he traveled from village to village bringing the changing of winter to spring; melting the snow and bringing about rain for a successful harvest. It is also said that he was the source of human conception. Legend has it, everyone in the village would sing and dance throughout the night when they heard Kokopelli play his flute. The next morning, every maiden in the village would be with child. (info from Kokopelli.com)

I'm sure praying that Kokopelli brings us luck and I wake up SOON with a child of my own :)

Sentimental Crib...

2011-07-06T05:00:00.000-04:00

When we were in Texas a few weeks ago for my high school reunion, we spent Saturday morning with my grandmother (I call her Mother). She shared with me that she wasn't sure if I would be interested, but my great-grandfather built a crib for her when she was a baby, and thought I might want it for our baby. The crib was not only used for my grandmother, but also for my dad and his two brothers. It is definitely an antique, at least 80 years old...but more importantly, it was built by my great-grandfather (who passed away last year at the age of 102).

I am SO excited about this...how sentimental and special would it be to have our baby sleep in the crib that my great-grandfather built with his own two hands?!?!?

My grandmother took the crib last week to a company that specializes in refurbishing antique furniture. She was concerned that it wouldn't be able to be fixed, but they felt confident that they could change out some of the bolts, screws, etc. and paint it. I thought that I might want it stained to match our bedroom furniture...we are thinking this crib will be the one we keep in our room when the baby is small and we can get a bigger one for the actual nursery. But, the company was concerned that due to the fact that the wood is so old, it wouldn't hold stain very well. So we've decided to just have them paint it white instead.

Here are a few pics of the crib BEFORE...

It was one of those cribs that you could adjust the railing up or down, but since that is no longer safe, they are going to bolt it into one position.

My grandmother thinks that it will be ready by the time my parents come again for a visit at the end of July and they can bring it to us.

I am SO very excited about this sentimental crib and look forward to the day when I can tell our sweet baby who made it :)

Speaking it into My Life...

2011-07-04T05:00:00.001-04:00

A good friend of mine told me YEARS ago that I needed to start speaking our baby into our lives. She encouraged me to start working on our nursery, start buying clothes, and to start picking out a crib/furniture.

After meeting with our social worker last week, I realized that she could call us one day, without a moments notice, and tell us that our baby is HERE. She commented that she's had several conversations where she called the adoptive parents and said..."Your baby is here! Go to Target TONIGHT because the baby will be placed with you TOMORROW!!" How exciting would that be?!?!?

So I've decided to take my friend's advice...FINALLY! The next time my parents are in town, we are going to start moving out all our guest furniture and get the room ready. I have wanted (and envisioned for YEARS) to have wainscoting or recessed paneling in our baby's room. So I am hoping that the hubby and my dad can do that during the next trip.

I've picked out a few designs that I think would be pretty...

I've also decided to paint the room green on the top of the wainscoting or recessed paneling...that way, we can add blue if it's a boy or pink if it's a girl :) Not sure which type of green yet, but I'm looking at crib bedding right now and trying to narrow it down.

So here I go...speaking this baby into my life!!!

Play it Down and Pray it Up...

2011-07-02T16:41:00.000-04:00

Play It Down and Pray It Up

by Rick Warren

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9 (NIV)

Is there pain in getting in shape? Yes. Is there a profit to it? Yes. Is there pain in doing the right thing in your marriage? Yes. Is there profit to it? Yes. Is there pain in having a daily quiet time and being disciplined? Yes. Does it have profit and benefit? Yes.

To endure short-term pain in a situation, you need to look at the long-term reward.

“He (Jesus) was willing to die a shameful death on the cross because of the joy he knew would be his afterwards; and now he sits in the place of honor by the throne of God” (variation on Hebrews 12:2b LB).

Why did Jesus go to the cross? Because he knew the joy that would be his afterward – the joy of seeing all of us saved. He was willing to go through the pain of the cross because he could look past it to the reward that followed.

When you are going through any kind of problem, any kind of pain, play it down and pray it up. Take it to God in prayer as you keep in mind whatever it is isn’t the end of the world.

Take a moment and read 2 Corinthians 11:24-30. Paul was beaten and stoned, survived a shipwreck, faced robbers, floods, deserts, and stormy seas, went without food and water, and lacked sleep and clothing to keep him warm. Yet, in spite of all these things he endured during his ministry, he was still able to say, “We do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all” (2 Corinthians 4:16-17 NIV).

Everything that Paul endured for the gospel he called “light and momentary troubles.” He knew it was all a matter of perspective. He minimized the pain and maximized the profit.

Today’s verse from Galatians says that “at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” There is always a delay between when you plant the seed and when you eat the fruit. What we often want is to plant the seed in a prayer and expect the harvest of an answer immediately. But that’s not how it works.

Whatever season you find yourself in right now, the planting season or the growing season that requires waiting, know that the harvest will come if you don’t give up. Just look past the current pain to the eternal gain that awaits you.

The Book...

2011-06-17T08:24:00.001-04:00

So many of you left comments on THIS POST that I wrote a few weeks ago about our Adoption Book. So I thought it would be a good idea to share some things with you about what we did.

We used Shutterfly and it was GREAT! We had actually put our entire book together though Scrapblog and then uploaded each of the pages onto Shutterfly and then realized that Shutterfly has pre-made photo books that have background pages, designs, stickers, and much much more, so we decided to ditch our first book idea and use what Shutterfly had to offer.

The morning I placed the order for our book, I got a text message from my hubby letting me know that he wanted to change some of the wording on one of the pages. So I frantically called Shutterfly and they were so great and allowed us to cancel our order. David fixed the wording on the pages that evening and then I turned right around and ordered the book the following night...WHICH, turned out to be better for us, because they were having a sale on photo books because of Father's Day :)

Our book came in about two weeks ago and I was a little disappointed that one of the pictures we used had low resolution. Before you order your book, Shutterfly tells you all the pages that have photos with low resolution or if you have some photos too close to the edge of the page or if some of your wording is too long to fit on the page. Unfortunately, I ignored that warning, only because when I previewed our book, the photo looked fine to me. But, because this photo was the FIRST photo of our book, I just wasn't satisfied with that and wanted our book to be PERFECT! So I changed the photo and ordered another one :)

David and I talked and decided that we didn't want to share our entire Adoption Book with anyone. We feel as if it is very private and something that is very serious to us. AND, you never know who might see this book through my blog. So I have chosen a few pages that I think are safe for us to share with all of you, so those of you in the adoption process or for those of you considering adoption, this might give you an idea on how you can go about creating your Adoption Book...

This is the cover of our book...it is a hard cover and is glossy.

This is the section in our book where we explained how we met and how long we dated.

And this is the section where we talked about our nephew and how much we LOVE being his Auntie Lianna and Uncle D.

The quality of the book is top notch...I was SO pleased!

AND...I was filled with JOY when I dropped our book off on Wednesday this past week and sat down with our Social Worker to go over all the pages and to give her a little narrative about who everyone was in the photos and a little history about some of the people and things we decided to share with our birthmother. She kept commenting throughout our meeting about how great she thought our book turned out and felt as if it was PERFECT!

It's only a matter of time...and Lord knows we are READY!!!

The Sweetest Words...

2011-06-01T11:51:00.000-04:00

I have been diagnosed with colitis since I was a junior in high school. I have been taking pills after pills after pills for over twenty years now. Although I haven't had any physical symptoms of colitis in years, my colonoscopies always come back showing some inflamation and redness.

BUT, now that I have started this new medication, I am proud to say that I heard the sweetest words from my gastrointerologist today...You are completely healed. Your colon is 100%!!!!

I couldn't believe my ears...I have been waiting to hear these words for over twenty years now.

We aren't sure if my colitis has any part in our infertility, but my gastrointerologist has a feeling it does. He has seen research studies that indicate that colitis flare-ups can interfere with pregnancy. But now that I am healed, we are hoping to pursue more treatments.

Praise the Lord!!!!

A WAY Overdue Update!!!

2011-05-26T05:54:00.000-04:00

A really good blogger friend of mine, sent me an email this morning to check in on me...it's been FOREVER since I've blogged!!! I have just been busy with work, family, and well, just LIFE!!!

My parents and grandparents have been in town for the past week, so I'm also trying to soak up every single minute with them possible :)

I did want to give a quick update on our adoption and fertility journey.

Our application fee is PAID and I ordered our adoption/life picture book yesterday. So we are moving forward with the adoption process and I couldn't be happier. Not to brag, BUT, we spent so much time on our adoption/life picture book that I can't imagine a birth mother not choosing us :) In all seriousness, I think our book is the perfect reflection of our lives, marriage, and who we are. I am so anxious for it to arrive so I can submit it to the agency. Once that is done, we will officially be ready for a birth mother to choose us. SO EXCITING!!!

We are also moving forward with our last IVF treatment. I FEEL as if my body is doing great with the new colitis medicaiton I have been taking and am scheduled for another colonoscopy next week, June 1. If my gastrointerologist gives us the green light, we'll be starting our IVF treatment immediately.

Who knows...we may be blessed DOUBLE this year! Wouldn't that be a blessing???

His Timing...

2011-05-02T05:38:00.000-04:00

Yet again, God spoke DIRECTLY to me through this devotional...
“My times are in Your hand...”~Psalm 31:15
God doesn’t always work on our timetable. In fact, He rarely does. But in a single moment, God can change your life! All throughout Scripture, we see examples of how God was working behind the scenes and instantly turned things around for His people. Scripture tells us He is the same yesterday, today and forever which means He can instantly turn things around for you, too!

You may be going through some difficulty today, but be encouraged because your times are in God’s hands. He wants to accelerate things in your favor. He wants to take you further than you dreamed possible and work in your life in ways beyond what you have ever ima
gined.

Let this truth sink down into your heart today. Resist discouragement by speaking His Word over your future. Keep standing. Keep hoping; keep believing because He is working behind the scenes. He’s going to accelerate your times and lead you into the life of victory He has for you!

Believing it!!!

Falling Into Place...

2011-04-21T05:54:00.000-04:00

This last week has been one filled with excitement, happiness, and joy! It seems as if everything we have been waiting for has been (FINALLY) falling into place.

Through faith and patience, you will see God’s promises come to pass in your life.

We have been spending the past week working on our adoption book and it has been so fun reminiscing about our childhood, wedding, vacations, etc.

One of the agencies we plan to work with has been in touch with our Social Worker and I actually dropped off our home study to them yesterday.

If you will stay in faith, God will always complete what He started in you.

I had a terrible time sleeping last night because I am so excited to be completing our application with this agency T.O.M.O.R.R.O.W!!! We will officially start the adoption process at 11:00 a.m. when we meet with this agency.

Please say a prayer for us as we start this journey...it is our dream come true.

“Get ready! This is the day the Lord will give you victory!”~Judges 4:14

The Next Step...

2011-04-14T19:24:00.001-04:00

David and I attended our first Adoption Orientation a few nights ago...and to say it was fabulous, is well, an understatement! It is almost unreal to think that within a year or a year and half, we could have our very own baby...complete with a sweet nursery, late night feedings, coos, cries, onesies and burb cloths...sounds like HEAVEN to me!!!

I really had an overwhelming feeling that our dreams are just around the corner. It's been a long time since I've had this confidence...and it feels so good.

We had our social worker over tonight to finalize our update of our Home Study, since it's already been a year since we obtained it. We asked her several questions and again had a great feeling that our reality will soon involve a baby.

Our next steps are to put in our applications with a few agencies...we already have a few picked out. AND start to work on our Life Books. I plan on visiting Shutterfly this weekend to get started.

It's never felt better to take the next step than it does right now!

Waiting Here for You...

2011-04-06T20:41:00.000-04:00

I have had a recurring theme on this blog lately...WAITING!

And just like He always does, God put this song in my path this week. It's called Waiting Here for You and it's just FABULOUS!!!

The VERY first line of the song had me hooked!!! Let those mountains MOVE!!!

Stumbling...

2011-04-05T05:52:00.000-04:00

Although I was hoping to enjoy my Spring Break last week, the news that yet again I needed to wait really got me down. I KNOW that waiting until the summer would be better and less stressful, waiting until my body has healed even more would be the ideal situation, and waiting to save yet more money for the procedure would be perfect. But that word WAIT just kept ringing in my ears. But I am trying my best to realize that this is only a STUMBLING block in this marathon that I WILL FINISH!

I read this devotional this morning and it gave me the peace that I needed...

If you're outside walking and see something that could cause you to trip and fall, maybe a rock or a stick, you probably don't make a big deal about it and just go around it. However, if you are distracted, not looking where you're going, or if it's too dark to see, that same object can become a stumbling block.
Friend, in our spiritual journey, the enemy has strategically placed all kinds of stumbling blocks in our paths. When we make the Word of God our number one priority, it helps us to move forward with our eyes wide open. His Word lights our path and helps us see clearly where to step. When we love His Word, we keep our peace and avoid stumbling. Remember that the most important thing you can do is take time to read and meditate on His Word. His Word is life and strength to your body, and it will protect and direct your every step today!

"Great peace have they who love Your law, and nothing can make them stumble" ~Psalm 119:165

Nothing will make me stumble...

The Journey...

2011-03-30T20:48:00.001-04:00

So we've had another setback in our journey to becoming parents. My gastrointerolgist thought it would be best for me to wait until I had my 8 week infusion before giving me the clear to try IVF again. My next infusion isn't until the end of May, which means I won't be able to do another cycle until July.

As expected, I was very upset to hear this news. Don't get me wrong, I want everything to be perfect when we go through this cycle, I'm just frustrated with being told that we need to wait yet again.

Someone very important to me shared these words of wisdom...

It's not the finish, that makes a person but the roads we took to get to the end.....keep your mind and focus clear and enjoy each day you have been given.

So I'm taking this advice and focussing on the journey.

Quick Update...

2011-03-27T10:26:00.000-04:00

I feel as if I haven't blogged about our journey in SO LONG! The truth is, I haven't. I have been finding it so hard recently to blog or even read blogs. I have so many things going on in my life...between work, family, selling Mary Kay, trying to start out new Doggie Boutique business, and just everyday life, my blog and blog reading have come in last place.

I did want to give a quick update on where we are because I truly believe that this blogging community is a HUGE group of God's greatest Prayer Warriors. And I could always use prayers...

I am going in on Tuesday this week to get another infusion for my colitis. I truly believe with all my heart and soul that this new medication is doing the trick. I felt great...no stomach aches or pains and I have lots of energy...Praise the Lord!!! On Friday this week, I will have another colonoscopy so my doctor can actually take a look to ensure the medication is working the way it should. If all is well, we are going to procede with another IVF procedure. I covet your prayers that my colon is continuing to heal and that we can pursue this avenue with IVF.

On another note, I have been very frustrated on the adoption journey lately. I tried to contact TWO different adoption agencies...one of them I emailed and left a message for them TWICE. Unfortunately, NEITHER of the agencies have returned my call. Please pray that I receive peace over this situation. I am not sure if this is God's way of telling me to sit back and be patient or if it's His way of telling me to wait. Either way, I'd love your prayers for peace...it's so hard coming to the realization that we are finally READY to take this next step with adoption, to have the door slammed in our face. I know it is only temporary, but frustrating still the same.

I will blog again after my results this week with the medication and the colonoscopy. We ARE getting closer to becoming parents...it's finally HIS timing.

God's Will or My Will?

2011-03-05T05:00:00.002-05:00

I receive several devotionals through email and I was BLOWN away by how true this one today...

Even if we don’t understand God’s plan, we need to respond to his direction. In fact, when we don’t understand God’s plan, it is even more important to do exactly what he directs us to do.

Often, God asks us to make the choice to do his will before we know the specific details of his plan. That’s because part of God’s plan is to develop in us a trust of his character and his benevolence.

But this is where many of us get into a battle of wills with God, wanting him to reveal his plan to us first and only then will we decide whether or not to do what he tells us to do. (This is SO true for me.)

But that’s not the way it works. God wants you to decide in advance, trusting him and believing that his will is the best plan for your life, believing that he will strengthen you to do all that he asks you to do.

One reason God doesn’t give you the full picture of his plans for your life is that you may be overwhelmed by what you see. For instance, it may appear impossible for you to complete everything he plans for you during this Decade of Destiny. But that’s the point—there’s no way you can fulfill your mission without God empowering you.

Do you still think there is someone else to go to find out what direction to take? Perhaps you still believe you know best? Tell God, “I don’t know that I’m willing to step out in faith without first knowing everything that’s going to happen, but I’m willing to be made willing.”
This devotional is by Jon Walker, editor of the Daily Hope Devotionals and author of Costly Grace. Rick Warren says Costly Grace “strips discipleship down to its essentials, where we discover again that, when we face uncertainty, our only certainty is in Jesus.”

Such a Good Feeling...

2011-03-02T18:46:00.000-05:00

I have had a good feeling the past few weeks about the path we are headed with becoming parents. It just seems as if everything I've been waiting for is finally falling into place.

I had my second infusion for my colitis this week and I have to admit that I feel marvelous. I wasn't really feeling bad before, but something about this new medication is just reassuring me that it's working. I will have one more treatment in four weeks before my gastrointerologist performs another colonoscopy. I am praying that the results from this next colonoscopy will show COMPLETE healing of my colon.

Our home study renewal is going right as planned. We have just one more piece of information that we need to submit to have it completely renewed. I also contacted a local adoption agency and added our name to their next orientation for potentional adoptive parents. Although we had our home study for an entire year, we never made the next step to pursue adoption. But we have finally made it this go around.

My endocrinologist recommended that before I try another fertility treatment that I should go on a low carb diet and lay off of all the exercising. He has done several studies on diet and exercise and how they affect (or effect, I never know the difference) fertility. So for the past week, I have been going low carb and doing mild exercises. It was hard the first few days, but now I'm in a routine and I feel really good.

I think all of these pieces are finally fitting into the puzzle that I have been dreaming about it. And it's such a good feeling.

What's One More Month?

2011-02-22T05:00:00.000-05:00

On my last post, I shared about a new medication my gastrointerologist recommended that I take for my colitis. We had also planned to try IVF one more time soon. After a long conversation with my hubby, we have decided to post IVF for another month. We want to ensure that the new medication is working properly before we pay for another cycle of IVF.

So although I am so disappointed that we will be postponing the IVF cycle, I keep telling myself...what's one more month? We've waited this long for a baby, so waiting one more month to ensure that this new medication is working, is definitely worth it.

So we'll just continue to be patient, knowing that God has the perfect plan and the perfect baby waiting for us!

Just Around the Corner...

2011-02-16T05:59:00.000-05:00

Most of you know already that I have colitis.

I was first diagnosed with it my junior year in high school. For at least the past 10 years, it has been under control and I haven't had any physical problems with it. Unfortunately, my gastrointerologist thinks that my colitis might be the reason we are having such a hard time getting pregnant. So he recommended that I try a new medication to see if it will heal me completely before moving on to IVF.

So yesterday I had my first treatment with the new medicaiton. It is given intravenously....for TWO HOURS! Yes, you read that correctly. I sat at the doctors office and received the medication through an IV for two hours. I will go back again in two weeks, then in another four weeks, and than after that I will receive the medication once every eight weeks. It's not my ideal why of receiving medication, but it sure beats taking four pills three times a day AND if it helps us get pregnant, I'm all for it!

For good measure, I called our local Children's Home Society and put our name on the invitation list to attend their next Adoption Seminar...our time is JUST AROUND THE CORNER!!!

One Last Time...

2011-02-10T19:39:00.000-05:00

We've made a big decision...we are going to try IVF one last time.

It's taken a lot of discussions, a lot of failed pregnancy tests, and a lot of prayers for us to finally come to this decision (not to mention a LOT of saving to be able to pay for this procedure again).

Please keep us in your prayers as we take this leap of faith.

And believe with us that this will be the last time we have to go through this procedure and that our dreams will finally come true!

Coincidence?

2011-02-01T09:01:00.000-05:00

The hubby and I have decided to renew our adoption homestudy. It has been a year already since our homestudy was finalized so I emailed our social worker to find out what paperwork we needed to submit to ensure everything was up to date.

After her response, I emailed her back asking her if she could recommend an agency that we should pursue. She responded with the website and a contact name for a local agency where many of her clients adopted this past year.

That very next weekend, my hubby helped out with an Open House at the marina where he works part-time. On the way home he told me about all the people he encountered that day.

He met a lady that had the cutest twins and he was commenting about how, after all these years of TTC, he would LOVE to have twins. The lady responded to my hubby telling him that that is exactly how she was blessed with her girls. She had an egg donor and one of the embryos split, creating the twins.

Later the hubby met another woman and they started talking about my job...that I am an assistant principal at a performing arts high school. She wanted to know more about my job and asked my hubby if I would be willing to contact her and maybe speak to some of the young girls where she works. The hubby took down her information and planned to share it with me when he got home.

That evening, I started a load of laundry and pulled out a piece of paper from my hubby's pocket. I was startled by what I read on the paper...

The lady that wanted me to speak to the girls works at the Adoption Agency that my social worker recommended we apply to.

Coincidence?

I don't think so.

This is the Stuff...

2011-01-29T13:33:00.002-05:00

This is my new FAVORITE song!!! So so true :)

One Stop Shopping...

2011-01-23T18:02:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to give a shout out to CSN Stores!!! They are such a phenomenal company and have so many websites all in ONE place. I could browse their site for DAYS and never get bored.

I honestly think that they carry everything...if you are looking for adjustable bar stools, a cozy bed for your pet, a set of new dishes, or even an outdoor ceiling fan, you can find it at CSN Stores.

Here are just a few items that I am eyeing right now...

Isn't this pillow just adorable! I love the pretty flower :)

This Rachael Ray cookware would match perfectly in our kitchen!

And this float just makes me DREAM of summer!!

If you haven't stopped by their site to see all the things they offer, you are missing out.

Check out CSN Stores!

Wanting It Even More...

2011-01-22T16:55:00.000-05:00

I had a humbling experience last week at school. If you haven't read my other blog, you've got to check out this post about Challenge Day.

I was very surprised at how easy it was for me to open up about my struggles with getting pregnant and wanting a baby...whether through IVF or adoption...through the Challenge Day experience.

I heard so many of my students share their fears, their experiences (some unbelievable and tragic experiences), and their hurts. I spent the entire day just hugging students and comforting them as they shared and cried. I have to admit that I literally cried for 8 hours straight that day...I was just hurting for them and wanted to take all their pain away.

The Challenge Day experience has made me want motherhood even MORE!

Children are one of God's greatest gifts...make sure you a hug a child today and let him/her know how much you love them. You'll never know the difference it may make in their day...or their LIFE.

Will...

2011-01-20T05:00:00.005-05:00

These days it seems as if I am running as fast as I can BUT I'm staying in the same spot...similar to what you see on cartoons---when the character's feet are going 100 miles per hour but he's not even moving???

I feel as if I am READY to become a mom, READY to share a new life with my husband, READY to wake up all hours of the night, READY to experience my child say new words, just READY.

After five years of trying, trying, trying, the answer is still no.

I feel like the sick woman in Mark, chapter 5. She had been sick for twelve years and her doctors gave her no hope of getting well or overcoming her illness. She had heard about Jesus and that He was the Great Physician. She discovered that Jesus was passing through her town and she knew that if she could only see Him, touch Him, she would be healed. But, she doubted that she would be able to make it through the crowds to get to Him. After a lot of prayer and motivation, she made the choice to take a leap of faith. She pressed through the crowd until she got just close enough to touch the edge of Jesus’ robe and instantly she was made whole again. Healed!

Jesus said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well" (Mark 5:34).

I am making the decision to rely on my faith...faith that I WILL be a mommy, that I WILL share a new life with my husband, that I WILL wake up all hours of the night, that I WILL experience hearing my child say new words, it WILL happen.

“Keep on asking and it WILL be given you; keep on seeking and you WILL find; keep on knocking reverently and the door WILL be opened to you."~Matthew 7:7

Send in the Clowns!!

2011-01-18T05:00:00.002-05:00

My aunt sent me an article she found on CNN. At first, I thought this was a joke, but after reading through the article, I do see some validity in their idea.

The article implies that with the stress on the body (and the mind) after embryo transfer during IVF, clowns alleviate stress...and as a result, women get pregnant.

If you want to read more, you can check out the article HERE.

All I have to say is...SEND IN THE CLOWNS!!!!

He Has His Hands on You...

2011-01-16T11:27:00.000-05:00

My best friend sent me the lyrics to this song and it just gave me this overwhelming feeling that God hasn't forgotten about me.

He sees the tears you cry
He shares your pain inside

And sometimes you wonder why He allows you to go through what you go through

(Listen) Just know He has His hands on you.

Your days are filled with dark clouds

Even when the sun is out

And from the top of your lungs you shout will there ever be a change, what shall I do

Just know He has His hands on you

He has his hands on you

He says He'll see you through

When you cry He's holding you

So just lift your hands up high

For He will provide

Just know He has his hands on you

Sometimes you feel so alone

Like a child lost with no home

They keep telling you to be strong

But you say when will it end?

When will I win?

But just know He has His hands on you.

He has His hands on you

He says He'll see you through

When you cry He's holding you

So just lift your hands up high

For He will provide

Just know he has his hands on you.

When times are hard and it seems no one can understand

But it's in those times that we, we tend to forget what it means to be in His hands.

He has His hands on you

He says He'll see you through

When you cry He's holding you

So just lift your hands up high

For He will provide (Just know) [x2]

Just know He has His hands on you.

No Matter What...

2011-01-11T05:55:00.000-05:00

I am loving this song right now...

No matter WHAT!!!

Hitting the Nail on the Head...

2011-01-06T05:36:00.000-05:00

I received a devotional this morning that hit the nail the head!!!!

Momentary Troubles

TODAY’S SCRIPTURE

“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."

(2 Corinthians 4:17, NIV)

TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria

Are you facing a difficulty or trial that seems like it’s been lasting a long time? Today’s verse tells us that our trials are really only momentary. Compared with eternity, our troubles don’t last long at all! As you stand strong in faith during times of adversity, you are building faith and achieving eternal glory.

If you are in the middle of tough times today, look to God. The Bible says that He is the Author and Finisher of your faith. He is the One who writes faith on your heart and then develops it to completion on the inside of you. He is building strength in you, He is depositing joy in you, and He is empowering you to make it through.

Today, be encouraged because what you are facing is only temporary. Victory is on the way, and it’s closer than you think! Keep standing, keep believing, keep hoping, and keep confessing His Word because He is faithful, and He will complete what He’s started in you!

A PRAYER FOR TODAY

Heavenly Father, thank You for working Your eternal glory in me. I cast my cares on You today, knowing that my trials and troubles are temporary. Thank You for Your eternal blessing on my life today and for leading me into victory. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

The Best Daddy Ever!!

2010-12-28T05:00:00.001-05:00

I have to admit that I was worried how my heart would handle yet another Christmas without a baby to celebrate with. Fortunately, I did pretty good this year. I think I have come to realize that I am truly blessed and I have so much to be thankful for.

I sat back on Christmas day and reflected on where we are with our journey to become parents and am at peace that it will happen one day.

As I looked through all the pictures I took over the Christmas holiday, these two stood out the MOST.

They made me believe that our time is coming to be parents...

And my husband will be the BEST daddy EVER!!!

One Day Soon...

2010-12-20T01:43:00.000-05:00

It has been quite a while since I've posted about our journey to become parents.

We are currently working on getting our Home Study updated...can you believe it's already been an entire year since we had our Home Study approved??? How time flies.

We are also planning to try IVF one more time in March/April, but until then, we are continuing to pray that our desires for a baby will soon be answered.

The holidays are fast approaching and I'm trying my best to keep my chin up and know that good things are coming our way. I remembered that I wrote a post last year, around this same time, hoping for a baby for Christmas. And although that wish wasn't granted, I know my request was heard.

One day...and hopefully one day soon!

2010 Christmas Door Tour...with Linky!

2010-12-10T01:00:00.003-05:00

Welcome to the 2010 Christmas Door Tour!!

I have had so much fun hosting the Door Tour for the past two years and can't wait to see what all of you creative ladies of come up with for this year.

I have to admit that I was struggling with our Christmas decorated door this year. I wanted to do something different and had a hard time finding just the right thing to make our door stand out. I didn't know what exactly I was looking for, but just knew that when I found it, I would know. And boy did I!I finally walked into a store and said out loud...to myself...THIS IS IT!!!

I kept two of the same things that I always use for our door...

I just love our wreath hanger. I got it years ago at Pier 1 and I think it's just so pretty :)

Because our front door has gold accents, I feel like I need to keep the gold theme each year. I put poinsettias in a gold painted basket again this year, BUT the basket I used this year came from my great-grandfather's funeral. He passed away this year after a LONG and WONDERFUL life of 102 years. So I was excited to be able to have him be a part of our Christmas this year :)

Here is the NEW item that I added to our Christmas decorated door...

Now do you see why I shouted with GLEE when I found this beauty???

I just LOVE how it ties in the gold of the wreath hanger AND the red of the poinsettias.

Please join in and post the pics of your Christmas inspired front door and share your link with us below.

Merry Christmas!

Craftomaniac
Tools are for Women Too

Working Enthusiastically...

2010-12-02T06:08:00.000-05:00

I have been finding it VERY hard this week to get up and get motivated. Not sure if it is because of the weather, it FINALLY feels like winter here in Florida, or if it's just because of the holidays and well...I just don't feel motivated this year.

But I read this devotional today and thought it was share-worthy...

Our society has taught us to define success by a person's job title and financial status. But what does it take for God to have his blessing on your work? To him the motive, method and meaning of your work matters more than the money. That's because you only take your character to heaven, not your career.
If you want your work to be blessed by God, the first thing you must do is start working enthusiastically.

Enthusiasm is not based on how fun your job is or how much it pays; it's based on why you do what you do. In fact, the word enthusiasm comes from the Greek words en theos which mean "in God."
If you want to be enthusiastic about your work, remember these three things:
Your work is a test from God. He is testing you to see how much he can trust you with in eternity. "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much ... But if you have not been trustworthy with someone else's property, who will give you property of your own?" (Luke 16:10-12 NIV).

God is watching what you do, even when no one else is. Even if you have the most boring job in the world, God is watching to see your attitude. "Work hard so God can say to you, 'Well done.' Be a good workman, one who does not need to be ashamed when God examines your work" (2 Timothy 2:15 LB).

Your attitude determines your joy. A lousy job is a lousy job, but it's even worse when you complain about it. "The diligent find freedom in their work; the lazy are oppressed by work" (Proverbs 12:24 MSG). It's all in your attitude.

You can't succeed in life until you change your attitude about the work you are doing right now. Romans 12:11 says, "Never be lazy in your work, but serve the Lord enthusiastically" (NLT). Why? Because God is watching, so serve Him enthusiastically.

I've got a new attitude this morning and plan on working enthusiastically!!!

Being Thankful...

2010-11-24T07:40:00.000-05:00

As we approach the holiday season, it always gets harder and harder to realize that we will be spending another Thanksgiving and Christmas without a baby.

I do know our time is coming and that when we are blessed with a baby of our own it will be the BEST holiday season I have EVER experienced.

But right now I have so many other things to be thankful for this holiday season...

I am thankful for a husband who loves me.

I am thankful for a family that supports me in everything I do.

I am thankful for friends that give me a shoulder to cry on.

I am thankful for a job that allows me to make a difference in the lives of children.

I am thankful to have a roof over my head, a pantry full of food, and clothes on my back.

I am thankful for a dog that wags his tail and howls with excitement every time I walk through the door.

I am thankful to live in a country were I am free.

And most importantly, I am thankful to serve an Almighty and Powerful God.

What are you thankful for this holiday season?

Christmas Door Tour...

2010-11-21T10:23:00.001-05:00

It's that time again...

The Third Annual Christmas Door Tour!!!

This is when we share our Christmas decorated doors. Please snag the button below and help me spread the word by creating a post about the Christmas Door Tour on your blog. Then come back on December 10th and link up to the Linky and share your Christmas inspired front door.

Leave a comment letting me know that you've posted about the Christmas Door Tour and you'll be in the running for an adorable Christmas surprise :)

Crying Out...

2010-11-16T06:07:00.000-05:00

I recently finished reading Beth Moore's book, Looking Up when Life is Looking Down. It is a great book that explains how you can get out of the pit that life sometimes makes you feel like you fell in.

At the end of the book, Beth writes some scripture prayers for you to pray daily and I just wanted to share the prayer entitled, Cry Out.

I call to You, Lord, who are worthy of praise, and I am saved from the enemies. The waves of death swirl about me; the torrents of destruction overwhelm me. The cords of the grave coil around me; the snares of death confront me. In my distress I call t oYou, Lord; I call out to my God. From Your temple You hear my voice; my cry comes to Your ears (2 Samuel 22:4-7). Oh, my Strength, come quickly to help me (Psalm 22:19). Reach down from on high and take hold of me; draw me out of deep waters. Rescue me from my powerful enemy and from foes who are too strong for me (Psalm 18:16-17). Bring me out into a spacious place; rescue me, Lord, because You delight in me (Psalm 18:19).

This prayer washed over me this past week...when I was feeling like I couldn't get out of that pit.

Right on Time...

2010-11-11T11:13:00.000-05:00

This devotional showed up in my mailbox this morning...and it was RIGHT ON TIME!!!

Anxious for Nothing

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God."~Philippians 4:6

So many people today are living uptight, worried and anxious about the future, filled with frustration and concern. In the natural there may be good reason, but understand, living that way is not God’s best. God doesn’t want us to be filled with anxiety and frustration; He wants us to live in peace. You can find rest in Him knowing that no matter what is happening around you, God Almighty has His hand on you.

The next time you’re tempted to worry or be anxious about something, remember this verse. God invites us to come to Him. In fact, the Bible says He rewards those who diligently seek Him. But notice, we can’t just come to Him any old way. He wants us to come to Him with a heart of gratitude and thanksgiving. Begin by simply saying, “Father in heaven, thank You for the privilege to come before You. Thank You for hearing my prayers.” As you come to Him with an open and humble heart, He will hear you and fill you with His peace and joy to live free from anxiety all the days of your life!

TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria Osteen

Strength...

2010-11-09T11:12:00.000-05:00

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." – Philippians 4:12-13

Wait...

2010-11-02T05:00:00.000-04:00

Here are a few verses I am reading, reciting, and believing...

"Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!"~Psalm 27:14

"For we have become partakers of Christ if we hold the beginning of our confidence steadfast to the end."~Hebrews 3:14

"Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our sheild."~Psalm 33:20

"My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him."~Psalm 62:5

"Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."~Isaiah 40:31

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful."~Hebrews 10:23

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I do hope."~Psalm 130:5

"The eyes of all look expectantly to You, and You give them their food in due season. You open Your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing."~Psalm 145:15-16

I have this last verse posted in my cabinet door at work so I can read it each and every day...

"For the vision is yet for an appointed time; but at the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry."~Habakkuk 2:3

Low of Lows...

2010-10-31T10:49:00.000-04:00

I have found myself in the low of all lows today...

I had always hoped to have a baby during the month of July. Both my husband and I have July birthdays and I thought it would be so neat for our child to be born that month too.

Well, my dream will not be coming true this next year. And it is so hard to accept...very hard.

All I feel like doing today is crawling back in bed and just staying there for as long as I can.

Even on today, one of my favorite holidays, it seems unbearable. I have a huge bowl of candy just ready to brighten the faces of the little trick-or-treaters coming to my door. But I honestly don't know if I can deal with seeing all those adorable kids dressed up tonight.

"For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."~Psalm 30:5

It's Your Time...

2010-10-27T15:56:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning to the sweetest email from my best friend.

She sent me the lyrics to this song that made her think of me every time she heard it. Here are the lyrics:

You've been faithful, you've been true

And you've done all that you can do

And for your faithfulness, it's your time

You applauded for the rest

Now it's your time to be blessed

And for your faithfulness, it's your time

You've waited for so long

But you held on, and you were strong

And for your faithfulness, it's your time

You encouraged everyone else

When you needed it for yourself

And for your faithfulness, it's your time

You encouraged everyone else

When you needed it for yourself

And for your faithfulness, it's your time

This song is dedicated to all of you who have been working in the vineyard for the Lord for what seems like a lifetime. You have dreamed and you've worked towards things that you've wanted to accomplish for yourself. But somehow your biggest goals always seem to be just out of your reach. But the Lord told me to tell you He knows who you are. Yes, He's seen your work and He's also seen your tears. And He wants you to know that you are not forgotten. He's here to reward you for all your faithfulness. For He said in His word if you will delight yourself in Him, He will give you the desires of your heart. In other words, not only will He give you what you need, but He promised to give you whatever you want. So don't get discouraged. So don't give up. Hang in there and prepare yourself for your blessing. It's your time now.

You have waited for so long.

But you held on, you were strong

And for your faithfulness

Because you hung in there when times got hard

And when it seemed like nobody cared

You kept right on working

You kept right on doing good things

And for your faithfulness

And for your faithfulness, it's your time

He told me to tell you, it's your time!

What an AWESOME way to start my day :)

Prayers for a Friend...

2010-10-26T05:45:00.000-04:00

Will you take a minute today and pray for my friend, Tiffany. She is my friend and co-worker and found out on Friday that her cancer has spread to her abdomen.

She has been dealing with cancer for years now and after surgery this August, thought this would be her last battle. Unfortunately, the cancer has spread and is growing.

Tiffany started radiation yesterday and will continue with radiation every day until December 3. Then she will start chemo.

She is SUCH a strong woman, mother, wife, and friend.

Please pray that the Lord will heal her body, strengthen her mind, and lift her spirits.

Taking the Plunge...

2010-10-24T09:48:00.000-04:00

I am seriously at my highest weight ever :( And I'm not too happy about it.

With all the fertility treatments and emotional eating that goes along with trying to get pregnant, I have to admit that I have really let my body go.

My clothes do not fit like they used to and I am just not happy with how I look or feel.

So today I am taking the plunge and getting my body (and my mind) back on track.

I am going to the grocery store today and stocking up on all the healthiest foods AND I will start running again today.

I'm looking forward to getting my old body back!!!

Try Again...

2010-10-17T18:05:00.001-04:00

I finally got caught up on Giuliana & Bill today. I honestly cried throughout the entire episode...it brought back so many memories of when we tried IVF.

When I heard that Giuliana had 8 eggs retrieved, it was as if I was RIGHT there...that was the same amount of eggs we had too.

I am SO ready to try IVF again!!!

Hallelujah...

2010-10-15T06:09:00.000-04:00

I heard Heather Williams' story on the radio yesterday and the reasons why she wrote the song Hallelujah. It is such a powerful story and a beautiful song, I just had to share...

I'm crying out HALLELUJAH too!

Believing...

2010-10-04T05:00:00.002-04:00

I have always had a vivid imagination.

As I child, I even had a make-believe friend...his name was Jeffery. I don't remember much about this make-believe friend, but my parents had a personalized book created for me and had Jeffery listed as one of my friends in the book.

As a teenager, I imagined how cool it would be when I got my first car. I can still remember the day I got home, opened the garage, and saw my very first car just waiting for me to get behind the wheel.

As a young adult, I dreamed of a fairy tale wedding. I envisioned the dress, the flowers, the cake, my groom...every thing would be picture perfect. To this day, my wedding day was one of the BEST days of my life.

Now that I am older, I imagine my life as a mother. What seems different about this dream is that I have a hard time really seeing a picture of what our lives will be like with a baby...how it will feel, what our baby will look like, the smell of our baby's skin, the feel of his/her little feet.

Sometimes it scares me that I can't see this image...

But in my heart I know that "we live by faith, not by sight."~2 Corinthians 5:7 And that is what keeps me believing...

Stirring Up Your Dreams...

2010-09-30T05:36:00.000-04:00

I read this devotional this morning and had to share it with all of you. It has reminded me that I need to stir up my dreams of becoming a mother...

“Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you...”~ Timothy 1:6

The Scripture tells us that without vision, people perish. If you don’t have a dream or vision for your life, you’re not really going to reach your fullest potential. Maybe at one time you had a dream, but you went through some disappointments or setbacks. Things didn’t turn out the way you planned. But here’s a key: when one dream dies, dream another dream. Just because it didn’t work out the way you had it planned doesn’t mean that God doesn’t have another plan. You cannot allow one disappointment or even a series of disappointments to convince you that your dream is over. It’s time to dig your heals in and hold on to the promises in your heart. Stir up those God-given dreams today and watch Him pour out His favor and blessing upon you and fulfill every desire in your heart!

My dream isn't over!!!! He WILL fulfill every desire in my heart!!!

His Light Shines On...

2010-09-28T05:00:00.002-04:00

I took this pic when we went out on a boat ride last week. I think it speaks volumes...

Although my life might seem like it's crumbling before me, His light shines on!!!

I've Failed...

2010-09-26T11:52:00.000-04:00

After what seems like pregnancy test number 1,328,342....I've failed.

Still the answer is no.

Lord, please give me the strength to continue on. Give me the determination to look forward to next month. And please Lord, remind me that You never would have placed this desire in my heart if You weren't going to fulfill it..

Diet and Exercise...

2010-09-20T05:00:00.000-04:00

This is one of those "being real" blog posts.

I am SO in need of a good diet and exercise plan. I weigh more today than I have EVER weighed and I am just plain miserable about it. None of my clothes fit and after looking at some pictures of me recently, I know I need to get on the ball and do something about it. I could use to lose about 10-15 pounds. It's not a lot, but seems to be the hardest to lose.

I was curious as to what diet and exercise plans you've tried that REALLY work. My doctor recommended that I not do a lot of strenuous exercising...he conducted a study that proved strenuous exercising was a factor in infertility in women. So I really want to try this out and see if we benefit from what he recommends.

But I would LOVE to hear your recommendations. The diet that really helped me the most was the South Beach Diet...so I'm leaning towards getting back on that one. I've been doing a lot of fast walking and light weights, but I think my diet is the key to getting rid of these pounds.

I think that getting myself back in shape and just plain feeling good, will go a long way in our journey to becoming parents.

What diet and exercise plan have you been successful with?

His Tears...

2010-09-14T20:00:00.000-04:00

I had an interesting conversation with a co-worker last week.

He shared with me that he and his wife had been trying to have a baby for the past three years. But what really moved me the most about our conversation was how emotional he became when sharing their story.

Although I know that infertility affects a couple, it is so easy to forget that our husbands are hurting just as much as we are.

As a little girl, I grew up believing that my dad was the strongest man ever. I can still recall the first time I ever saw him cry...it was right after I received the news of being honored as the top officer on my dance team in high school. He was so overwhelmed with pride that he shed tears of joy because of his daughter's accomplishments.

About 14 years later, I met my husband. After learning about his childhood, how he lost his father in a helicopter accident at the age of only 1 year old and that he lost one of the most influential people in his life to cancer, his grandfather, I couldn't think of anything more heartbreaking. I truly believed nothing else in this world could ever cause him to cry after all his experiences. But on September 17, 2005 I saw him cry for the first time. He was shedding tears of joy because he was watching his wife walk down the aisle.

All these memories rushed through my mind as I sat with my co-worker and watched him shed tears of frustration and helplessness as he shared their story of infertility. It made me realize that I'm not the only one that is hurting here.

This conversation also made me hopeful...hopeful for the day that two of the most important men in my life shed tears of joy at the news that we will be parents.

I'm Not Alone...

2010-09-11T05:00:00.001-04:00

I have had so many sweet comments on this blog since we've started our journey to parenthood. Even though infertility can make you feel all alone, there are so many women (and men) experiencing this frustrating journey.

I thought I would spotlight some of the comments left on my blog and ask you to pray for those with the desire to be parents...

“I just turned 40 and I'm losing hope by the hour. I'm officially defective.”

“I keep clinging to the hope that we have all the necessary "parts" to have a baby and God can make anything happen. Let's hope He does!”

“If these attempts we have paid for do not work, we literally have no more money- for adoption for surrogacy for anything.”

“My husband and I went through infertility and we were never able to get any real answers.”

“Sometimes I just want to quit this journey, but it is impossible.”

“I know you probably thought that you would be holding a baby by now. I thought the same thing last year but ended up losing another baby.”

“We've been trying for a little over 2 years now for babies, and it just has not happened yet.”

“I don't go one day without thinking that I'm never going to have a child & Mother's Day is just especially painful.”

“It's hard to believe that another year has come and gone.”

Lord, I pray that you hear the cries of these women longing to be mothers. Please grant them the desires of their hearts, open their womb, and bless them with the miracle they have been waiting for.

ONE STRONG WOMAN!!!

2010-09-09T14:21:00.000-04:00

After four years of trying to have a baby, I have learned that some people just don't understand. I honestly don't think people "try" to be hurtful with the words they say, I just think they haven't experienced the pain, frustration, anxiety, and helplessness that comes along with infertility, so they don't realize how damaging their comments can be.

Nonetheless, it still hurts when you hear things like...

"So what are you guys waiting on??? You should get pregnant now."

"I will be MORE than happy to carry a baby for you. Just tell me when you're ready."

"I'll be so glad when you guys finally have kids. I can't wait for our kids to play together, go to school together, and grow up together."

I've gotten really good at biting my tongue when I hear things like the comments listed above...because again, I think these comments were said to try and help me, not hurt me. I am a fast learner, but learning how to not be so sensitive is taking me awhile :)

Until our prayers are answered, I'm going to continue believing that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Which definitely makes me ONE STRONG WOMAN!!!

Square One...

2010-08-31T05:49:00.000-04:00

I had my follow-up appointment yesterday for my laproscopy surgery. Unfortunately, it didn't go as well as I had hoped it would. I'm not sure what I expected, I already knew what the doctor was going to tell me. I guess I was hoping for a miracle diagnosis.

My doctor felt as if the endometriosis played a huge part in our inability to get pregnant. But instead of telling me that he thought we should continue to try for a while and see what happens. My doctor was very honest with me and said..."If you were 27 years old, I would recommend you try for several months on your own and see what happens. But because you are 37 years old and time is NOT on your side, I recommend you and your husband try IVF."

Not the words I wanted to hear...

Believe me, I am willing to try ANYTHING at this point to become a mother. But we've done IVF...TWICE. The cost of an IVF procedure and the medicaitons are ridiculous and we are literally STILL trying to pay off our debt from our first two attempts. Not to mention that giving yourself shots with the LONGEST needles ever, is not my idea of fun. BUT, it is what it is.

So here we are, almost five years later, and starting back at square one.

Lord, give us the strength to finish this journey. Help us to make it to the top of this mountain we have been climbing for years and remind us that You are the one we should turn our focus to.

One of These Days...

2010-08-29T05:00:00.000-04:00

One of these days...

Wounds Heal...

2010-08-27T18:23:00.000-04:00

It has been over a WEEK since I've posted on this blog....which is definitely NOT my normal :) School started and it's been a busy week (for a lack of better words)!!!

Monday is my last follow-up appointment with my doctor and I am REALLY looking forward to hearing what he has to say. I am curious as to what he thinks our next steps should be.

I am proud to announce that my four wounds from my surgery are healing nicely. I am hoping after a few more weeks (and the use of Mederma twice a day) you won't even be able to see the scars. Fingers CROSSED :)

My heart still longs for a baby...every week, every day, every minute that passes by. But just like the wounds from my surgery, I will be healed. I believe it!!

Nothing Confirmed, But Hopeful...

2010-08-17T20:56:00.001-04:00

I can't thank you all enough for all the prayes and words of encouragement this past week. I honestly do not think I could have made it without them...I KNOW I couldn't have made it without them.

This surgery was so TOUGH on me physically and emotionally...more so than I ever imagined. Although my surgery was on Tuesday, I didn't feel back to normal until Monday...almost a week later. My abdomen was sore, I didn't have an appetite because of the nausea, and I just couldn't do ANYTHING!! I'm not sure which one of those three were worse. But having a combination of all three nearly did me in!!

I had my wound check appointment this morning and I think it went well. The reason I wrote think is because I still haven't talked or met with my doctor since my surgery. Because my husband was confused about the explanation the doctor gave him after my surgery about my fallopian tubes, I decided to call myself to get the feedback/results. A nurse called me back the following day and told me that she didn't see any problems in the notes that our doctor wrote after my surgery. I was elated!! Today, because it was only a wound check and because our doctor was in surgery, I met with a nurse. I asked her if she could look through my chart and let me know what the doctor did to my fallopian tubes and if she could explain what happened during my surgery. She explained to me that it looked as if I had two cysts on the OUTSIDE of my fallopians...one on each side. The doctor removed him and he did NOT note that this should be a concern. She also told me that the fibrial, the fringelike part at the opening of the fallopian tubes, was repaired. I did some more research when I got home and discovered that the fibrials are what help to push the eggs along on their journey to the uterus. The more I read the more I was convinced that this problem has had nothing to do with our inablity to get pregnant yet. My menstrual cycle is on the TIGHTEST schedule...I know exactly what day I ovulate and I know the exact date for my period...to be honest, I am SO consistent that it's almost scary sometimes!! If my fibrials were causing the infertility problems, I don't think I would be ovulating, much less be on a regular monthly cycle.

BUT...like I said before, I still haven't spoken with the doctor yet.

I have a follow-up appointment scheduled for August 30 and during this appointment the doctor will talk to me, in depth, about how my surgery went, what the pathology results are of my endometriosis, and what he recommends our next step should be.

Although none of these diagnoses have been confirmed by my doctor, I felt GREAT about my appointment today. I just have a peace about the surgery, confidence in our new doctor, and truly believe that our journey to becoming parents will finally become a reality.

So in a nutshell, nothing has been confirmed, but I am hopeful that soon, VERY soon, we will be parents.

It's Been One of Those Days...

2010-08-14T17:48:00.000-04:00

Today was just one of those days. Let me explain...

The hubby left at around 8:00 a.m. to play golf with some friends. I promptly get up, take a shower, straighten the house, and make a list of errands to run. My errands consist of : Michael's, Home Depot, school, Mary Kay delivery, and school clothes shopping.

I am responsible for the kick-off presentation to our teachers for Preplanning and wanted to make sure our meeting room looked nice for the teachers' first day back to school. We have a red theme this year and I decided to stop by Michael's and get a variety of red themed scrapbooking paper to use for centerpieces. I also picked up red and white chinese take-out containers to use as holders for little plants on each table.

I was probably in Michael's all of 15 minutes when I realized there had been a downpour while I was shopping...which, in Florida, that means the temperature just shot up another 10 degrees and the humidity was unbearable!

I then head to Home Depot to pick up some $.99 plants to finish off my centerpieces. As I am walking in the parking lot, I slip on the wet pavement, and almost fell to the ground. Luckily, I didn't fall, but what I did do, was use my stomach muscles to catch myself...NOT good. On top of that, I stubbed my toe and broke my toenail. I feel the tears start to well-up, but I pull myself together, get the plants and start driving to my school.

I get to my school and made three trips from the car to the media center to unload all my supplies. By this time, I'm soaking wet with sweat and started to ask myself..."Self, why did you even bother taking a shower today?" Once inside, I realize the AC is NOT on at all!! Of course the AC is not on, the school district is trying to save every single penny it can, so they turn off the AC over the weekends.

So I proceed to set up my decorations...mind you, as FAST as I can so I can get back into my car WITH AC. After setting up about 12 tables, I realize that I don't have enough materials for all 17 tables!! Frustration is REALLY setting in at this point. I make do with what I have, pack up my things, and get back in my COOL car.

I poceed with my next errand, which is to stop by my church to drop off some Mary Kay that a friend purchased. Our church is located down a LONG road...a little bit out of the way. I pull my car up in the circle drive, walk up to the front door, and realize the doors are locked. Locked? Since when are our church doors locked??? I decided I'll just deliver the Mary Kay tomorrow, at church, instead.

I get back in the car and plan to get a few outfits for the new school year. I take one look in the mirror and literally LAUGH out loud at the site I see. My hair is dripping wet with sweat...so bad so, that I have little ringlets of hair dangling all around my face, pulled taut with a bead of sweat on the verge of dropping. Shopping??? NOT!!!

I turn my car around and head back home!

I stop and get the mail on my way in the house...I grumble at the realization that the hubby hasn't gotten the mail ALL week, by the looks of how full our mailbox was. I walk into the house and start thumbing through the mail. We have two large envelopes with The Knights written across the front so, of course, I open those first.

TWO birth announcements.

I hit rock bottom.

The hubby called me just at that moment to let me know that he and his friends were rained out at golf today and were headed to our house to go for a swim. I lost it even MORE...if that's possible.

The tears were falling, the head was pounding, and all I could think about was getting BACK in bed for the rest of the day.

Of course, right after I ate an ENTIRE Hershey's bar!

Shopping AND a pedicure are on my list of errands for tomorrow.

It's been one of those days :(

Checking In...

2010-08-13T10:42:00.000-04:00

Today is day four of my recovery and I'm hanging in there. My days consist of:

1. Irregular sleeping patterns...the pain meds have me off schedule. I wake up at 2:00 a.m. in pain, take some medication, and then can't go back to sleep until 5:00 a.m. NOT GOOD :( Especially since school starts in three days!!

2. Nausea...I haven't really felt like eating much because I am so nauseous. I have eaten yogurt in the morning, cheese and crackers for lunch, and soup for dinner. I'm so ready for my appetite to pick back up.

3. BOREDOM...I have played every game known to man on my computer these past four days. My farm on Farmville is exploding with all kinds of crops and farm animals...I can't believe I just admitted to that!!!

4. My DVR...when I'm not sleeping or playing games on the computer, I'm trying to catch up on all my DVRed shows.

Just checking in, although it's pretty uneventful, huh???

Where Two or Three are Gathered...

2010-08-11T03:40:00.003-04:00

Although my surgery was scheduled for 11:00 a.m. yesterday, it ended up not beginning until 11:30 a.m. With the bowel prep I had the previous day (which means a liquid diet and NO food or water after midnight), it was a LONG waiting period for me.

I have to admit though that it wasn't that bad, especially when you have an ADD, impatient, and rather funny husband. David kept me entertained in the waiting room by taking blackmail pictures of me in my shower cap, reading my chart and pretending like he knew what it all meant, and CONSTANTLY peeking through the privacy curtain every time he heard our doctor's voice :) Although my hubby can be a handful sometimes, I appreciate his sense of humor and ability to always make me laugh!

All in all, the surgery took approximately 2 hours. A little longer than we expected. The doctor DID find a little bit of endometriosis and luckily was able to remove it ALL...thank the LORD! But while inside he discovered a few other things as well.

I was diagnosed by our FIRST doctor in 2006 as having a septate uterus...it's where your uterus is shaped like a heart, which can possibly result in a miscarriage when we do get pregnant. Unfortunately, our SECOND doctor conducted a water test on me and said that I DIDN'T have it. So we never did anything about it. When Dr. Fox, our current doctor, went in yesterday, he confirmed that I DID in fact have a septate uterus, so he corrected that while he was inside. He also discovered a malfunction with my fallopian tubes. Unfortunately, David didn't quite understand what Dr. Fox explained to him about my fallopian tubes (and I was still heavily medicated when he came in to explain the results) so I have already put in a call to his office for him to call me today and give me the specifics.

The bottom line is that because of my age and this problem with the tubes, Dr. Fox thinks we still need IVF if we plan to ever get pregnant on our own. Although I am a little disappointed by this diagnosis, I am confident that this surgery was the right move for us and believe that God can do the IMPOSSIBLE. Regardless, we WILL be parents one day...whether we are blessed with a biological baby or adopt a baby, we WILL experience the joys of parenthood.

I was extremely sick after the surgery and experienced the WORST nausea EVER. I got sick a few times at the hospital and even after getting home and sleeping a little of the anesthesia off, I still couldn't get up and walk around without feeling sick. I took some medication for the nausea and felt better around 9:30 p.m. and FINALLY had a bowl of soup and crackers...chicken noodle NEVER tasted so good :)

I have four tiny incisions on my belly...two on my left side, one on the right, and one on my bellybutton. The doctors used glue instead of stitches and I am expected to heal without any major scarring. I am EXTREMELY sore and am having a hard time rolling out of the bed to get up. The doctor gave me some pain medication and I am SO thankful for that!

As you can see I am writing this post at a VERY early hour...mainly because I woke up with pain at 2:30 this morning :(

I plan to do a lot of resting and let my hubby and my mother-in-love take care of me. I am so thankful that Dr. Fox was able to do this surgery before our teachers come back on Monday for preplanning. Although I have a TON of work to do to prepare for Monday, there isn't much I can't do from my laptop in my bed :)

Unfortunately, my hubby has to work today, so I asked my mother-in-love to come over and stay with me. She already made me promise her that if I wake up early today I wouldn't go out in the yard and start pulling weeds...HA! I do love gardening :) But, believe me, the pain is so severe, that this girl is not moving an INCH today!!!

Thank you so much for ALL the prayers and encouragement. I truly believe that "if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in Heaven, for where two or three come together in My name, there am I with them."~Matthew 18:19-20

Please continue to lift David and I up with prayers. We are blessed to have SO many caring family and friends and could never go through this experience without being showered with all the love.

I will post again soon after I talk to the doctor today and get more details on my fallopian tubes.

Have a blessed day...I am already feeling blessed BEYOND measure!!!!

Due Season...

2010-08-10T05:00:00.002-04:00

I am having my laproscopy surgery today and couldn't be happier!!

We've been through so many seasons in this journey to grow our own garden....we've had plowing seasons, planting seasons, and watering seasons. Although it's been a long, hard path, without all the seasons, we wouldn't be prepared. I understand now that He was preparing us for the beatiful garden that He has in store for our future.

God promises that our due season of harvest is coming and we are looking forward to seeing every dream and every desire fulfilled.

"I will give you rain in due season, and the land shall yield her increase and the trees of the field yield their fruit."~Leviticus 26:4

Please keep us in your prayers, as well as the doctors that will be performing my surgery.

I'll update my blog after my surgery this week :)

Answers...

2010-08-04T19:33:00.000-04:00

I had my pre-op appointment today which basically means that I did a lot of signing papers. I did have the opportunity to sit down with my doctor and ask a few questions about the surgery. To be honest, I didn't really have any questions. I told him that AFTER the surgery I would have a TON of questions.

My doctor asked why I didn't have anything to ask now. I shared with him that I still wasn't convinced that I had Endometreosis. And to my surprise, he said that he was 99.9% positive he would find Endometreosis when he performed the surgery.

I just sat there in amazement! This was the FIRST time in our journey to have a baby that someone told me they were sure this was the answer. Don't get me wrong, he didn't assure me that we would get pregnant after the surgery. But he did tell me that our first step to having a baby is to remove as much of the Endometreosis as possible.

I like the sound of this...ANSWERS!

Come on August 10....I'm ready!

Let it Be...

2010-07-29T19:41:00.000-04:00

I have NEVER wanted to have a disease.

Who would???

But the closer and closer I get to my upcoming surgery, the more I hope that I actually DO have endometreosis. It's hard to believe that after 4 long years a doctor has finally discovered the reason for our infertility. How did all of our other doctors miss something so important?

Of course we will not know if I have endometreosis until the doctor actually goes inside for the laproscopy, but I must admit that I'm praying to the Lord to let it be...let this be the start of David and I beginning our family.

A Plug...

2010-07-29T06:52:00.000-04:00

I am sure most of you have seen CSN Stores plastered all over the blogging community lately. Well, they are a great company that has more than 200 stores to shop from. They also offer great opportunities for giveaways and reviews!!

I have had the privilege of doing TWO giveaways with CSN stores and they have been fabulous to work with. If you haven't checked out their site, it's a MUST!!

They offer a wide range of products from coffee makers to hand bags or from dining room furniture to outdoor lanterns!!!

So get on the bandwagon and check out CSN Stores :)

A Lifetime of Blessings...

2010-07-22T05:45:00.000-04:00

Each morning I do my best to post a verse on my Twitter account and use that verse as something to reflect on that day. This morning, this is the verse I chose:

"Don't be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant."~Galatians 6:7 NLT

I really started to reflect this morning on the seeds that I am sowing. Do I pray enough? Do I encourage enough? Do I have hope? Do I love enough? Because these are the things that I will reap in the future.

Or am I sowing seeds of judgment, anger, bitterness? If so, I will reap a bad harvest.

It is so easy to have those negative feelings when I feel as if EVERYTHING is going against me...my job, our journey to become parents, our finances, etc. So I'm committing myself today to plant seeds of happiness, thoughtfulness, and love because I intend to harvest a lifetime of blessings.

Money DOES Grow on Trees...

2010-07-18T12:23:00.001-04:00

I can't honestly say I really believe money grows on trees...but I do believe God answers prayers. I wrote in my last post that my Endometreosis surgery was going to cost $1350 AFTER my insurance coverage. Hearing that news, just really put me in a place of frustration...I kept thinking, why can SO many women get pregnant so easily (and on accident) and I have to pay a fortune just to try and get pregnant?!?!

Well, the Lord heard our prayers and answered them in ABUNDANCE. Not only do we have the money to pay for our surgery, but if the hubby's business continues to prosper as much as it has this past week, we'll be able to put some money into savings for future procedures or for an adoption.

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement this past week...He does answer prayers.

Money Tree...

2010-07-11T23:02:00.003-04:00

The hubby and I are packing tonight and getting ready to leave for Destin tomorrow. I have been looking forward to this trip for months now and I can't believe it's finally here!!!

Every time we have something positive to look forward to though, it seems as if the devil tries to steal our joy.

Every Single Time!!!

I received an estimate for my upcoming surgery in the mail yesterday and just remembered that I hadn't opened it. Well, when I finally opened it tonight, I nearly hit the floor...

It's going to cost $1350.00 for the surgery to remove my endometreosis!!!

My parents always told me "money doesn't grow on trees" but I'm praying God plants a money tree in our backyard while we are on vacation and that it's in full bloom by the time we get home.

I know He can move mountains, so please pray that He helps us move this one.

Great Motivation...

2010-07-09T10:48:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, a co-worker shared with me a FABULOUS story about a women who had endometriosis.

My co-worker is pregnant (and due any day now) and her OB, the wife of my RE, walked into her appointment with the biggest smile. My co-worker asked her why she was so happy and she told her that she had just heard some great news about one of her patients. The OB said she had a patient that came to her for a second opinion. The patient was 40 years old, had experienced infertility for years, and because of her painful menstrual cycles, her doctor was recommending she get a hysterectomy. The OB recommended she see her husband, my RE, for her second opinion. My RE diagnosed her with endometriosis and conducted the surgery to remove it.

ONE MONTH LATER...the woman is pregnant!!! She got pregnant on her OWN, without any fertility treatments.

PRAISE the LORD!!!

This is GREAT motivation for me...Now I'm counting down the days until my surgery!!!

It's a Date...

2010-07-02T05:00:00.000-04:00

If you read my last post HERE, you know that I was diagnosed with endometreosis at the beginning of the week. I am ready to have the surgery NOW and was disappointed to find out that our doctor is 3-4 weeks behind. I called on Tuesday to schedule my appointment and got even more frustrated when I found out the first available appointment was the FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL!!! Because I am an assistant principal, this was NOT going to work. The next availability was the second week of school. Although this is NOT the ideal situation, I went ahead and scheduled the appointment.

To my surprise, I got a call from the doctor's office on Wednesday letting me know that they have an opening for August 10th...the week BEFORE teachers come back to school. I was so thrilled!!!!

I am SO ready to have this procedure because it takes me one more step closer to having our family.

IT'S A DATE!!!!

The Valley...

2010-06-29T05:45:00.000-04:00

I had my follow up doctor's appointment yesterday for our Clomid Challenge and walked away feeling like I've hit rock bottom.

My doctor has discovered that I have endometreosis and wants me to have surgery before trying IVF again.

We aren't sure how severe the endometreosis is at this time, but will know more once he is able to go inside for the surgery. He does want to be aggressive and do his best at getting it ALL out, which I think is a good idea. The surgery will be scheduled in about 3-4 weeks.

After the crazy week I've had...with one let-down after another, I'm literally SHOCKED that I'm still standing and able to even type this post.

I thought I had been in some pretty low places, but this valley I've found myself in has caused me to dig my heels in and finally start my journey to the TOP!

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."~ Romans 8:26

Getting Over the Hump...

2010-06-28T06:04:00.001-04:00

I had one of the worst days in a long time this past week. I literally got in my car on Thursday and cried all the way home.

I felt so defeated, worn out, and literally hit rock bottom.

I shared my feelings with several family and friends and just as I expected, they lifted me up, prayed for me, and sent me advice and verses to encourage me.

This morning is the start of a new week, so I thought I would kick start it with this verse I read on Kelly's blog this today...

"Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer."~ Psalm 4:1

He WILL help me get through this time and He WILL take me to greater places!!

Abraham and Sarah...

2010-06-23T06:26:00.001-04:00

As we begin our two week wait this cycle, I am reminded of Abraham and Sarah. For that matter, my hubby and I are FEELING like Abraham and Sarah as each year passes by. Here is their story...

In Genesis, God promised Abraham and Sarah that they would give birth to a son and that all the generations of the earth would be blessed through him. In the natural, this looked impossible because Sarah was ninety and Abraham was older than that! But they began to meditate on God and consider what He could do beyond the limits of the possible. Their faith opened the door for God to bring to pass what He had promised in their lives. When they considered God, He strengthened their mortal bodies so that they could conceive a child way beyond child-bearing years.

I've come to the realization that this is out of our hands. Our situation looks impossible, but I know that He can take impossibility and turn it into possibility. I've witnessed so many friends and family members receive gifts of impossibility with faith and confidence in the All powerful.

I am believing that our faithfulness and prayers will be rewarded, just like Abraham and Sarah.

6/19/10...

2010-06-19T05:00:00.008-04:00

Today is THAT day.

The day that I posted this sticky note in my medicine cabinet TWO years ago.

I made a post about it last year, 6/19/09, HERE.

Although it has been another year of heartaches, disappointments, and waiting...This year, I am continuing to pray that the Lord reveals the greatest of ALL plans to make me a mother.

My Guardian Angel Mother...

2010-06-15T05:00:00.004-04:00

God puts people in our path for a reason...sometimes for empathy, sometimes for hope, sometimes for love, and sometimes to remind us to be grateful.

I have had the privilege of meeting someone that I truly believe is my Guardian Angel Mother (like my mom calls her) .

My secretary, Mrs. Edwards, is a special lady and I honestly do not know how I would deal with my job, our journey to become parents, or my life, without her guidance, love, and advice.

I recently received this email that another teacher in our district wrote about my secretary and thought it was a great example of how special Mrs. Edwards truly is...

I wanted to write you a note about one of your employees, Judy Edwards. I had the opportunity to meet Mrs. Edwards Tuesday afternoon. I was parked across from her home, and some students were unloading some items from my car into a home across from hers and they broke a glass that fell from my car. She immediately came over and offered me a trash bag to store the broken glass in.

As I went back over to thank her and introduced myself, I explained my purpose for being in her neighborhood. One of our graduating seniors, Jeffrey Williams, lost his mother suddenly a week ago Saturday. I explained the situation to Mrs. Edwards, and she expressed immediate concern for Jeffrey, whom she met before, but the families were not close. This is not a situation where neighbors exchange recipes, as Jeffrey's mom was standoffish and frequently gone.

At any rate, we exchanged information, phone numbers and email, and I asked her to keep an eye out for Jeffrey until after graduation when further future arrangements could be sorted out.

Her first concern, once she was satisfied about his well-being, was about his graduation. I explained that my principal had immediately taken care of the details on our end, providing a cap and gown and other essentials. Mrs. Edwards asked if anyone was doing anything else for him. As our school is a tight-knit school, he has some friends and teachers looking out for him during this difficult time, but his extended biological family is not organizing a graduation celebration, and it is unknown if they will even attend.

Mrs. Edwards went into her kitchen and retrieved a graduation card she had set aside, hoping to use it for the right individual. She put cash in it, and walked with me back across the street to personally deliver her condolences and her gift.

It is the only graduation gift of a formal nature this young man received. It was thoughtful, genuine, and she was warm beyond measure, explaining to Jeffrey not to hesitate to call on her at any hour. His warm hug in surprise and thankfulness was touching and a real moment of human connectivity.

We expect teachers and staff at our own home schools to look out for our kids, and we do a great job of it. But for a woman who was virtually a stranger to Jeffrey to step up, and go above and beyond in his moment of need, and deliver that gesture with extraordinary kindness and sincerity, was worth writing you about.

This letter just confirmed what I already knew...Mrs. Edwards is such a wonderful person and friend.

We were together this weekend for a surprise party for one of our co-workers and in conversation she mentioned to me that she had picked up dinner for family and realized that she had a lot left over. Without hesitation, she picked up the phone and called Jeffery to see if he would like dinner and brought it over to him.

I am so blessed and thankful that God placed this special woman in my life. Although I am MILES away from my own mom, Mrs. Edwards is definitely my Guardian Angel Mother...and I don't mind sharing her with Jeffery too.

The Fertility 15...

2010-06-13T07:47:00.000-04:00

I have always been petite.

I remember that my exact weight when I graduated was 110 pounds. That number was etched into memory because I auditioned for the dance team in junior college and we had a strict weight limit. Our dance director measured our weight, height, and body fat and gave us a specific weight-range that we needed to be to perform. I had heard of the dreaded Freshman 15 but thought it would NEVER happen to me. Well, believe it or not, I did gain several pounds after graduating high school and recall having to lose those pounds before our dance team's first performance and it was TOUGH! But I did lose that Freshman 15 and was able to perform at all the games during college.

It has been almost 20 years since I graduated high school (which is very scary) and I do NOT weigh 110 pounds. I would say that I am a pretty healthy person...I am active, not as much as I'd like to be...and we eat pretty healthy, again, not as much as I'd like to. But the main cause of my weight fluctuation is the Fertility 15. The weight gain that accompanies fertility medications is seriously unbelievable. Especially for someone that is already petite...there is NO way of hiding these extra pounds.

I will be so glad when all the medications and procedures are over so I can work on getting rid of the Fertility 15 and get my body back!!!

Dear Clomid...

2010-06-08T18:11:00.000-04:00

Dear Clomid,

How I dislike you. Let me count the ways...

1. You cause me to have hot flashes.
2. You make me feel bloated.
3. You cause my mood to swing back and forth and back and forth. My poor husband :(
4. You cause me to have headaches each afternoon.

I dislike all your side effects, but I'm praying you bring me a miracle!

Sincerely,
Lianna